During prayer, I held two men's hands. The one on the left was a young college student. The one on the right was an elder of a church (I'll call him William).
Several weeks back, I talked to elder William about my struggle. I was completely open. Like Brother A and brother B, William also was not afraid of my SSsA. When I told him that Brother A moved closer to me and wanted to hug me after I "confessed" to having sexual feelings for him (exactly 8 weeks ago today!), he smiled and felt like he could identify with Brother A. He really was not phased by my SSsA. But elder William is pretty busy so I have not had the chance to pursue deeper intimacy with him the way I have with Brother A.
As we prayed today, I was very aware of elder William's hand holding mine. It was not much bigger than the student's hand to my left. Yet, I felt a great deal of loving warmth coming from elder William's hand (and nothing from the student's hand).
Then, it dawned on me that this connection through hands is not so much about hands per se or the student's hand would have illicited a similar response. It is all about how I feel towards the person. Like Brother A, elder William has also accepted me fully in all of my vulnerabilities. Having him hold my hand felt incredibly safe, warm, and comforting. Like the assuring hand of a strong, loving father.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Happiness Is
... holding on to your happy big-eyed stuffed turtle while having your father hold on to you and tell you that you are the most important boy in the whole world to him.
... feeling like you are the most beautiful princess in the eyes of your father.
... being woken up by a hunk-like husband with loving caresses and being made-loved to first thing in the morning after a good night's rest.
... being completely raw, vulnerable, and child-like with an elder, winsome Brother, and still be loved by him.
... running for 30 minutes at high speed and feeling completely exhilarated and not exhausted.
... being focused and productive at work, and not having emotional ghosts clawing you for unhealthy attention.
... following in the footsteps of Jesus.
... feeling like you are the most beautiful princess in the eyes of your father.
... being woken up by a hunk-like husband with loving caresses and being made-loved to first thing in the morning after a good night's rest.
... being completely raw, vulnerable, and child-like with an elder, winsome Brother, and still be loved by him.
... running for 30 minutes at high speed and feeling completely exhilarated and not exhausted.
... being focused and productive at work, and not having emotional ghosts clawing you for unhealthy attention.
... following in the footsteps of Jesus.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
That Being-Loved Feeling
Finally connected with Brother A. We talked for a long time, and prayed at the end with open eyes, peering deep into each others' souls as we connected with our Father God.
But...
Boy-soul was not very willing to come out at first. Angry. Hurt. Not willing to trust Brother A after the long time of felt distance. (You know, that whole defensive detachment thing.)
Brother A reached in, kept at it, pushing at times, pulling back at times. He let boy-soul talk. Air his frustrations, his insecurities, his hurt, and his deep need to be reassured.
Boy-soul softened after a while
Hooray Brother A -- you did it!
(That was my Adult-self talking.)
(Don't worry, this is not multiple personalities. Just metaphors.)
Boy-soul let Brother A in again. In to that soft, vulnerable place to which only God has access. Boy-soul needed it so much. We needed it so much.
And now, despite all the tiredness, all the helping-other-people's-problems, we are feeling good again. I am feeling good again.
Brother A loves me. I needed to know that. I needed to feel that. And now that I do, everything is okay again.
Not porn, not sex. Like a young boy desperate for the love and attention of his father, what I needed was love from a man I respect and with whom I can feel completely safe and vulnerable.
Brother A, we love you. All of us: boy-soul, adult-self, professional-self, caregiver-self, and most of all, brother-self.
Now, I am ready to go watch Star Trek.
But...
Boy-soul was not very willing to come out at first. Angry. Hurt. Not willing to trust Brother A after the long time of felt distance. (You know, that whole defensive detachment thing.)
Brother A reached in, kept at it, pushing at times, pulling back at times. He let boy-soul talk. Air his frustrations, his insecurities, his hurt, and his deep need to be reassured.
Boy-soul softened after a while
Hooray Brother A -- you did it!
(That was my Adult-self talking.)
(Don't worry, this is not multiple personalities. Just metaphors.)
