An Anger Brewing, Redux

The previous post here.

My apologies for swearing. I know it hurts some of your sensitive eyes to read ef-words and aitch-words. But I wanted to get my point across. I was feeling anger, and I wanted to write authentically out of that place.

But after some reading, I am starting to think that what I am feeling is not so much anger but... another natural element of my emerging manhood, which I alluded to as "testosterone" in my previous post. I got this revelation thanks to a new online friend who pointed me to Van Den Aardweg's writing.

In the final chapter of his book, The Battle For Normality, Aardweg writes:

...let the homosexual man, when the occasion offers itself, participate in a competitive game like soccer, or baseball and really try to do his best, even if he is anything but a star on the field. And without self-pity; persevere and fight. Some have afterward felt wonderful; a sportsmanlike fight - meaning a victory over the "poor me" self - can make one feel deeply that one is "a man".

That's exactly what I want to do out of this "angry" feeling I have inside: a desire to go out and have a good fight! In ancient times, robe on an armor and go fight a dragon. In today's terms, take up a ball and jostle in the courts. Or maybe even put on some gloves and beat the shit (yeah sorry, ess-word) out of each other--all in good competitive [read: manly] fun.

It's like I don't exactly have a specific someone or something I am angry at. I am just feeling aggressive, and I want to let out my aggression.

Aardweg also wrote this, which is incredibly comforting to me:

Heterosexual feelings come only in the wake of restored feelings of manliness... There should be no 'training' in heterosexuality, however, for that would feed the inferior self-image: 'I have to prove my manliness.'

No need for training in heterosexuality, the feelings seem to just "wake up." This has been my experience exactly!! Brother A's unsexualized yet deeply intimate and fatherly love for me has smashed into bits the huge boulder that blocked my heterosexuality from emerging. Now that the blockage is gone, the natural (yes, NATURAL) tendency for heterosexuality is emerging without my trying.

PRAISE GOD! WOO HOO! PARTY ON... and all that unbridled adolescent male sexual energy.

[I have more thoughts about these and other feelings that I am having as fitting into "unbridled adolescent male sexuality." But I'll blog about it in another post tomorrow.]

An Anger Brewing

There is an anger brewing deep within me.

I don't really understand what it is yet.

Something to do with this change I have been experience. Something to do with anger at homosexuality and gay-advocates. And also anger at all of my years of loss.

I am starting to get sick and tired of people questioning my change experience.

If you don't believe that my experience and what I write is authentic, then get the fuck off my blog. It's that simple!

And where the hell are the people who are supposed to be experiencing change? Why am I the only one experiencing it? Why is it that so many "Ex-Gay" people say that they are still able to be tempted and then they add that "but my temptations don't define who I am?"

What the hell?

If you are a man who is still tempted sexually by another man, then you are homosexual. Don't try to complicate matters.

As for me, that sexual attraction is gone. GONE!

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT!!!

The only thing I have to replace the warm fuzzy orgasms I used to have fantasizing about being made-love to by a strong, handsome, muscular man is... A N G E R.

I don't understand it.

- - -

Wait... it just came to me.

This anger.

I got it.

It's anger at men.

It's anger at not being able to connect with men.

It's anger at years of not being able to be accepted as the man that I am feeling I am now.

The anger says, "Yeah, you want to fight? Okay, I'll show you who's the man around here, you pussy!"

Oh my god.

Is it testosterone?

WTF!

I NEED TO TALK TO OTHER GUYS WHO CAN EXPLAIN WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!!!!


[Note to self: Before this anger came, there was a sense of "emptiness" for several days in place of my SSsA. See this post.]

Wanted: Ex-Men

I feel alone. This change is so unique, I don't really have anyone to talk to, to fellowship with, to exchange notes with.

I want men. Ex-gay men who no longer have homosexual feelings, but now have only heterosexual feelings. Men who can mentor me through this transition as I mutate from Same-Sex sexual Attraction to Other-Sex sexual Attraction.

Mutate. That's exactly what this change feels like. Someone pumped adamantium into my sexuality and turned me into a straight man.














For the past few mornings, I'd wake up with a huge piece of morning wood. Images of women--my wife especially--flood my mind. All I want to do is to hump. Have sex. Not make love. Just have sex.

I am becoming like my other straight male friends, I want sex with women just for the yahyah of it. The need for warm, fuzzy, orgasmic love with a man has retreated into a place I can't seem to access anymore.

I never imagined that such change for good would feel so uncomfortable, so foreign, so isolating.

I need a Xavier.

My Brother's Love

All of this change would not be possible without Brother A's deep, deep love for me.

Brother A, I love you so much I could literally burst!

:-D

Undressing Men (Alternate Title: Everyday-Sized Nuts)

It's commonly said that if a person felt nervous when doing public speaking, he could try to imagine his audience naked.

I never understood that advice. I had always felt that to imagine a bunch of people naked would be more of a turn-on than an anxiety-reliever. Especially if there were good-looking men in the audience.

But I experienced something new today.

