Thou O Lord

Conversation from the recent past

Wife, awaken in bed: What are you doing up so late?

Me, sighing: I was looking at porn...

Wife: What?

Me: Yeah. I was looking at porn, but nothing. Gay, straight, male, female... nothing. It did nothing for me. (more sighing)

Wife, reaching out to hold my hand: You know, honey, you're desperately looking for something to fill you. Only one thing can do that: God.

Me: ...

Wife: That's what you really want. You want God to fill up the void that's been left open from the healing you've received.

Me: ...

Wife: ...

Me: I always knew there was a reason why God told me to marry you. He wanted to keep me on track with a woman after His own heart.

Then, we prayed.

Tonight

Instead of going to places where fulfillment can no longer be found, I went to God. These words came to me: Thou o Lord, are a shield about me.

I Googled. And found this...

Psalm 3:1-5 (KJV)
1 Lord, how are they increased that trouble me! Many are they that rise up against me.
2 Many there be which say of my soul, there is no help for him in God. Selah.
3 But thou, O LORD, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.
4 I cried unto the LORD with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. Selah.
5 I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the LORD sustained me.

And this...



Tears streamed down my face, my arms lifted high!

How many years has it been Lord that I have believed in the enemy's lie that there is no help for me; that there is no hope for change. I have cried to You for years for healing from these desires. I had lost hope, and clung desperately to obedience alone, because I knew that You desired my obedience more than sacrifice.

I never imagined THIS day would come when I would be completely healed of my homosexual attractions. Indeed, You have been a shield about me. You have heard my cries. You are my glory and the lifter of my head!

Fill me with Your Spirit, Lord Jesus. Teach me how to saturate my being with You until I desire Your presence more than food or drink. Let my soul sing songs of gratitude and praise to You all the days of my life.

I'd Rather Have You

It was your hands that reached across
Enveloping my face
Catching my tears

It was your arms that came around
Embracing me whole
Absorbing my fears

It was your lips that did not hesitate
To kiss me
As a father kisses his son

It was your love that came through a man
That I may know your love
In the real

You're all that my hungering spirit needs
I’d rather have you
And let you lead

©Thirdcultureman

Selah

I will not to blog again until the earliest, Friday, if not later. Next blog: Summary Reflections #2.

In the meantime, Do Not Be Afraid...

Do not be afraid to ask for what you need.
Do not be afraid to fall apart and free.
You just might get what you asked for
and you may find out who you are.

Jesus you are God.
You can do what you want
and you died for all of us.
I think it's crazy, but I'm starting to believe.

Do not be afraid to question your God.
He is not afraid. It's what he wants
for you to grow in knowledge of him,
for you to know that you can trust.

Jesus you are God.
You can do what you want
and you love me.
I think it's crazy, but I'm starting to believe.

...and Peace.

Broken conversations, broken people, we're broken Lord.
Terrified illusions, seeking comfort, we're seeking more.
We need each other more than we need to agree.
Father, Son, Spirit bless us with your love,
with your grace and peace.

Peace.
Let there be peace.

Let us see and not destroy. Let us listen. Let us listen.
Let us suspend judgement for the sake of love, for the sake of love.
We need each other more than we need to agree.
Father, Son, Spirit bless us with your love,
with your grace and peace.

Love.
Let there be love.

[Listen to Do Not Be Afraid and Peace.]

Grief Continued

That same grief is still here. And it hasn't lessened.

Sometimes, it looks up to God; sometimes it longs for a long hug from safe, loving brothers.

It aches the death of something within. Like facing an old, old wound. Rotting flesh, long forgotten.

But I can't turn around or walk away. The truth stares at me with open eyes, sad and compassionate. And I have to stay here, looking right back at it, even if I don't do anything.

When my father died, all that I thought was important faded away. Only the most crucial things remained: people and grace. Make amends. Make peace. Life is short.

That is how I feel now. Nothing is that important. Not even homo vs. hetero sexuality. It is not that important. Love. That's what matters. Just love.

Love and God will move hearts. His hand will reach into places so deep -- desolate, forgotten places. And if we let Him, He will begin to move His hand in that deep place. Ever so slowly and gently. Yet when He does, the churning will be great. And we will never be the same again.

God's hand has moved. The skeletons deep within have been stirred. And the smell of death has resurfaced.

Oh, how it aches.

But I know this: only in death can new life emerge.



