tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-42889645959949837842011-11-12T09:53:51.329-06:00A place to <i>authentically</i> process my walk from same-sex attraction to sexual wholeness.TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.comBlogger1091100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-80483576990841734902009-12-20T20:04:00.005-06:002010-10-06T13:24:16.492-05:00

This blog is finished. I have made a decision not to update it anymore. End of the year, end of the blog.Here is the description that I used for this blog. If you're here for the first time, you can use it to guide you in your reading of my blog.May God bless you in your journey.---In March 2009, I experienced a major transformation in my same-sex sexual desires. This blog chronicles my

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-80971859528281584802009-12-18T05:03:00.004-06:002009-12-18T05:06:46.630-06:00

I haven't blogged here in a loooong time. And this is not a real blog entry either. It's just to let you know that Lonnie wanted to post something I wrote entitled That "I'm afraid..." feeling. Feel free to visit his page.

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-51776480332012767212009-10-12T09:53:00.002-05:002009-10-12T09:59:32.684-05:00

... the friends that I have made from this blog.I don't know what else to say.Trying my best to keep in touch with a few that I have already "met" in person or online. But even that has been near impossible.I wish I could gather all of us together, and we could hug, talk, pray, and affirm one another.It's a wish. A distant one.In the meantime, I'm just head-over-heels busy. In a good kind of

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-62354182744072936572009-09-05T10:31:00.004-05:002009-09-05T11:26:07.527-05:00

I have come to know a few people since I opened up this blog--especially during my "raw/authentic" writing period. They have either been introduced to me by others, or found me themselves and left a comment. As we have interacted openly and honestly, we have also become good friends. One such example is Rob, who started to do video-logs not very long after we made contact through my blog. (I

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-34035211667303479432009-09-03T00:42:00.007-05:002010-10-06T13:22:30.530-05:00

Somebody emailed me today saying that they ("they" is my gender-neutral pronoun, by the way) read my entire blog in one night.Hello!Please don't do that. It can't possibly be good for anyone's health to read my blog, my entire blog, in one night. ;-)

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-86049432972187812882009-08-28T16:07:00.002-05:002009-08-28T16:09:13.439-05:00

Glad to have made yet another new friend from my blog. (You know who you are, we just chatted over the phone this afternoon.)What is blessing this blog is turning out to be even though I hardly blog in it anymore.Busy... busy... busy...Still busy.

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-51589794332408717302009-08-08T19:53:00.004-05:002009-08-08T20:03:25.663-05:00

Rich Wyler has posted his take on the APA Report on the People Can Change blog. I especially like the points he makes under "What the APA Report Doesn't Say." (link)- - -Other matters. Have a tight deadline coming up. Will not be posting or responding to comments for at least two weeks.

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-64592358383982029502009-08-07T23:34:00.009-05:002009-08-07T23:56:04.431-05:00

Boy, is this blog starting to change or what?First, I get all serious. Now, I'm advertising for businesses. o.OA staff member from Newsy.com contacted me and told me about their news coverage on the APA's declaration of reparative therapy (which I blogged about here). Their coverage compares five--yes, FIVE--contrasting news sources . She asked me to consider embedding the video.Well, I

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-34965383896147005662009-08-06T10:04:00.016-05:002009-08-06T22:10:31.320-05:00

I wanted to share my reply to Carleton1958's recent blog post entitled: My faith vs. the APA's declaration on reparative therapyHere is the article from the Associated Press: Psychologists repudiate gay-to-straight therapy.And my response to Carleton1958 (in quotes):"Like you, I too exist, and I can say that my same-sex sexual attractions have diminished so significantly and my opposite-sex

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-80318402181056275842009-07-25T00:17:00.032-05:002009-08-06T11:02:43.240-05:00

[Exodus Reflections I: link]Three things happened to me at the conference. One, I received new and helpful information on SSA. Two, I had some significant interactions with people and with God that helped me better understand where I am in my journey. Three, I left with a solidifying sense of purpose and calling going into the future.1. New and Helpful Information(a) Is Exodus Interested in

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-81372301153022945692009-07-24T10:59:00.015-05:002009-07-25T13:05:25.953-05:00

On the way to the conference, I picked up Brother Luke. I had known him for only a short time through the internet. A friend had told him about this blog, and we got connected after he read several of my posts.He seemed much softer in person. The sharp and caustic wit that came through our text chats somehow disappeared. We had developed a friendship based on our repartee, and I had grown fond of

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-42599973341431469272009-07-23T23:00:00.000-05:002009-07-24T10:58:47.533-05:00

Conversation from the recent pastWife, awaken in bed: What are you doing up so late?Me, sighing: I was looking at porn...Wife: What?Me: Yeah. I was looking at porn, but nothing. Gay, straight, male, female... nothing. It did nothing for me. (more sighing)Wife, reaching out to hold my hand: You know, honey, you're desperately looking for something to fill you. Only one thing can do that: God.Me: .

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-62416314355156787682009-07-19T23:58:00.001-05:002009-07-20T00:50:13.972-05:00

My profile description (see right bar) has been changed and updated to reflect where I am now, and how I will be blogging into the future.The style of my blog will be less and less "raw, authentic processing" and more and more nuanced reflections.Next posts: reflections from Exodus 2009.

