Updates

1. WORK

When was my last post? I can't even remember. That's a good sign. I'm getting into my work. I am finding myself making some head-way. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

2. RELATIONSHIPS

I'm also handling a lot of relationship conflicts. These are going well, improving. I'm glad that it's my area of competence and I can do it well, but it is tiring work. Still, it is necessary. Relationship problems don't go away by themselves.

3. BOY-SOUL

Did not connect with Brother A for a couple of weeks. Finally connected. It was good, yet different. I am very aware now of boy-soul within, who comes out whenever he is with Brother A. Pretty needy, still, that boy-soul. I am trying to parent him more myself. He wants to hide within Brother A's embrace, but he also knows that Brother A is very human.

We (me and boy-soul) are allowing ourselves (1) to continue to be very open, tender, and vulnerable with Brother A, and (2) to begin exploring by taking little steps towards the "outside." Boy-soul is scared that if he should come out, he will get bullied. Poor thing.

It's okay, Boy-soul, I'm with you. God is with us. And Brother A is good for keeps.

4. PURITY & PORN

This 90-day fast thing is not working. Last night, I fell to porn again. Not the anxious Boy-soul driven need to sexualize male intimacy, more of a self-pity anger reflex from trying to be intimate with wife on the phone, and having the conversation go sour. Nothing worse than getting all aroused and ready to climax, and then not be able to because of an argument.

There is a part of me that is afraid to look at porn of naked women alone (i.e. without a man present). Even in all of my risk-taking, that is a floodgate I am not willing to peek into. After confessing to wife later, I also told her that I'm still not masturbating to nude women alone, and I won't do so until she gives me permission.

Wife: Err... you mean give you permission to masturbate to sexual thoughts of other women? Oh! You mean like all of my Christian women friends give their husbands permission to masturbate to porn of nude women?

She makes me smile when she's funny like that.

A man and a woman: moaning with pleasure in intimate sexual and emotional embrace.

Turns me on. Big time. Will be me. And my wife. A few more days. I can't wait.

In the meantime, it's another Day 1 today. (Groan.)

Gotta get that Covenant Eyes installed. But I am so unwilling to pay for it.

90-Day Fast Broken & Heterosexual Pornography

On Day 23 (April 28) of my 90-day fast, I succumbed to pornography and masturbation. It happened twice, once during the day, and once during the night.

Here's the post-mortem:

I had not had desire to look at porn since meeting Brother A seven weeks ago. I wanted the real-life intimacy Brother A gave me more than the sexual fantasy I conjured through looking at porn of men. And so, there was no desire to look at gay porn.

I allowed myself to have sex with my wife during this 90-day fast. But traveling away from her over these weeks has been tough (I feel for single men). It had been almost 20 days with no sexual release. Brother A suggested over-the-phone sexual intimacy with my wife. It worked out really well. It even made me call her more often, and it improved our relational intimacy.

But yesterday, while doing some analysis on my project, something happened on the internet that led me to wonder about sex. I kept surfing, looking at images. Before long, I was looking at video clips online. My accountability software has been disabled since it was giving me trouble. The fence was down, and after allowing myself to be sexualized through google images, I was numbed to the boundary and walked over it.

The sites I used to frequent no longer excited me. I found gay porn pretty repulsive. Thoughts that came included, "why would men do this to themselves?" I turned to other sites, and began to look at heterosexual porn. Before long, I found myself hooked.

The images, sounds, feelings were just like me being intimate with my wife. A man and a woman having sex together. I thought of me and my wife. I imagined the sexual energy and excitement the couple felt. I longed for it.

And now, I am afraid.

For the past 7 weeks, I did not look at porn because what I used to look at no longer interested me. Now, I have something that does, and I am afraid that I will become hooked to images of men and women having sex.

I was tempted to look at just women alone, but could not bring myself to do it because it felt like it would violate my loyalty to my wife (I know, it's messed-up reasoning, but that's the way it felt). The last thing I want is to allow myself to fully sexualize my feelings for other women -- already, I had a sexual dream about a woman a few nights ago (I've only had one other such dream in my entire life).

I confessed my sins to my wife and my new-found brothers. I confessed and asked for forgiveness from the Lord for my actions. I am seriously concerned now that I have a "heterosexual problem."

