Finally connected with Brother A. We talked for a long time, and prayed at the end with open eyes, peering deep into each others' souls as we connected with our Father God.
Boy-soul was not very willing to come out at first. Angry. Hurt. Not willing to trust Brother A after the long time of felt distance. (You know, that whole defensive detachment thing.)
Brother A reached in, kept at it, pushing at times, pulling back at times. He let boy-soul talk. Air his frustrations, his insecurities, his hurt, and his deep need to be reassured.
Boy-soul softened after a while
Hooray Brother A -- you did it!
(That was my Adult-self talking.)
(Don't worry, this is not multiple personalities. Just metaphors.)
Boy-soul let Brother A in again. In to that soft, vulnerable place to which only God has access. Boy-soul needed it so much. We needed it so much.
And now, despite all the tiredness, all the helping-other-people's-problems, we are feeling good again. I am feeling good again.
Brother A loves me. I needed to know that. I needed to feel that. And now that I do, everything is okay again.
Not porn, not sex. Like a young boy desperate for the love and attention of his father, what I needed was love from a man I respect and with whom I can feel completely safe and vulnerable.
Brother A, we love you. All of us: boy-soul, adult-self, professional-self, caregiver-self, and most of all, brother-self.
Now, I am ready to go watch Star Trek.