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-27447248809792988962009-07-18T23:59:00.002-05:002009-07-20T13:00:20.128-05:00

It came.It went.I have changed.And I'll never be the same again.All the experiences I've had over the past four months have come together through this week of interacting, listening, engaging, and processing. My heart and mind are filled to the brim and overflowing, unable to contain everything that the Lord has taught me. I have been blown into little pieces and then re-consolidated into a new

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-71646955712382017122009-07-12T01:55:00.012-05:002009-07-19T17:06:56.834-05:00

In response to Summary Reflections #3, a brother emailed me and asked: "But---could you clarify what you mean by "connecting" with other men with SSA? And... does that include me?"Below is my response to him.---Until a couple of weeks ago, I spent a good amount of time relating to men with SSA online. These are men such as yourself: Christian and wanting to change. I received something from these

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-18662848094937864162009-07-11T20:15:00.003-05:002009-07-11T20:19:09.053-05:00

I don't know how much of it is because I am busy, but I just don't have very much to say anymore.My "struggle" is more and more a thing of the past.How long has it been now?About 4 months.But it feels longer. I hardly remember what it is like to masturbate to a fantasy of having sex with a man.Ugh. Gross just to even mention the idea. (No offense to non-straight folks, it's just how I feel.)Even

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-88844714548917881262009-07-08T01:26:00.005-05:002009-07-08T01:33:33.998-05:00

Watch these clips of brother Rob and his wife Angie talking about their marital relationship in light of Rob's feelings of same-sex attraction (link).Rob and Angie's story reflects mine with my wife. I may have SSA issues, my wife has her own set of issues too. I was always open with my wife, and told her of my struggles before we got married, and I continue to be real and authentic with her (

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-73730471161360050842009-07-01T17:10:00.013-05:002009-07-01T22:05:17.154-05:00

Here's one of my online brothers: Brother Rob (he's open with his name).He found me online through my blog a while ago, and we've been in communication since.This man has got guts. Glory to Jesus!Go take a look at Rob's welcome video at The Architect's Garage.---And to all you Canadians, HAPPY CANADA DAY!

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-48706682787821519392009-06-26T17:56:00.002-05:002009-06-26T17:58:23.500-05:00

After many years of feeling pressured by the wife to be spiritual around her, I finally gave in.There is only one person in this world with whom I am as vulnerable as I am when I am with God: Brother A. He gets to see boy-soul fully. He's been the only person with whom boy-soul has felt safe enough to emerge.When I am with God, I am totally open. I hide nothing from Him. I am completely naked. He

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-50577365903126435192009-06-25T16:56:00.007-05:002009-06-25T17:23:07.959-05:00

It was your hands that reached acrossEnveloping my faceCatching my tearsIt was your arms that came aroundEmbracing me wholeAbsorbing my fearsIt was your lips that did not hesitateTo kiss meAs a father kisses his sonIt was your love that came through a manThat I may know your loveIn the realYou're all that my hungering spirit needsI’d rather have youAnd let you lead©Thirdcultureman

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-87733889231297388612009-06-24T01:58:00.015-05:002009-06-24T14:19:30.525-05:00

Neighbor had a bunch of DVDs to lend. Flipping through the selection, "Mamma Mia!" suddenly jumped out at me.When I saw the preview to this movie last year, I almost died. (1) I grew up with Abba and I know every melody by heart. (2) Meryl Streep is my favorite actress. (3) Pierce Brosnan is so good looking. I thought the movie would affect me too much, so I decided not to watch it. But that was

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-19150274324965616792009-06-19T22:19:00.043-05:002009-06-22T19:49:41.452-05:00

Two months have passed since I wrote my first summary reflections (part 1, part 2). What has transpired since?Same-Sex AttractionMy SS(sexual)A has pretty much left and stayed gone. The SS(emotional)A is there, but I welcome it. I find that when I do not *feed* my SSeA, SSsA can creep in. And so I have spent a great deal of time cultivating quality relationships with Christian brothers who have

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-5682902548247511862009-06-01T11:33:00.013-05:002009-06-01T12:00:56.324-05:00

I will not to blog again until the earliest, Friday, if not later. Next blog: Summary Reflections #2.In the meantime, Do Not Be Afraid...Do not be afraid to ask for what you need.Do not be afraid to fall apart and free.You just might get what you asked forand you may find out who you are.Jesus you are God.You can do what you wantand you died for all of us.I think it's crazy, but I'm starting to

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-91296462063645123272009-05-31T01:05:00.015-05:002009-06-01T01:33:45.482-05:00

People tell me that I'm really strong. I am. And I am not.Emotionally, I've survived through all kinds of hell. But physically, I'm a wimp. Break my heart and I'll compose a most brilliant piece of work. Stub my toe and I become a pathetic baby.Or stub my thumb... my right thumb, to be precise.I'm going out to play a game of real basketball with real players.:manly woo hoo:I discovered two things

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-37080150934949022452009-05-29T15:53:00.009-05:002009-05-29T23:24:11.401-05:00

Saw a very good looking guy last night who eyed-me out from head to shoe. There was an attraction there for me (emotional, and bordering on sexual). I stayed with it. Looked back at him. Undressed him with my mind [ref]. Saw his face when he took off his hat--he looked tired. He became all of a sudden, just another guy. The aura of the mysterious masculine left him, and my attraction for him,

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-25467838692422462972009-05-28T00:43:00.006-05:002009-05-28T10:34:15.997-05:00