Boy-soul let Brother A in again. In to that soft, vulnerable place to which only God has access. Boy-soul needed it so much. We needed it so much.
And now, despite all the tiredness, all the helping-other-people's-problems, we are feeling good again. I am feeling good again.
Brother A loves me. I needed to know that. I needed to feel that. And now that I do, everything is okay again.
Not porn, not sex. Like a young boy desperate for the love and attention of his father, what I needed was love from a man I respect and with whom I can feel completely safe and vulnerable.
Brother A, we love you. All of us: boy-soul, adult-self, professional-self, caregiver-self, and most of all, brother-self.
Now, I am ready to go watch Star Trek.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
That In-Between Feeling (Again)
Long day. Long night. It's 2:41am. I'm helping everyone else, but me.
Who's helping me?
No one.
Well...
the Lord.
Where's the Lord?
I don't know.
I'm going to sleep.
Enough of this effing fishing for pity.
I'm going to sleep.
Did I say I'm going to sleep?
I am going to sleep.
(And no, I don't expect tomorrow to be any better.)
I'm in such a bad mood, this post gets *no* labels!
Who's helping me?
No one.
Well...
the Lord.
Where's the Lord?
I don't know.
I'm going to sleep.
Enough of this effing fishing for pity.
I'm going to sleep.
Did I say I'm going to sleep?
I am going to sleep.
(And no, I don't expect tomorrow to be any better.)
I'm in such a bad mood, this post gets *no* labels!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
That In-Between Feeling: Damn You!
It comes at the end of a busy period. Sometimes at the end of a busy day. And it seems to precede a time of lull.
Busy!--Busy!--Busy!--(-----)--Lull.
It has a voice and a message. It says,
I am tired.
I am worthless.
Nobody loves me.
There is no future.
The mind, the will, they know what to do: Take a shower. Read a Psalm. Pray. Go to sleep.
The body, the emotions, get more attention: The devil beating them up, taunting, bullying, jeering, pushing the mind, the will, into the background.
- - -
Saw Brother A for a few minutes. He asked me how I was doing. I knew he had to go. I knew I was not feeling the best.
When you feel bad and the person you need most to talk to shows up and then has no time for you... you feel like ramming your head against the wall.
I let him go without going into how crappy I felt.
Last night, it was my wife. Tonight, it was Brother A.
Last night, I fell to porn. Tonight, I will beat up the devil who is trying to beat up my body and my emotions. I will say, "you've been damned to hell!"
And I will go take a shower. Have a glass of wine. Listen to something soothing. Do some lectio divina. And go to sleep.
Busy!--Busy!--Busy!--(-----)--Lull.
It has a voice and a message. It says,
I am tired.
I am worthless.
Nobody loves me.
There is no future.
The mind, the will, they know what to do: Take a shower. Read a Psalm. Pray. Go to sleep.
The body, the emotions, get more attention: The devil beating them up, taunting, bullying, jeering, pushing the mind, the will, into the background.
- - -
Saw Brother A for a few minutes. He asked me how I was doing. I knew he had to go. I knew I was not feeling the best.
When you feel bad and the person you need most to talk to shows up and then has no time for you... you feel like ramming your head against the wall.
I let him go without going into how crappy I felt.
Last night, it was my wife. Tonight, it was Brother A.
Last night, I fell to porn. Tonight, I will beat up the devil who is trying to beat up my body and my emotions. I will say, "you've been damned to hell!"
And I will go take a shower. Have a glass of wine. Listen to something soothing. Do some lectio divina. And go to sleep.
I'm Yours
This song captures what I've been feeling, in music, and in text (with a little poetic license).
Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some
I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved
So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours
I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This oh this this is out fate, I'm yours!
Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some
I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved
So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours
I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This oh this this is out fate, I'm yours!
Updates
1. WORK
When was my last post? I can't even remember. That's a good sign. I'm getting into my work. I am finding myself making some head-way. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
2. RELATIONSHIPS
I'm also handling a lot of relationship conflicts. These are going well, improving. I'm glad that it's my area of competence and I can do it well, but it is tiring work. Still, it is necessary. Relationship problems don't go away by themselves.
