Saturday, May 23, 2009

Grief Continued

That same grief is still here. And it hasn't lessened.

Sometimes, it looks up to God; sometimes it longs for a long hug from safe, loving brothers.

It aches the death of something within. Like facing an old, old wound. Rotting flesh, long forgotten.

But I can't turn around or walk away. The truth stares at me with open eyes, sad and compassionate. And I have to stay here, looking right back at it, even if I don't do anything.

When my father died, all that I thought was important faded away. Only the most crucial things remained: people and grace. Make amends. Make peace. Life is short.

That is how I feel now. Nothing is that important. Not even homo vs. hetero sexuality. It is not that important. Love. That's what matters. Just love.

Love and God will move hearts. His hand will reach into places so deep -- desolate, forgotten places. And if we let Him, He will begin to move His hand in that deep place. Ever so slowly and gently. Yet when He does, the churning will be great. And we will never be the same again.

God's hand has moved. The skeletons deep within have been stirred. And the smell of death has resurfaced.

Oh, how it aches.

But I know this: only in death can new life emerge.

All the way my Savior leads me
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His faithful mercies?
Who through life has been my guide
Heavenly peace, divinest comfort
Ere by faith in Him to dwell
For I know whate'er fall me
Jesus doeth all things well

All of the way my Savior leads me
And He cheers each winding path I tread
Gives me strength for every trial
And He feeds me with the living bread
And though my weary steps may falter
And my soul a-thirst may be
Gushing from a rock before me
Though a spirit joy I see

And all the way my Savior leads me
Oh, the fullness of His love
Perfect rest in me is promised
In my Father's house above
When my spirit clothed immortal
Wings it's flight through the realms of the day
This my song through endless ages
Jesus led me all the way

- Rich Mullins

[Note: I noticed a sense of grieving on Wednesday, four days ago. It started the day after I made the decision to fully embrace my change.]


  1. Thanks for sharing this with us. It appears that God is indeed doing something significant in your heart. Grief is difficult but mustn't be avoided. Shed all the tears that need to be shed -- they are leaving you strong and clean.

  2. Crying to leave me strong and clean. Can't help but think of the Mr. Clean ads. Squeeky. I like it! Thanks for the encouragement Coach.