I had never anticipated that it would come so quickly.I had thought six months? A year?Certainly not now. Not after having fallen head-over-heels in love with him only three months ago.But it is here: I don't need him anymore.The last 7 days of grieving did something tremendous within me. Like a raging fever, the grieving burned away all the relational-sick of my past. Someone reached into my

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-27891251037484426242009-05-27T15:27:00.006-05:002009-05-27T15:34:40.954-05:00

I was supposed to write my second summary reflections. But each time I try, I end up spending time replying to emails or Facebook messages instead. It's good that I am finally getting to know more people in the world of SSA strugglers. On the other hand, my work has been taking a back seat, and that's starting to leave me a little edgy.I've been grieving for over a week now. I'm happy to say that

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-55689843585259275672009-05-23T14:47:00.016-05:002009-05-23T15:27:47.179-05:00

That same grief is still here. And it hasn't lessened.Sometimes, it looks up to God; sometimes it longs for a long hug from safe, loving brothers.It aches the death of something within. Like facing an old, old wound. Rotting flesh, long forgotten.But I can't turn around or walk away. The truth stares at me with open eyes, sad and compassionate. And I have to stay here, looking right back at it,

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-22016320116901979712009-05-22T13:30:00.010-05:002009-05-29T23:35:54.744-05:00

I did not expect this change to happen.I did not expect the emergence of anger to come about.And I never expected this grief to hit me, so hard.Yesterday, Brother A asked me to pray. I could not utter the words. Before long, I was a blabbering, sobbing mess. Deep pain.Today, Bill Bright, founder of Campus Crusade for Christ, prayed a prayer on the radio for his staff members during his final

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-9673846160738615562009-05-22T01:10:00.010-05:002009-05-22T10:44:48.723-05:00

A deep, deep grief has hit me.As I nuzzle more securely into Brother A's love for me, an old, lost pain is finally emerging. I don't even have a specific memory associated with the pain. It is just an old, old pain from deep within.And so I cry sobs of anguish. My heart wrenching with each gasp. No words. No memories. Just deep pain and sadness.I don't deserve such love.

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-66780231046702745462009-05-20T23:30:00.005-05:002009-05-20T23:52:32.925-05:00

Why this video moved me so much: A short testimony.I started having same-sex sexual thoughts since I was 7 years old. It was a constant struggle into my teen years because the feelings were so strong, and yet I loved God so much. By age 19, I couldn't take it anymore. If I couldn't stop my homosexual thoughts, then I might as well die. I got severely depressed and I wanted to crawl into a small,

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-49793534185441177882009-05-20T17:53:00.011-05:002009-05-20T20:57:42.270-05:00

In the past, this "feeling-down" feeling that I am feeling now would have led to homosexual thinking or activity of some kind. (I know I used the word "feeling" three times in a row. I'm feeling down, okay? Cut me some slack.)In the midst of my downness, that wanting-to-sexualize-men feeling came pretty strongly.But I didn't.I don't want to go back to that vomit.This pang of pain in my chest is a

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-85316138831826403232009-05-19T00:43:00.011-05:002009-05-19T01:18:36.801-05:00

The following is a pretty graphic post. If you get easily offended, stop now and don't read any further.- - - I did it.I went online and looked at images of nude men.This change I've been talking about? It's real. I've given it yet another test, and...IT'S REAL!!!The most incredible looking guys still look good. But they don't have anything to offer me.Their bodies remind of me Brother A's body.

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-76325213281659186692009-05-18T19:29:00.017-05:002009-05-18T23:09:37.100-05:00

Christian authors writing on sexuality talk about sex as more than genital sex (i.e. erotic sexual behaviors) but also gender. There is something "sexual" about just being male. It is in this context that I used the term "sexual" in "unbridled adolescent male sexual energy."Anyhoot...Over the last week, I have woken up with an erection four times. Along with that is the desire to masturbate and

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-45129332396278940862009-05-17T15:32:00.014-05:002009-06-19T23:13:07.454-05:00

The previous post here.My apologies for swearing. I know it hurts some of your sensitive eyes to read ef-words and aitch-words. But I wanted to get my point across. I was feeling anger, and I wanted to write authentically out of that place.But after some reading, I am starting to think that what I am feeling is not so much anger but... another natural element of my emerging manhood, which I

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-20526394739065500972009-05-17T11:35:00.009-05:002009-05-17T12:08:06.573-05:00

There is an anger brewing deep within me.I don't really understand what it is yet.Something to do with this change I have been experience. Something to do with anger at homosexuality and gay-advocates. And also anger at all of my years of loss.I am starting to get sick and tired of people questioning my change experience.If you don't believe that my experience and what I write is authentic, then

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-28941056148059775892009-05-16T08:38:00.012-05:002009-05-16T09:07:18.186-05:00

I feel alone. This change is so unique, I don't really have anyone to talk to, to fellowship with, to exchange notes with.I want men. Ex-gay men who no longer have homosexual feelings, but now have only heterosexual feelings. Men who can mentor me through this transition as I mutate from Same-Sex sexual Attraction to Other-Sex sexual Attraction.Mutate. That's exactly what this change feels like.