Today I undressed three different guys with my eyes. Strip! Strip! Strip! They were completely nude, right down to their willies. Handsome devils, every one of them.

Strangely though, I was not turned on. In fact, I think I did it as a way to turn myself off my attractions to them. (It was a pretty unconscious process. It just happened.)

All three guys had something in common. I wanted to draw close to them. They had a certain look with which I associated strength, masculinity, security, support, comfort, warmth.

By stripping them down completely nude, I exposed them. Seeing them naked in my mind unmasked the myth of "the perfect man" that I had attributed to them. Instead, I saw their boy-souls, tasted their insecurities, smelled their bodily stench, and sensed their own quivering need for male affirmation. Their need for male affirmation.

Male affirmation. God knows every man needs it. Even my almost-perfect Brother A!

Speaking of Brother A, he was, in fact, the first Alpha male who was undressed before me. Come to think of it, he actually undressed himself before me. He took the initiative to expose himself completely to me: physically, emotionally, spiritually. And I, in turn, let him see me too, all of me. First physically, then emotionally and spiritually.

And it has all been good. So good, in fact, that I believe this has been one of the prime factors in my change experience.

So this is my new experience when I see strong, good-looking [read: intimidating] men with whom I want to connect. In 5-Easy-Steps:

1. I strip them naked in my mind.
2. They become fully exposed. Their fantasized god-like phalli shrivel down to realistic everyday-sized nuts, dangling awkwardly. Just like mine!
3. They become, all of a sudden, completely approachable [read: no longer intimidating].
4. My attraction towards them fail to sexualize. (The emotional attraction remains though. But I'm okay with that. Because, as I said, God knows every man needs affirmation from another man.)
5. I feel okay again in and of myself. I am, in essence, just like them.
   

My experience today feels like further development along a thread of experiences I've had before: here [A Definite Shift, 3/25/09] and here [Emotional vs Sexual Attraction, 3/31/09].

That Grossed-out Feeling (alternate title: Brotherly Love)

Tossing and turning in bed. Trouble sleeping.

In the past, I would have fantasized about being sexual with men, leading to masturbation in bed. I'd even hold on to a pillow closely to my chest, pretending it was a warm male body.

I did the same last night--held to a pillow to my chest, that is. But there was an invisible fence.

It was okay to hold on to the pillow, feel the comfort, imagine holding on to a brother in intimate embrace. But once if I even began to sexualize it in my mind, I felt sick. Sick to the stomach. Like I wanted to throw up. Like I had crossed an invisible fence that set off a repulsion within my body.

On the plane a few days ago, I saw someone watching the movie, Milk. I looked and wondered if the guy watching was gay. Suddenly, there was a kiss scene between Sean Penn and some other male actor. The scene faded to black. Then the guy watching shook his head. He turned his head just enough for me to see that unmistakable look in a person's face: disgust.

Brother A gave me that face too when I explained to him once about a sexual male scene when I first met him. At the time, that look felt like an affront to me. I felt rejected. His disgust was not just a disgust over a concept, it was a disgust over me.

Now, I feel that same disgust myself. The thought of making out with another man. The stink, the sweat, the skin-guck of another man upon my body in a sexual way.

I want to throw up.

But...

I still feel that need to connect with my good friends: my Brothers. To share openly, to be vulnerable, to pray for one another, to be hugged (with clothes on, for a long time). I long to know that I am okay. Okay at the very core.

True, holy, vulnerable, brotherly LOVE. That is what I crave.

Homoemotional Heterosexual

More and more, I am hearing from other guys coming out of SSsA that they want to relate with men intimately but not sexually.

I feel the same way.

When I meet men who evoke a sense of secure masculinity, sensitivity, and a caring nature, I feel drawn towards them. I want to let boy-soul out to meet them. Be completely vulnerable. And have them embrace me. Not just emotionally, but physically. I would love to be hugged and touched. Not sexual, but sensual. Physical touch that is not sexual, but deeply emotional, deeply healing.

When I get a good dose of such loving, especially from Brother A, I find myself "recharged" as it were, a deposit of "I am lovable" put into my heart. A deposit that would fuel me to love my wife and kids more, walk with a happier gait, and in essence, become more manly, like the man who loved me.

But I need it, constantly. Like these other men coming out of their SSA, I am desperate for that male affirmation.

If I had Same-Sex Sexual Attracted (SSsA), that sexual attraction has been replaced by Same-Sex Emotional Attracted (SSeA). I wonder how long it will take until this SSeA diminished to the point where I am no longer needing male affirmation so frequently?

It has only been a little over 8 weeks since I first met Brother A in person. 8 weeks of radical man-to-man love from Brother A is certainly not enough to make up for decades of deprivation.

I didn't blog this earlier, but I should note it down. Last week, I masturbated. When I did, fantasies of having sex with women came to mind. A mixture of my wife and other nameless, faceless but gorgeous women. It felt really good. And it felt natural.

Wierd, right? To need male affirmation emotionally, but then want women sexually?

Wierd, but that's what's going on in me. I write it as I experience it.