3. BOY-SOUL
Did not connect with Brother A for a couple of weeks. Finally connected. It was good, yet different. I am very aware now of boy-soul within, who comes out whenever he is with Brother A. Pretty needy, still, that boy-soul. I am trying to parent him more myself. He wants to hide within Brother A's embrace, but he also knows that Brother A is very human.
We (me and boy-soul) are allowing ourselves (1) to continue to be very open, tender, and vulnerable with Brother A, and (2) to begin exploring by taking little steps towards the "outside." Boy-soul is scared that if he should come out, he will get bullied. Poor thing.
It's okay, Boy-soul, I'm with you. God is with us. And Brother A is good for keeps.
4. PURITY & PORN
This 90-day fast thing is not working. Last night, I fell to porn again. Not the anxious Boy-soul driven need to sexualize male intimacy, more of a self-pity anger reflex from trying to be intimate with wife on the phone, and having the conversation go sour. Nothing worse than getting all aroused and ready to climax, and then not be able to because of an argument.
There is a part of me that is afraid to look at porn of naked women alone (i.e. without a man present). Even in all of my risk-taking, that is a floodgate I am not willing to peek into. After confessing to wife later, I also told her that I'm still not masturbating to nude women alone, and I won't do so until she gives me permission.
Wife: Err... you mean give you permission to masturbate to sexual thoughts of other women? Oh! You mean like all of my Christian women friends give their husbands permission to masturbate to porn of nude women?
She makes me smile when she's funny like that.
A man and a woman: moaning with pleasure in intimate sexual and emotional embrace.
Turns me on. Big time. Will be me. And my wife. A few more days. I can't wait.
In the meantime, it's another Day 1 today. (Groan.)
Gotta get that Covenant Eyes installed. But I am so unwilling to pay for it.
When was my last post? I can't even remember. That's a good sign. I'm getting into my work. I am finding myself making some head-way. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
2. RELATIONSHIPS
I'm also handling a lot of relationship conflicts. These are going well, improving. I'm glad that it's my area of competence and I can do it well, but it is tiring work. Still, it is necessary. Relationship problems don't go away by themselves.
3. BOY-SOUL
Did not connect with Brother A for a couple of weeks. Finally connected. It was good, yet different. I am very aware now of boy-soul within, who comes out whenever he is with Brother A. Pretty needy, still, that boy-soul. I am trying to parent him more myself. He wants to hide within Brother A's embrace, but he also knows that Brother A is very human.
We (me and boy-soul) are allowing ourselves (1) to continue to be very open, tender, and vulnerable with Brother A, and (2) to begin exploring by taking little steps towards the "outside." Boy-soul is scared that if he should come out, he will get bullied. Poor thing.
It's okay, Boy-soul, I'm with you. God is with us. And Brother A is good for keeps.
4. PURITY & PORN
This 90-day fast thing is not working. Last night, I fell to porn again. Not the anxious Boy-soul driven need to sexualize male intimacy, more of a self-pity anger reflex from trying to be intimate with wife on the phone, and having the conversation go sour. Nothing worse than getting all aroused and ready to climax, and then not be able to because of an argument.
There is a part of me that is afraid to look at porn of naked women alone (i.e. without a man present). Even in all of my risk-taking, that is a floodgate I am not willing to peek into. After confessing to wife later, I also told her that I'm still not masturbating to nude women alone, and I won't do so until she gives me permission.
Wife: Err... you mean give you permission to masturbate to sexual thoughts of other women? Oh! You mean like all of my Christian women friends give their husbands permission to masturbate to porn of nude women?
She makes me smile when she's funny like that.
A man and a woman: moaning with pleasure in intimate sexual and emotional embrace.
Turns me on. Big time. Will be me. And my wife. A few more days. I can't wait.
In the meantime, it's another Day 1 today. (Groan.)
Gotta get that Covenant Eyes installed. But I am so unwilling to pay for it.
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