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-49011560109112325612009-05-14T23:37:00.006-05:002009-05-14T23:48:18.453-05:00

All of this change would not be possible without Brother A's deep, deep love for me.Brother A, I love you so much I could literally burst!:-D

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-45999061672273926562009-05-14T13:57:00.026-05:002009-05-14T23:36:33.280-05:00

It's commonly said that if a person felt nervous when doing public speaking, he could try to imagine his audience naked.I never understood that advice. I had always felt that to imagine a bunch of people naked would be more of a turn-on than an anxiety-reliever. Especially if there were good-looking men in the audience.But I experienced something new today.Today I undressed three different guys

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-84466397411356174432009-05-13T14:23:00.003-05:002009-05-13T14:47:27.455-05:00

Tossing and turning in bed. Trouble sleeping.In the past, I would have fantasized about being sexual with men, leading to masturbation in bed. I'd even hold on to a pillow closely to my chest, pretending it was a warm male body.I did the same last night--held to a pillow to my chest, that is. But there was an invisible fence.It was okay to hold on to the pillow, feel the comfort, imagine holding

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-79463638540102664072009-05-12T00:26:00.001-05:002009-05-12T00:26:39.792-05:00

More and more, I am hearing from other guys coming out of SSsA that they want to relate with men intimately but not sexually.I feel the same way.When I meet men who evoke a sense of secure masculinity, sensitivity, and a caring nature, I feel drawn towards them. I want to let boy-soul out to meet them. Be completely vulnerable. And have them embrace me. Not just emotionally, but physically. I

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-47489886797854403862009-05-11T23:41:00.004-05:002009-05-12T00:00:25.656-05:00

During prayer, I held two men's hands. The one on the left was a young college student. The one on the right was an elder of a church (I'll call him William).Several weeks back, I talked to elder William about my struggle. I was completely open. Like Brother A and brother B, William also was not afraid of my SSsA. When I told him that Brother A moved closer to me and wanted to hug me after I "

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-26936602739258378852009-05-11T08:29:00.004-05:002009-05-11T08:35:02.316-05:00

... holding on to your happy big-eyed stuffed turtle while having your father hold on to you and tell you that you are the most important boy in the whole world to him.... feeling like you are the most beautiful princess in the eyes of your father.... being woken up by a hunk-like husband with loving caresses and being made-loved to first thing in the morning after a good night's rest.... being

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-32247577448756367742009-05-07T02:05:00.008-05:002009-05-07T12:05:27.786-05:00

Finally connected with Brother A. We talked for a long time, and prayed at the end with open eyes, peering deep into each others' souls as we connected with our Father God.But...Boy-soul was not very willing to come out at first. Angry. Hurt. Not willing to trust Brother A after the long time of felt distance. (You know, that whole defensive detachment thing.)Brother A reached in, kept at it,

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-20454682611043383072009-05-06T01:41:00.000-05:002009-05-07T02:22:52.152-05:00

Long day. Long night. It's 2:41am. I'm helping everyone else, but me.Who's helping me?No one.Well...the Lord.Where's the Lord?I don't know.I'm going to sleep.Enough of this effing fishing for pity.I'm going to sleep.Did I say I'm going to sleep?I am going to sleep.(And no, I don't expect tomorrow to be any better.)I'm in such a bad mood, this post gets *no* labels!

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-69108293500663168452009-05-05T08:45:00.011-05:002009-05-05T09:29:38.966-05:00

It comes at the end of a busy period. Sometimes at the end of a busy day. And it seems to precede a time of lull.Busy!--Busy!--Busy!--(-----)--Lull.It has a voice and a message. It says,I am tired.I am worthless.Nobody loves me.There is no future.The mind, the will, they know what to do: Take a shower. Read a Psalm. Pray. Go to sleep.The body, the emotions, get more attention: The devil beating

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-87954235805759030342009-05-05T04:27:00.010-05:002009-05-05T04:55:11.413-05:00

This song captures what I've been feeling, in music, and in text (with a little poetic license).Well you done done me and you bet I felt itI tried to be chill but you're so hot that I meltedI fell right through the cracksNow I'm trying to get backBefore the cool done run outI'll be giving it my bestestAnd nothing's going to stop me but divine interventionI reckon it's again my turn to win some or

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-48105312853540345102009-05-05T04:07:00.002-05:002009-05-05T05:11:21.285-05:00

1. WORKWhen was my last post? I can't even remember. That's a good sign. I'm getting into my work. I am finding myself making some head-way. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.2. RELATIONSHIPSI'm also handling a lot of relationship conflicts. These are going well, improving. I'm glad that it's my area of competence and I can do it well, but it is tiring work. Still, it is necessary.

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-26410735792872521052009-04-30T09:49:00.008-05:002009-04-30T11:48:39.799-05:00

The elevator doors opened, and in walked a familiar face. He was handsome, fit, and bright. A rugged outdoor-adventure physique clad in suave corporate-fashion good looks. And dimples to accentuate his I’m-so-comfortable-in-my-male-skin smile. I had never fantasized about him sexually, but if I had to pick a man to play around with in my mind, he would top my list.“Hi! You’re so-and-so… Oh yes,

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-83194559236515448302009-04-28T23:00:00.019-05:002009-04-29T02:54:18.085-05:00

On Day 23 (April 28) of my 90-day fast, I succumbed to pornography and masturbation. It happened twice, once during the day, and once during the night.Here's the post-mortem:I had not had desire to look at porn since meeting Brother A seven weeks ago. I wanted the real-life intimacy Brother A gave me more than the sexual fantasy I conjured through looking at porn of men. And so, there was no

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-16269578239781856242009-04-27T03:06:00.005-05:002009-04-27T03:25:18.951-05:00

These videos move me to tears. I wish I could hug my dad like these boys hug their dads. I wish my dad would hug me back and kiss me like these dads do their sons.The biggest blessing in my life: I can do this with my own son.

