Wednesday, March 25, 2009

A Definite Shift

The love I have been receiving from Brother is unlike any I have ever experienced. He really is not afraid of me "falling in love" with him. He seems to be completely okay with it on a non-sexual basis, soaking in my fondness for him in a... how can I describe it... an ethereal way. He is not freaked out by me telling him I'm falling in love with him. He just welcomes it. My Brother is, truly, the most non-homophobic straight man I have ever met.

I went back to the gym today after being absent for a while. And I experience something that I can describe as a "definite shift" in my same-sex attraction.

For the first time in my life, I saw men differently. Instead of seeing them as objects of desire that I cannot have, I saw them as boys that I can love. It's a very strange shift. Something I did not expect.

After changing into gym clothes, I walked out and saw a bunch of very good looking guys. I found myself naturally smiling at them (even if they weren't smiling at me first). I liked them and wanted to connect with them. But there was nothing sexual about it. I saw them as boys. All of them, the fatter ones, the more muscular ones, the friendlier ones, the chiseled good-looking ones. They were all just boys, being boys. And they were all worthy of being loved as boys.

I don't know if I can quite make sense out of it yet, so I'm going to elaborate a bit more.

It was like I wanted to connect with them, but on a non-sexual emotional level. It was like I looked at them, and I wished them well. The ones that looked more well-adjusted emotionally (not strutting their wares) looked really fine to me. The ones that were less secure (buffed or unbuffed), I felt a sense of pity for them. I wanted to approach these less secure boys and tell them that they are okay, and that I accept them as they are.

One guy was really buffed. Normally, I would feel a little intimidated by that. Yet because of his slightly hunched gait, his downcast facial expression, and that certain something about his mannerisms, I just felt sorry for him. Sorry that he had to get so grotesquely muscular in order to prove his self-worth. It was amazing. I felt no sense of intimidation, and certainly no sense that he could offer me anything sexually. He was LACKING as a man.

Brother, on the other hand, sits on the highest pedestal of manhood in my eyes. He may not be perfect, he can get a little antsy, and he's certainly not the most confident guy with regard to his own physiology. But he has a heart that is more buffed than the hearts of any man I have ever met (and I have met a lot of people). He is truly, the epitome of a man's man at the very core of his being.

Yet, he loves me. He Loves Me! What can these other gym boys offer me compared to the love Brother gives me?


And so, the whole time I was there, I relished in the most non-sexual gym time I have ever had in all of my life. I looked around at every man in the gym, and I loved them with absolutely no desire to imagine having sex with any of them.

Back in the lockers, I felt completely nonchalant about stripping naked and walking into the showers. I had no worries about comparing myself physically with the other guys in the showers. Sure, I looked at them, but each of them looked like just another guy in the shower. It was incredible. I felt, for the first time in my life, completely confident of my own masculinity, and with no need to prove myself whatsoever!

But then, suddenly as I walked out of the showers towards the lockers, I saw what looked like a viking-god from the back. An incredibly attractive male physique: tanned, golden-haired (all over), buffed, six footer with the perfect body shape from his head all the way down to his feet.

I froze for a second and realized that I was feeling a sexual attraction. "Oh oh..." I kept walking.

As I passed him, I turned around and looked at his face. Immediately, the attraction subsided, just as quickly as it had come.


Because I saw another boy. The face of a sad, down-trodden boy, one who needed major love and affirmation. Sure, he had the perfect body. But I saw through his physique into his heart. It was the size of a shriveled prune.

This "viking-god" was not a man like Brother. He needed to be loved and accepted so that his manhood--like mine--could grow and become full and mature.

This "viking-god" had no true manhood to offer me. I get a thousand times more male-affirmation from Brother than I could ever get from imagining myself having sex with a boy like him.

I lost my interest in looking at male porn when I started to accept Brother's love for me. I did not expect that being loved by Brother could also drastically diminish my sexual attraction towards men -- very good-looking, buffed, attractive men (or so I felt, until now).

I don't know how long this will last. But I'm recording it for posterity.


  1. Great post! I really enjoyed it. What i learned from my locker room expericnces is that the guys were simply a reflection of my own masculinity. I had what they had and they had what i had. I was equal and not inferior. It was amazing to be able to look at a handsome guy and feel good about myself.

  2. my response does not involve locker room experiences, nor having a Brother like you mention or experiencing his love. But, there is a similarity in seeing others as "boys". Whether in "real life" or of images of men, which are pictures of real people too... I have seen a break in eroticizing from a recognition that each male I see is a special creation of God, and each one has a mom and a dad. Each one was a little baby once, hopefully loved and cherished, and that none are objects. All are special men or "boys" created by God and not meant for my fantasizing. And so, when "thoughts" come to mind, I remind myself of this.