All the way my Savior leads me
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His faithful mercies?
Who through life has been my guide
Heavenly peace, divinest comfort
Ere by faith in Him to dwell
For I know whate'er fall me
Jesus doeth all things well

All of the way my Savior leads me
And He cheers each winding path I tread
Gives me strength for every trial
And He feeds me with the living bread
And though my weary steps may falter
And my soul a-thirst may be
Gushing from a rock before me
Though a spirit joy I see

And all the way my Savior leads me
Oh, the fullness of His love
Perfect rest in me is promised
In my Father's house above
When my spirit clothed immortal
Wings it's flight through the realms of the day
This my song through endless ages
Jesus led me all the way

- Rich Mullins

[Note: I noticed a sense of grieving on Wednesday, four days ago. It started the day after I made the decision to fully embrace my change.]

Grief Reflected

I did not expect this change to happen.

I did not expect the emergence of anger to come about.

And I never expected this grief to hit me, so hard.

Yesterday, Brother A asked me to pray. I could not utter the words. Before long, I was a blabbering, sobbing mess. Deep pain.

Today, Bill Bright, founder of Campus Crusade for Christ, prayed a prayer on the radio for his staff members during his final dying days. I started to sob again, tears streaming uncontrollably down my face, my heart wrenching.

I don't understand this grief. So the rest of this post will not make sense. I only want to put down some disconnected thoughts. Perhaps it will come together, later.

When my father died, I went into slow motion. I spoke slowly, smiled slowly, moved slowly. I was numb. Something deep within me also died. But in its place a new freedom birthed: all that we think is important is not so important after all. And for a little while, I appreciated the grass, the trees, the little everyday conversations of everyday people.

Something within me has died. All those years of pain. The travail. How my father travailed and fought to keep his empire going while he battled his illness. And suddenly, it's all over.

Let the empire crumble now. And let the grasses and flowers and trees and little wild creatures grow all around it. Let the name of the empire be forgotten.

It's over. The battle is over.

And I weep.

Years of pain come together, congregating in my chest, and gushing out in heaves through my sobs.

I have nothing left to battle.

And something new has birthed.

When I sob, the pain echoes out of a place of intense thankfulness. How I have travailed over all these years. How I have fought to stay true to my decision not to give in to a homosexual lifestyle. How hard it had been to put on a grown man's face everyday over these years. How tired I am. How good God has been to me all of that time.

Second Timothy Chapter Four Verse Seven.

And now, my crowning glory.

Yet, I am barely able to stand and wear it.

: more sobs :


Brokenness.


How are you doing, boy-soul?
How are YOU doing, champ?
I am tired. So tired.
We know.
We? Who is we?
Me, boy-soul, and all of your other little childhood selves. We, know. And we are all here.
Oh.
We are all here for YOU, champ!

Boy-soul, and all my little childhood selves. They look so tall, so grown up, so masculine, so together. And they are here for me? I don't have to keep up with external appearances to protect them anymore? My inner child(ren) have grown up?


The battle is over. And I sob.

Why did I sob over Bill Bright's prayer?

Because he prayed as a father. Because he prayed over his "sons" in ministry. Because his "sons" were ready to take over the mantle of his ministry. Because he prayed that they will be men of God. MEN of God. And because God wanted you to hear that prayer, and so you did, and you received it, into your heart, oh MAN of God.

"Father, Father, Holy Father. We bow in reverence before Your majesty. We are in awe of Your greatness. When we think of who You are, we realize how little we are, how small in comparison. And yet even when we were yet in our sins, You died for us. You love us. You delight in us. And I thank You that in Your sovereignty, You chose Dennis and Bob to do what they are doing. And You've anointed them and given them favor, and great blessing. And I ask Holy Father, You'll keep them pure. Keep their motives pure, their hearts pure. Their attitudes, their desires, their actions above reproach. That they, Bob and Dennis, will be MEN OF GOD after Your heart. There will be no sin in their lives that will hinder Your working in and through them. That as they speak day after day, to millions of people--and that number, oh gracious God, I pray will increase by the millions--they will be channels of Your love, Your forgiveness, Your grace to the multitudes of earth. I pray for the day their ministry will literally encircle the globe. Where millions upon millions will be drawn closer to You, will love You, and trust You, and obey You because of their influence. Lord Jesus, bless their families... their families and the children's children's children yet unborn. That they may always love You, serve You, trust You, obey You. And that the legacy of these men will go on and on until You return. Blessed Holy Father, thank You once again for these men whom You've chosen, whom You've anointed, whom You've empowered. And may all glory, honor, worship and praise go to You. For we pray it in the name of the One whose name is above every name, the Lord Jesus Christ, Amen."

[Actual interview and prayer can be downloaded here.]

I feel the Lord saying to me: Well done, good, faithful, and broken servant. You are now ready to serve Me.

Anything You want, Lord. I am and have always been Yours. Now more than ever before. Anything You want.

You, Boy-Soul, Are God's Original Masterpiece (A Testimony)

Why this video moved me so much: A short testimony.