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-2368354148307031322009-04-26T19:47:00.011-05:002009-04-26T20:14:46.653-05:00

ST (my Spiritual Twin) also struggles with SSA, both emotional and sexual. ST and I have never had a sexual relationship with each other.ST teaches at a college where a lot of foreigners come to study English. In response to my telling him about how wonderful it is to hold hands with Brother A, he told me that male students--from Saudi Arabia, India, Burma, Africa--would sometimes hold hands with

TCMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10066451417449408041noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-84786079548395492152009-04-26T10:09:00.006-05:002009-04-26T19:38:39.963-05:00

Brother A suggested that being sexual with one's wife over the phone is a good thing. He added that for him, it is a way to connect with his wife.It was awkward at first. We'd never done anything like that before.In the end, it worked out.And it was sweet.Very sweet.Not the same as solo masturbation at all.Not even close.It's all in the connecting.Amazing.Brother A comes through again.His love

John Doenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-32465051749837785392009-04-26T04:52:00.001-05:002009-04-26T04:54:19.281-05:00

A man of my peopleElected to the councilSaying a prayer over usWhy do I reject you?You are not a ghost from my pastI don't even know youAnd yet I've demonized youI accept youMy heart turns soft and vulnerableYour words of blessing come aliveI am isolated no more

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-79747405693310652302009-04-25T02:42:00.009-05:002009-04-28T23:00:39.129-05:00

Deadlines create anxiety for me: the fear of failure, I am not good enough. I medicate those feelings through sex. For me that has meant pornography and masturbation. I wrestled strongly with this anxiety over my deadlines as well as the urge to masturbate yesterday and today. And I've experienced victory.Factors contributing to my victory today:Chatting with a fellow SSsA-struggler onlineMaking

John Doenoreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-86304164581718189842009-04-24T09:56:00.006-05:002009-04-24T21:07:03.052-05:00

I am feeling tired.I am feeling worn out emotionally from processing about my real-life elder brother (see previous post).I am feeling stressed that I am not getting enough done on my work deadlines.Thus...I am thinking that I should go onto the internet to look at porn. Maybe straight porn--women--and masturbate to these images. Maybe gay porn--have a look, "test" out my healing.I've been

John Doenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-70546341306405936342009-04-23T21:48:00.006-05:002009-04-24T21:06:16.509-05:00

My real life Elder-brother abused me, physically and emotionally. When I was two or three, at my grandfather's funeral, he pushed me from the back for no reason, and I fell hurting myself.He was in every single birthday portrait of mine since birth, because he insisted. I was not in any of his.I could not sit next to him in the car because, God forbid, if the car should turn a corner and my leg

John Doenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-12357467443472105822009-04-23T19:17:00.006-05:002009-04-23T19:50:34.117-05:00

Brother K has SSA and is younger than me. [I use caps to denote if a brother is younger (b) or older (B) than me.]I love brother K like I love my own brother, like I love my own son, like I love my own "boy-soul" within me that is fast growing up.  When I think of brother K, I get an aching in my heart.  I long to see him come to experience God's full healing in his life, to the point where he no

John Doenoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-12566476888941477132009-04-22T09:31:00.010-05:002009-04-24T10:59:06.194-05:00

Today, Wed April 22, 2009 is Day 17 -- no porn, no masturbation. [Link]Continuing to have little to no desire to look at or think of men sexually, and absolutely zero desire to look at gay porn.Women continue to be increasingly more beautiful and attractive.Need to begin more regular quiet time. Loving God more with each passing day. He is so amazing!

John Doenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-27943776715841558532009-04-16T08:16:00.016-05:002009-04-26T06:27:39.908-05:00

[ .../ continued from Part 1 ]4. God’s Love “In The Real”I can’t remember exactly what we were doing at the time, but twice when I was with Brother A, I asked the Lord if there was a purpose for me in meeting him in person. I had a strong impression in my heart that God wanted to or was going to show me His love “in the real.” The words “in the real” were so clear I could almost hear them with

John Doenoreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-78431486765947165292009-04-14T14:08:00.017-05:002009-04-14T16:40:19.142-05:00

I just need to let this out: I LOVE BROTHER A!!!!I think I have developed an "addiction" to non-sexual male intimacy and have lost my addiction to gay pornography.Key words: non-sexual, male, intimacy.I want deep relating with men.  It makes me feel so good and complete as a man. And in turn, a new gentle and attractive masculinity that I have never before experienced in myself seems to be

John Doenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-41417433097368311842009-04-11T23:50:00.010-05:002009-04-26T06:28:44.787-05:00

Exactly four weeks ago today (Sat., March 14, 2009) things took a major turn for me in my journey towards sexual wholeness. This is a summary what has taken place so far.1. A New Accountability PartnerI have known Brother A for more than a year, but because we live in different cities, we only interacted online, and infrequently. Last November, I started to have serious difficulty staying off

John Doenoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-92214541464317905552009-04-10T13:47:00.027-05:002009-04-10T23:53:25.047-05:00

