Misery Seeks Isolation & Pornography

The past three weeks had been good. Good until today.

For the first time in a week, I thought about looking at porn.

(Thought about. Isn't that incredible? I had not desired porn for a single instant in a whole week!)

But it's here. The desire is back and can be fanned into flame.

The wife. Still going through trauma counseling for her past. Can't seem to get a grip on herself, and so she clings reactively. When she is sad about herself, I can handle it. When she gets anxious and controlling of me, it's like cat claws ripping into my skin. I growl! Show my teeth. She backs off. For a bit.

Home is supposed to be a safe place. So why does it feel like I've left weeks in paradise to come back to hell? At first, it was pure relational bliss; now, it's a field of anxious, controlling energy.

The best thing to do is to go and comfort her. Be gentle. Be loving. Be patient.

But I am so damn tired. And empty. I can't keep giving out of an empty well.

I don't even want Brother right now. In my state of misery, I feel like I just can't rely on anyone. Isolation into pornography feels like the safest option.

I'm going to sleep. In the basement. By myself. Maybe things might get better tomorrow. Maybe.

Quick but Important Post

Monday: Finally was able to be intimate with wife.  It was great.

Tuesday: Things were well, but decided to put a deadline on my work.  Pushed myself to work extra hard, double the effort.  The stress was being felt, and I found myself fantasizing a little more than usual.

Wednesday: Couldn't sleep--woke up after 5 hours.  Felt miserable.  Had a stressful exchange with wife in the morning.  Left for the gym.  Went into shower.  Masturbated.  There was an attractive guy there that stimulated me.  I tried to fight it all the way, but once I began to touch myself, it was too late.  In the afternoon, the stressful exchange turned into a huge argument.  It was resolved but left me exhausted.  I went to nap.

Thursday: Things are stable again.

Friday: I will be going to the gym again tomorrow.  I want to write this so that I am accountable before I go.  I don't want to fall again.

Entering Sobriety (also known as "Becoming Scandinavian")

I've been here before. Upset yet calm, angry yet sober, sad but still productive.

This is how sobriety feels. You don't let your emotions rule your behavior. You choose your behavior. You rational mind is more in control of your behavior than your emotions are. In neurology-speak, one could explain it as letting the frontal lobe higher executive functioning override the primitive-amygdala impulse.

I am becoming Scandinavian!

God forbid.

I am becoming more able to do what the author in 2 Cor 10:5 advises: "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." Every thought really means every emotional response if you understand cognitive psychology well.

I had an argument with the wife last night. She quoted some article about a man whose wife did not want to have sex at 5 months of pregnancy. Then she said that the wife had a C-section for all three of her births, so in total, there was no sex for him 21 months for each birth. She said that he never complained to his wife but supported her. Then she concluded by saying that he has not masturbated since 1998.

I responded by saying that just because his wife did not want to have sex or he did not masturbate does not mean that he had to go "sexless" for 21 months. There is a lot that they can still do as a couple, for instance, the wife could give him manual penile stimulation.

She started to react at that point, and the rest of the conversation was emotionally-guided rather than rational, and because of her anxious reactions, she never heard my point. I stormed out of the room and went to sleep somewhere else.

I am very proud of myself. I did not fantasize, I did not go onto the internet for comfort or distraction.

I know she is going through old sexual trauma issues. I'm the one who pushed for and found her a very good new therapist for her to work on that. But it can't all be about her and her discomfort. There is a great deal of discomfort on my part to have her want physical-but-not-sexual closeness. And when she spites my discomfort of going sexually sober (because she is so reactive over my wanting sex between us), I feel like there is no point to be married to her.

Don't worry, I'm not considering divorce. I am just processing -- big difference. The latter is an extremely healthy thing to do.

But I am sober. And I am not masturbating. The ache is getting less and less. I am beginning to feel what someone said to me earlier this week, "I don't know why but it felt like a joke to want to go and masturbate after that fight with my wife."