I have always used the argument that my SSsA problem is "no different" than a heterosexual man's problem. I need to work on my SS lust as they need to work on their OS lust. But I argued it based on head-knowledge. Now I know it experientially.

Any difference?

I don't know yet. But I feel like I can go to other Christian men and get support more easily. At least it helps me to feel like I can more easily bond with straight guys because we have the same temptations. There is still a sense of shame, but it feels different, a little more... normal?

Oh, I know what it is. The shame doesn't have that "double-whammy" component to it, i.e. the added shame of it being homosexual porn. (I know sin is sin, but it feels harder to confess to other men that the porn I struggle to overcome is homosexual.)

Anyway, this is all so raw, I am still feeling pretty down-in-the-dumps about it all. [And if someone leaves a discouraging comment, I will delete it.]

I will get back into my fast. No better time to repent (in heart and in action) than right away. And I'll decide by the end of the day what to do about internet accountability software.

Today, April 29, begins again Day 1 of my 90-day fast.

Feeling Weak

I am feeling tired.

I am feeling worn out emotionally from processing about my real-life elder brother (see previous post).

I am feeling stressed that I am not getting enough done on my work deadlines.

Thus...

I am thinking that I should go onto the internet to look at porn. Maybe straight porn--women--and masturbate to these images. Maybe gay porn--have a look, "test" out my healing.

I've been there before though. The dog that returns to its vomit [link]... And yeah, didn't I commit to 90-day fast from porn and masturbation? [link]

Here's what I wanted to do:

• Worship
  
• Connect with guys from the Facebook group
• Call Brother A to talk to him

Here's what I did:

• Listened to a friend's wife sing a beautiful worship song several times over [link]
  
• Hung around Facebook -- no one was around to chat
• Emailed Brother A to say I'd like to talk to him -- he did not respond

Not being able to connect with others, I did the following:

• Read the People Can Change (PCC) website [link]
• Registered to join the PCC online support group [link]
• Read and commented on the PCC blog [link]
• Write this blog post

I am desperately trying not to isolate myself when I am feeling this way. I hope the PCC support group will be helpful. I hope Brother A will have some open time to talk with me.

Right now, I'm tired enough that I can go to sleep. And thankfully, able to say: Today, Friday April 24 is Day 19, no porn, no masturbation.

Update: 90-day Fast

Today, Wed April 22, 2009 is Day 17 -- no porn, no masturbation. [Link]

Continuing to have little to no desire to look at or think of men sexually, and absolutely zero desire to look at gay porn.

Women continue to be increasingly more beautiful and attractive.

Need to begin more regular quiet time. Loving God more with each passing day. He is so amazing!

90-Day Fast from Porn & Masturbation

I was recently invited to join a Facebook group for men dealing with SSA. One of the topics is fasting from porn and masturbation. I decided to join. This is part of what I wrote on the topic:

Today (April 7) is Day 2.

One of the things that I have found challenging in counting abstinence days is the demotivation that comes from falling over and over again. I'd like to encourage us not to give up, and point us to John Piper's excellent article on this entitled "Gutsy Guilt: Don't Let Shame Over Sexual Sin Destroy You" [link]

I am doing this not so much to rack up "day-points," but for the discipline. I am focusing not so much on the number of times I fall, but the changes in the number of days between each fall over time. I have found that the periods of abstinence increases with time, practice, and accountability. The fruit is not so much the number of days abstinent, but the refining of my heart, the renewal of my mind, and the purifying of my relationships. And I want to allow each fall to draw me closer into holy relationship with God and with my fellow brothers.

In additional to personal experience, I like to integrate science and social science with good theology (i.e. not surfacey, literalist approaches to understanding Scripture) to inform my growth into manhood. So I really appreciated reading one of the comments on the Facebook page that talked about emerging evidence from neuroscience research that ∆FosB, a neuropetide associated with stress and reward, is believed to act as a molecular "switch" that maintains addictive behavior (including masturbation and orgasm).

The commenter wrote: "The scary thing is that once ∆FosB is released in the brain, it stays there for AT LEAST A MONTH OR TWO after withdrawal before breaking down. So there's a neurochemical basis for this 90 day thing, or at least a 30 - 60 day fast. It takes at least that long to even begin working on 'breaking the habit' with something of a clean slate."

I am looking forward blogging more about my progress here, under the label: "90-day fast."

Today, April 8, is Day 3.