There is outward masculinity and there is inward masculinity. When I put on outward masculinity without a fully developed sense of inner masculinity, I am only pretending to be a man.One sign of masculinity I learned as a boy is to be able to withhold from crying.Question: How do you make a sensitive, highly relational boy not cry?Answer: Tell him that what he feels at the very core of who he is

John Doenoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-44798734907767180732009-04-08T16:48:00.008-05:002009-04-08T21:09:54.286-05:00

Had a good chat with someone who has experienced healing in SSA and works in SSA-ministry as a professional. I probed him about the role of male intimacy, and he agreed that it was a key healing factor for him.Jeff over at carleton1958.xanga.com wrote about male intimacy -- a worthy read, and some excellent comments as well.Haydos over at Giraffe Pen seems to also be experiencing something

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-495846318508911992009-04-08T16:00:00.009-05:002009-04-08T16:44:49.904-05:00

I was recently invited to join a Facebook group for men dealing with SSA. One of the topics is fasting from porn and masturbation. I decided to join. This is part of what I wrote on the topic:Today (April 7) is Day 2.One of the things that I have found challenging in counting abstinence days is the demotivation that comes from falling over and over again. I'd like to encourage us not to give

John Doenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-29541945310119463612009-04-07T09:00:00.000-05:002009-04-07T19:09:32.515-05:00

I fell on Sunday night. The computer people took off my accountability software as it was giving me problems. So on Sunday night, when I had some time alone, I decided to "check out my healing" by looking at porn.The first time I did it, I noticed that I no longer had a sexual attraction to my usual stuff. In fact, seeing a "straight guy seduced" felt completely wrong to me at a visceral level

John Doenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-45846131079425239492009-04-05T01:27:00.008-05:002009-04-05T16:21:51.104-05:00

I've been spending my extra hours scouring through the blogosphere for Christians writing about their SSA struggles.I never realized there were so many active blogs!Although my search is far from exhaustive, I already have TEN bookmarks of Christian SSA bloggers that I will be visiting... in Blogger, Xanga, and Wordpress.  And it looks like these folks are spread around the world, not just in the

John Doenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-9674895545326714542009-04-03T12:02:00.008-05:002009-04-07T00:32:21.736-05:00

Brother M is one of my accountability partners. He tends to "M"eander when he talks. Likes to meander to conversations about "stuff" (home repairs, taxes, etc.) and also theology and evangelism. If what you are talking about sparks off some distant experience of his, Brother M might meander there and talk about that for 5 minutes, leaving you all confused as to what he is going on about. But

John Doenoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-53452411298975272592009-04-03T00:23:00.008-05:002009-04-04T00:08:54.605-05:00

Here are two major shifts I noticed in my growth into manhood.OneI usually start to gawk more at men after I've sinned through masturbation/fantasy/porn.  Today, my eyes scanned a few good-looking men shortly after I masturbated.  Nothing.  Unless I knew that they were able to connect emotionally with me, I had no interest in them sexually no matter how good looking they were.Then as I was

John Doenoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-1217023876717787072009-04-02T23:53:00.006-05:002009-04-08T16:36:40.864-05:00

I need to be authentic on this blog.  I need to say what I really feel.  Honesty and authenticity is the only way I can move forward. Even in my deepest vulnerability and desperation, I don't want pity.  Nor the embarrassed reaction of an onlooker trying to cover up my naked shame.  In reaching out with my bloodied hand, I am waiting for only the hand of the scarred healer to  reach back in full

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-58004156732889634512009-04-02T12:14:00.006-05:002009-04-02T13:09:45.939-05:00

I am feeling a sense of withdrawal.  In the past, it would have been clear what I wanted: to go look at porn of men.  Straight men, mostly.  But today, I am not sure what I am feeling a withdrawal from.I guess I am feeling like I need to talk to someone.  A straight male friend who is capable of connecting intimately.I am feeling isolated.  That's what it is.And it has something to do with work

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-88332061802162331522009-03-31T13:41:00.005-05:002009-03-31T14:18:56.147-05:00

Today, I saw an ad on a website. Just a regular financial ad, but it featured a strong, good-looking man smiling and sitting on the top of a mountain. I immediately felt a sexual attraction towards him. I went back to the ad and looked closely while I examined my own responses. My typical response (subconscious, mostly) would have been:(1) I am different; I could never be like him(2) Men like

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-77252746131956354402009-03-31T13:15:00.003-05:002009-03-31T13:41:44.717-05:00

Brother and I were talking about feelings of intimacy that is accompanied with feelings of arousal in the genitals.Brother gets what I would call "sexual arousal" when he is intimate with another person (regardless of gender). But he calls it "sensuality," this tingling in the loins. It may even be accompanied with a mild erection and the release of seminal fluid. But to Brother, it is not

John Doenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-35012065987400407502009-03-29T22:40:00.008-05:002009-04-07T00:32:48.913-05:00

In my previous post, I wrote about the category g0y. I criticized it from a Christian perspective. But thinking about the spectrum of sexuality (hetero to homo) helps me to understand better my own sexual arousal.I had talked in an earlier post about the "tingling sensation in the loins" when I feel emotionally close to a male person (which I will now refer to as "male intimacy" and "sexual

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-18995033534455555932009-03-29T00:41:00.007-05:002009-03-29T22:33:12.473-05:00

