Crying and Masculinity

There is outward masculinity and there is inward masculinity. When I put on outward masculinity without a fully developed sense of inner masculinity, I am only pretending to be a man.

One sign of masculinity I learned as a boy is to be able to withhold from crying.

Question: How do you make a sensitive, highly relational boy not cry?

Answer: Tell him that what he feels at the very core of who he is makes him a useless homo.

In other words, crush and destroy who he really is so that a more masculine and socially-acceptable boy can magically take over.

Today I feel like crying.

It goes against everything I've been conditioned to believe and value. "Boys don't cry" is a shell I have worn for ages. And I've worn it (and other such "masculine attributes") so well that people have trouble believing that I truly struggle with same-sex attraction.

Buyer beware: Empty masculine shell is hollow on the inside and prone to masturbate to sexualized images of other men.

"Boys don't cry?"

That's bullshit. Another piece of bullshit that led me to sexualize my deep need to emotionally relate and feel safe with other men.

Today I cry...

• for Brother A because I see him struggling under his stresses and past hurts.
• for me because I have to be strong for Brother A when I need him so much to be strong for me.
• with relief, realizing that there is this part of me strong enough for even a man like Brother A to feel safe to lean on.
• for all the other SSA men who have sought me out as a source of strength and support.
• remembering that many straight masculine men come to me in real life and cry before me in the safety and confidentiality of my office.

Today, I cry that my boy-soul is finally recognizing that he is one and the same with this strong man on whom so many other men lean.

Like a dog that returns to its vomit...

I fell on Sunday night. The computer people took off my accountability software as it was giving me problems. So on Sunday night, when I had some time alone, I decided to "check out my healing" by looking at porn.

The first time I did it, I noticed that I no longer had a sexual attraction to my usual stuff. In fact, seeing a "straight guy seduced" felt completely wrong to me at a visceral level. I turned to look at the heterosexual porn and found myself identifying with the guy, and enjoying the beauty of the woman. It aroused me greatly.

After confessing to wife what I did and praying for forgiveness together, we were able to make passionate love. I was completely present.

I had trouble sleeping. So in the middle of the night, I got up, and went back to the porn.

I think deep down, I was grieving the change.  Masturbating to male porn had been my friend for so many years.  It had offered me safety, relieve, and comfort (not to mention all kinds of feel-good chemicals in my brain).  But now, the attraction was gone.  At some level, I was grieving the loss and wanted the attraction back.

Like a dog that returns to its vomit is a fool who repeats his folly. (Prov. 26:11)

The fool doesn't think he is being foolish; he repeats his folly because that's what he is used to doing.  He has not learned new, adaptive behavior.  Trouble is, there are snares and there is real Enemy.  So the fool, if he is not careful, may lose his life because of his folly.

(Okay, back to the porn.)

At first I could not find what used to be there for me.  No attraction to this.  No attraction to that.  But I would not stop.  I kept on looking.  Then all of a sudden, there it was: two men in a most intimate loving posture, and it was sexual.

WHAM!

I fell.

It wasn't just a behavioral fall, like a quickie to relieve tension.  I really, really wanted to be with those guys.  It was a deep emotional and sexual longing.  And the desire lingered even to the next morning.

I looked for my vomit, found it, and the Enemy made sure that it got shoved all the way back down my throat.

- - - 

Brother A came to the rescue today.  I told him everything.  

At first, I didn't want to tell him.  It was as if my sexualizing of male-intimacy was a most serious affront to the holy love that we have for each other.  

When Brother A embraced me and forgave me (in Jesus' name), and reassured his love for me, it was as if Jesus himself embraced and forgave me and reassured me of his love.  It took a while for me to be able to accept it.  I was feeling deeply ashamed.  After some time of talking, shame finally turned into humble acceptance of forgiveness.

I don't want to go back to my vomit, ever again.  I've learned my lesson.  May God, in His grace, not take away the change that He has allowed me to experience over the past three weeks.

Godly Sorrow

As I was reading (studying), your faces came to me.

One of you had mentioned repentance.
I could imagine your face.
Searing judgment.

A sadness came upon me.
I am worthless. I am nothing.

Deep shame.

I let it sit,
let it slowly
sting
its sadness
into my soul.

From somewhere, a light.
Invisible, almost imperceptible,
melting sadness into surrender.

My impressive education is not worth anything.
This important project is not worth anything.
Nothing I do is worth anything.
Only Jesus.

Yes, I am worth something in Jesus.
A worth not pumped-up or pompous but contrite and content.
A worth requiring no-striving, only surrender and recognition:
You are my all in all.

"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." (2 Cor. 7:10)

Entering Sobriety (also known as "Becoming Scandinavian")

I've been here before. Upset yet calm, angry yet sober, sad but still productive.

This is how sobriety feels. You don't let your emotions rule your behavior. You choose your behavior. You rational mind is more in control of your behavior than your emotions are. In neurology-speak, one could explain it as letting the frontal lobe higher executive functioning override the primitive-amygdala impulse.

I am becoming Scandinavian!

God forbid.

I am becoming more able to do what the author in 2 Cor 10:5 advises: "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." Every thought really means every emotional response if you understand cognitive psychology well.

I had an argument with the wife last night. She quoted some article about a man whose wife did not want to have sex at 5 months of pregnancy. Then she said that the wife had a C-section for all three of her births, so in total, there was no sex for him 21 months for each birth. She said that he never complained to his wife but supported her. Then she concluded by saying that he has not masturbated since 1998.

I responded by saying that just because his wife did not want to have sex or he did not masturbate does not mean that he had to go "sexless" for 21 months. There is a lot that they can still do as a couple, for instance, the wife could give him manual penile stimulation.

She started to react at that point, and the rest of the conversation was emotionally-guided rather than rational, and because of her anxious reactions, she never heard my point. I stormed out of the room and went to sleep somewhere else.

I am very proud of myself. I did not fantasize, I did not go onto the internet for comfort or distraction.

I know she is going through old sexual trauma issues. I'm the one who pushed for and found her a very good new therapist for her to work on that. But it can't all be about her and her discomfort. There is a great deal of discomfort on my part to have her want physical-but-not-sexual closeness. And when she spites my discomfort of going sexually sober (because she is so reactive over my wanting sex between us), I feel like there is no point to be married to her.

Don't worry, I'm not considering divorce. I am just processing -- big difference. The latter is an extremely healthy thing to do.

But I am sober. And I am not masturbating. The ache is getting less and less. I am beginning to feel what someone said to me earlier this week, "I don't know why but it felt like a joke to want to go and masturbate after that fight with my wife."