I started having same-sex sexual thoughts since I was 7 years old. It was a constant struggle into my teen years because the feelings were so strong, and yet I loved God so much. By age 19, I couldn't take it anymore. If I couldn't stop my homosexual thoughts, then I might as well die. I got severely depressed and I wanted to crawl into a small, dark hole and die in it. For weeks, I woke up every morning crying. Finally, I decided to end it all. But God intervened and brought me a couple of men who counseled me out of ending my life.

That year, I committed my life completely to Jesus, just like the guy in the video (start: 6 mins 55 sec). I considered that I had already died, and that the life I lived from that day onward was totally dedicated to Jesus. I didn't know if God would heal me from homosexuality, but I was willing to live a celibate life in service to Him. The same-sex struggle continued, even into marriage. Still I hung on to my commitment and never gave myself fully over to homosexuality.

Today, More than 20 years later, God has finally healed me of my homosexual desires. There is still some processing that needs to take place before I am more secure with my same-sex emotional attractions, but I know that the sexual attractions are gone.

I am healed. There is no longer any doubt in my mind about it.

Sometimes, it is only when you have reached the other side that you realize how hard it was to cross the river. While you were in the river itself, all you could do was focus on surviving. I had forgotten that I had been struggling for over three decades. I had allowed the struggle to define me: "I am a man who struggle with SSA."

But now, I am starting to see the emergence of God's original masterpiece: the original straight and manly me. So much chiseling has taken place over the years, and I finally see the original shape emerging. I praise Him for it.

I am glad I stayed with the pain. Now, looking from the other side, I can truly say that it was well worth it.

This Change IS Real

The following is a pretty graphic post. If you get easily offended, stop now and don't read any further.

- - -

I did it.

I went online and looked at images of nude men.

This change I've been talking about? It's real. I've given it yet another test, and...

IT'S REAL!!!

The most incredible looking guys still look good. But they don't have anything to offer me.

Their bodies remind of me Brother A's body. I have access to Brother A's body. He'll let me touch him, look at him closely, and after all that, he'll give me the biggest, warmest, most loving hug and kiss on the cheek. For all of my insecurities, he loves me fully, no matter what, like I am his own son.

The mystique of the "perfect-male-other" is gone.

IT'S GONE!

What these images once offered me were "pathways" to deep, emotional connection with men. But now that I have Brother A fully, it seems I don't need these pathways anymore!

In fact, what's really interesting is, I looked at a couple of images of men masturbating and ejaculating. Instead of wanting to be with them, or masturbating them, or having them masturbate me, I saw in these images, straight men desperate to put their penises in a vagina and ejaculate inside a vagina. As a result, it excited me, not to be with them (because I have the same penis and sperm), but it got me excited about having sex with a woman.

Incredible.

(I must confess, however, that I also looked at images of women.

Dangerously seductive. That's all I can say.

I did not dwell on them though, lest I become unfaithful to my wife in my mind when I am next having sex with her.)

Anyway...

I am amazed. I am truly amazed. I thought that it might be too dangerous to "tempt" my change by going to look at sexual images of men. But I'm okay. In fact, when I saw some good-looking erect penises, I thought to myself: "Good for you! A healthy, erect penis. That's what a man is supposed to be like."

In summary, I am not only not tempted sexually, the images move me towards heterosexual thoughts, PLUS I am able to celebrate their maleness, as I identify with them, as part of God's wonderful creation.

What a strange and new revelation!

Here's the last thing I need to do now: fully accept this change, and don't fight it anymore.

Lord Jesus, I thank You for the change that I am experiencing. It has come from You, and it is REAL. I have no more doubts that this is real. If it doesn't stay, so be it, but as far as I know, it is real, and I rejoice and FULLY ACCEPT this change. I have prayed for this since I was 13, and I had given up hope that change would ever come. But it is here, and I embrace it, fully. Make me the new straight man that You want me to be. I want to me molded into Godliness as a man, and allow my adolescent male sexuality to be honed by Your Word and Your ways. Thank you for all of the brothers that You have placed in my life, and especially Brother A. I don't know what You would like me to do with this change, but I am willing to do whatever You desire. Guide me, lead me, show me Your desires. I am, Your servant, Your child, Your man.

Happiness Is

... holding on to your happy big-eyed stuffed turtle while having your father hold on to you and tell you that you are the most important boy in the whole world to him.

... feeling like you are the most beautiful princess in the eyes of your father.

... being woken up by a hunk-like husband with loving caresses and being made-loved to first thing in the morning after a good night's rest.

... being completely raw, vulnerable, and child-like with an elder, winsome Brother, and still be loved by him.

... running for 30 minutes at high speed and feeling completely exhilarated and not exhausted.

... being focused and productive at work, and not having emotional ghosts clawing you for unhealthy attention.