"g0ys." It's spelled with a "zero." Not gUy, no gAy, but g0y.Basically, it covers a wider range of Kinsey's homo-to-heterosexual spectrum than "gAy" does: from man-to-man sexual behavior (anything except anal sex, which is seen as "gAy") to non-sexual intimate connecting between men. The common theme tying together the thread is men who desire to have intimate emotional connection with other

John Doenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-5084125029955024522009-03-27T21:58:00.011-05:002009-04-26T06:30:48.834-05:00

WTF!The more I try to sort through my feelings, the more I get caught up in a loop.I only know this: The same-sex attraction I used to feel is gone, and has been gone now for two whole weeks. And this: I am scared to hell of what is happening to me.Other that those two things, I don't know anything else. I don't know if Brother is changing; or if I should visit him; or if I am being too much for

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-52729029428188678262009-03-26T14:21:00.005-05:002009-03-26T14:28:13.942-05:00

All this change:It has something to do with keeping my heart open when I look at guys, combined with a deep feeling of being loved and fully accepted by another man in a non-sexual way.The homosexual feelings become secondary, fading into the background, disappearing completely.

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-87684479361454004712009-03-26T02:13:00.021-05:002009-04-07T00:34:17.108-05:00

I'll admit it. I watch Ugly Betty. I'll also admit that I wouldn't profess that publicly before because I was afraid someone would call me out as "gay" for liking that show.Okay! Now that that's out of the way, I want to reflect about why the ending of Season 3, Episode 14 so moved me tonight. Two subplots.- - - One.Wilhelmina, the power-hungry co-editor-in-chief of Mode magazine, works hard

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-39659813633358626092009-03-25T21:32:00.007-05:002009-03-26T12:25:03.780-05:00

The love I have been receiving from Brother is unlike any I have ever experienced. He really is not afraid of me "falling in love" with him. He seems to be completely okay with it on a non-sexual basis, soaking in my fondness for him in a... how can I describe it... an ethereal way. He is not freaked out by me telling him I'm falling in love with him. He just welcomes it. My Brother is,

John Doenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-38381031439481821832009-03-24T12:54:00.001-05:002009-03-24T16:49:28.507-05:00

While searching for something online, I happened upon an article on mentoring men who struggle with SSA by Steven Donaldson and Del Thornton (link). The article summarized so many aspects of what I have been experiencing in my relationship with Brother. Turns out that Brother also read this article--in fact, uses it as a guide in helping people like me.The authors wrote,"... a mentor must pursue

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-3779551299921823392009-03-23T03:08:00.008-05:002009-04-26T06:31:23.072-05:00

For the past week, I have been caught in an emotional frenzy like I had not experienced before. An attachment of mostly make-belief. Perceptions.The attachment is not real, like a door or a shoe. It's all in my head. Just neurons and chemicals. I do not need to let it continue to rule my emotions the way it has, even though the experience has been beneficial. I believe I have learned the

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-60549515107095715152009-03-22T14:58:00.017-05:002009-03-22T15:48:39.819-05:00

He brings out the little brother in me.I remember that feeling. From so, so long ago. One of my elder brothers could do that. In his quiet ways, I looked up to him. Almost anything he did was heroic. I was even willing to share the snack that he had half-chewed in his mouth. It was never sexual. It was just how little brothers are to safe, caring, older brothers.Each time I read my new

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-10000373279300803602009-03-22T00:19:00.013-05:002009-03-22T00:58:17.757-05:00

The past three weeks had been good. Good until today.For the first time in a week, I thought about looking at porn. (Thought about. Isn't that incredible? I had not desired porn for a single instant in a whole week!)But it's here. The desire is back and can be fanned into flame.The wife. Still going through trauma counseling for her past. Can't seem to get a grip on herself, and so she

John Doenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-15336489937068429212009-03-21T00:42:00.001-05:002009-03-22T00:51:49.983-05:00

It seems that I am not alone.Scouring through the blogosphere, I found some other men (1, 2) writing about their attachments to straight male friends in uncannily similar ways to what I am experiencing with my straight male friend Brother.In the past, I would have shrugged off such writings and even avoided such people. "Too gay."I was in denial. I thought I was different, more straight. But

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-84258101813778155482009-03-19T03:12:00.002-05:002009-04-26T06:32:07.615-05:00

It is interesting how I have had no desire for pornography over the last 5 days. The desire has instead been replaced by a desire for male companionship; for my brother, certainly, but seeing how he has his own life to live, I'm allowing other men to come in as well.Today, I let two men in. The first was older. I noticed his softness, kindness, and a desire to connect. He reached out to

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-48477861075586032742009-03-18T07:25:00.000-05:002009-03-18T07:34:00.580-05:00

Your song has ministered to me in ways that you will never know or understand. At least not here on earth. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for pointing me to the Lord.I will be strong, and I will take courage in Jesus.

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-58751338761406234752009-03-18T04:01:00.000-05:002009-03-18T04:38:36.326-05:00

I have this pattern: when I feel weak and unsure of myself, I go to porn. When my self-esteem is low or I feel nervous about my work, I get a fix by searching out just the right porn clip to masturbate to.More recently, in moments of weakness and vulnerability, I have found myself missing my straight-male friend brother instead. I no longer want pornography. I want my brother. To talk to him.

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-46932351351441832852009-03-17T09:36:00.001-05:002009-03-17T20:36:42.399-05:00

Brothers smell. They stink. Just like me.Brothers can look good, but they never appeal to me in a sexual way. Even when they splash on the best of colognes, they still stink when you get close.Brothers have erections in bathtubs together. They laugh about it. Compare sizes. Then they argue and fight--someone took someone's soap. Erections go down. Up and down, their penises, like their

John Doenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-10283533571361316322009-03-16T23:49:00.000-05:002009-03-17T06:57:45.241-05:00

As a boy, I used to stroke the belly of my puppy. He would lie on his back and enjoy every caress. I also noticed that when I stroked him, he would sometimes sprout an erection.I am thinking today about how much I love my friend. My straight, male friend who shares with me his very heart and soul, who knows me in all of my vulnerabilities, and yet still accepts me, fully. My friend, who upon

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-35133835776967373022009-03-05T12:05:00.000-06:002009-03-05T12:28:44.243-06:00

He wrote back and said three words that landed deep in my heart: I love you.I struggled to accept the sincerity of those words.  It's not his issue, it's mine.  Years of rejection and abuse from intimate male figures--fathers, brothers--taught me that love does not come from men.  The place in my heart reserved for receiving love from men had been filled in and painted over.Lies.  All lies.  He

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-63913414972462499472009-03-04T05:59:00.001-06:002009-03-04T10:55:03.457-06:00

This blog is now open to the world.

John Doenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-19811985632924699512009-03-04T04:28:00.000-06:002009-03-04T10:54:27.787-06:00

I'm very low on energy.  I don't sleep much at night, and when I am up during the day, I am tired and sleepy all day.I have work to do, and I am doing it, but slowly.  There is a sense of fear in approaching this work.  So many ghosts.  Can I do this?  Am I man enough?Had I not installed the accountability software, I would have gone to porn to get my dopamine fix.  Feel-good chemicals for the

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-8464588123436435462009-03-03T17:37:00.000-06:002009-03-21T00:13:07.491-05:00

It had been almost a month since I last wrote. Where am I?I had to make some changes to my computer more than week a ago and I discovered that I could look at porn without alerting my accountability partner. And so I have been doing that frequently, at first, as an experiment to figure out my software, and then because I wanted to engage in it.Over the past month, I have been isolating myself

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-30342830239349373332009-02-09T02:12:00.000-06:002009-02-09T02:54:02.678-06:00

Over the last week, I have allowed myself to look at porn several times. I wanted to let myself "loose" so that I could find out, without any shred of doubt, if I am truly changing.This is what I've discovered.  5 points.1. I *am* less attracted to men sexually.I can see men having all kinds of sexual acts either alone or together, but I see it not so much with a sense of deprivation within me. I

John Doenoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-66765488260300883062009-02-07T11:34:00.000-06:002009-02-07T12:43:21.656-06:00

In my last post, I talked about Charles Ingalls. How he was my hero of a father-figure and how he became the source of my many objects of fantasy. What made the fantasy more attractive was that Michael Landon, the actor, was such a hunk of a man and portrayed that role so well. He was handsome, strong, fatherly, manly, and sensitive all at the same time.What I didn't realize was, his son, Michael

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-62066249089141193982009-02-04T02:19:00.001-06:002009-04-05T16:21:21.806-05:00

The bottle on the bureau winked at me and whispered, "restore your hair and look great again!"Making sure no one was around, I pulled down my pants, poured some of the lotion onto my palm, and rubbed it on my pubic area.Then I waited. And waited. I checked everyday to see if any little hairs had sprouted.Nothing.I was 9.-----Fast forward a couple of years.I noticed a little something on my pubic

John Doenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-86275124895130444822009-01-31T16:12:00.000-06:002009-01-31T16:35:29.619-06:00

I had put a pause in accountability reports last week so that I can attend to the project I am working on.  It has been almost two weeks since I put on that pause.In that time, I have masturbated twice, and once I fell to pornography online -- last night.One of the biggest hindrances to purity is not to have accountability. And so, I am taking some time to write this, and to be accountable

John Doenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-3033046317400847362009-01-18T18:34:00.000-06:002009-02-07T11:08:24.656-06:00

He said:"...nothing you reveal will change my commitment to care for and love you."I heard:"... neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate (us) you from (the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord) My love."I wish I knew this love as a 12-year old

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-72894680201453692612009-01-17T23:30:00.001-06:002009-03-20T23:50:21.294-05:00

As I was reading (studying), your faces came to me.One of you had mentioned repentance.I could imagine your face.Searing judgment.A sadness came upon me.I am worthless. I am nothing.Deep shame.I let it sit,let it slowlystingits sadnessinto my soul.From somewhere, a light.Invisible, almost imperceptible,melting sadness into surrender.My impressive education is not worth anything.This important

John Doenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4288964595994983784.post-74576540547094464742009-01-17T20:46:00.000-06:002009-03-04T05:30:20.925-06:00

I fell last night.  Internet pornography.I will write more later.  I have been thinking what's gone wrong this week, after 3 weeks of "success."Accountability is good, but it's hard to feel so exposed and vulnerable.  I am ashamed of myself, but I'm trying not to dwell on it.  I'm not being proud or avoiding.  It's just too painful to expose my same-sex sins to other men, straight men.  You must

John Doenoreply@blogger.com4