... following in the footsteps of Jesus.

Crying and Masculinity

There is outward masculinity and there is inward masculinity. When I put on outward masculinity without a fully developed sense of inner masculinity, I am only pretending to be a man.

One sign of masculinity I learned as a boy is to be able to withhold from crying.

Question: How do you make a sensitive, highly relational boy not cry?

Answer: Tell him that what he feels at the very core of who he is makes him a useless homo.

In other words, crush and destroy who he really is so that a more masculine and socially-acceptable boy can magically take over.

Today I feel like crying.

It goes against everything I've been conditioned to believe and value. "Boys don't cry" is a shell I have worn for ages. And I've worn it (and other such "masculine attributes") so well that people have trouble believing that I truly struggle with same-sex attraction.

Buyer beware: Empty masculine shell is hollow on the inside and prone to masturbate to sexualized images of other men.

"Boys don't cry?"

That's bullshit. Another piece of bullshit that led me to sexualize my deep need to emotionally relate and feel safe with other men.

Today I cry...

• for Brother A because I see him struggling under his stresses and past hurts.
• for me because I have to be strong for Brother A when I need him so much to be strong for me.
• with relief, realizing that there is this part of me strong enough for even a man like Brother A to feel safe to lean on.
• for all the other SSA men who have sought me out as a source of strength and support.
• remembering that many straight masculine men come to me in real life and cry before me in the safety and confidentiality of my office.

Today, I cry that my boy-soul is finally recognizing that he is one and the same with this strong man on whom so many other men lean.

To An Unknown Brother

Your song has ministered to me in ways that you will never know or understand. At least not here on earth. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for pointing me to the Lord.

I will be strong, and I will take courage in Jesus.

One Picture Can Say So Much

This blog is now open to the world.

Feeling Down

I'm very low on energy.  I don't sleep much at night, and when I am up during the day, I am tired and sleepy all day.

I have work to do, and I am doing it, but slowly.  There is a sense of fear in approaching this work.  So many ghosts.  Can I do this?  Am I man enough?

Had I not installed the accountability software, I would have gone to porn to get my dopamine fix.  Feel-good chemicals for the deprived brain.  But I can't now.  My friend would find out.

I am feeling needy.  Very needy.  And I hate feeling this way.

I am writing this post, hoping that someone will read it.  But will anyone?  I fear that in my need to "let loose and test my change," in my abandon to porn, I might have driven you away.  In my raw honesty, I have disgusted your holy sensibilities.

I don't blame you.  I know that I tend to judge others when things are going well for me.  So, let me not judge you for your silence.  Let me not depend on you for my salvation.

I can depend only on Jesus, who loves me through and through, from the inside out.

Undo

I'm looking through movie trailers, wondering if I should go and watch one.

Just seeing the good-looking people on screen incites some sexual excitement within.  Crazy.  They are not even doing anything, just standing and talking.  Why does it illicit such a response in me?

Neurons.

I've been connecting and creating neural pathways in my brain that associate fantasy with sexuality.  Movies are very fantasy like.  Good-looking folk up close and personal, displaying their deepest emotions on screen for you, like they are in bed with you, sharing with you their hearts.  Worse, the lighting is perfect and so is the soundtrack.  Better than life, actually.  But not life.  Just fantasy.

I have a friend (also ssa struggler) who stays away from anything tempting.  He doesn't ever go to the beach anymore because it is a place of temptation for him.  Another can never step into a shopping mall.  Because of his advice, I stopped using the gym showers.  So, now that I am having a sexual feeling from watching movie trailers, should I also avoid ever going to the cinema, even for a PG-13 movie?

I don't think it is realistic.  The issue is a matter of the heart.  Perhaps abstinence for a temporary period would be a good thing.  But if the world--which is highly sexualized--is a problem for me, should I avoid it completely?  Or should I be healed within so that I can be in the world even though I am not of it?

I will decide to go and watch this movie if I feel that the time spent will be better for my soul, which includes some "me-time."  I enjoy watching a meaningful movie that lets me think about life more deeply.  If it sets off a "cycle" for me, then I will deal with it here, on this sanctified blog.  I will write about it, process it, and watch the cycle pass over.

In the meantime, I feel like a cow that has not been milked for weeks.  The last time I went without sex for a while, I had a wet-dream.  It was a relief, but it was also disturbing because the sex came into my mind in technicolor, 3D, and with all the physical sensations.  But at least, I did not need to blame myself for it.  That helped me to keep my spiritual integrity.

The wife continues to be in trauma mode.  And I... all I can do is walk with Jesus, one step at a time.

Turn me around, pick me up, undo what I've become

Bring me back to the place of forgiveness and grace

I need You, need Your help, I can't do this myself

You're the only one who can undo what I've become