This Feeling-Down Feeling

In the past, this "feeling-down" feeling that I am feeling now would have led to homosexual thinking or activity of some kind. (I know I used the word "feeling" three times in a row. I'm feeling down, okay? Cut me some slack.)

In the midst of my downness, that wanting-to-sexualize-men feeling came pretty strongly.

But I didn't.

I don't want to go back to that vomit.

This pang of pain in my chest is a loneliness to be accepted by other men. To be affirmed, to be encouraged, to be okay in the eyes of other men. Not to trade bodily juices with them.

And so, I sit, writing, waving my little "This Feeling-Down Feeling" banner, and talk to boy-soul.


How are you doing, boy-soul?

I am sad.

Why are you sad?

I don't know.

Are you feeling lonely?

Yes.

I remember that feeling, when we were younger.

Yeah.

Sitting on the swing, elder brother had just rallied a whole bunch of cousins against us because we were fat and ugly.

Yeah.

Or at least, he made us all believe that.

Yeah.

But we're not fat or ugly.

No?

No, we're not. We're fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God.

We are?

Uh-huh.

...

Brother A thinks we're very good-looking. Remember how he always calls us "stud?"

smile

You know what?

What?

I think Brother A's opinion is a lot better than that of a mentally-ill 12-year old brother.

Yeah.

Yeah.


And so, with boy-soul's hand in mine, we get up and start to walk again in our journey towards manhood. And I whisper into boy-soul's ear. "Tonight, we're going to have a good time with the wife in bed. It'll be fun!"

: sunset scene :

That In-Between Feeling: Damn You!

It comes at the end of a busy period. Sometimes at the end of a busy day. And it seems to precede a time of lull.

Busy!--Busy!--Busy!--(-----)--Lull.

It has a voice and a message. It says,

I am tired.
I am worthless.
Nobody loves me.
There is no future.

The mind, the will, they know what to do: Take a shower. Read a Psalm. Pray. Go to sleep.

The body, the emotions, get more attention: The devil beating them up, taunting, bullying, jeering, pushing the mind, the will, into the background.

- - -

Saw Brother A for a few minutes. He asked me how I was doing. I knew he had to go. I knew I was not feeling the best.

When you feel bad and the person you need most to talk to shows up and then has no time for you... you feel like ramming your head against the wall.

I let him go without going into how crappy I felt.

Last night, it was my wife. Tonight, it was Brother A.

Last night, I fell to porn. Tonight, I will beat up the devil who is trying to beat up my body and my emotions. I will say, "you've been damned to hell!"

And I will go take a shower. Have a glass of wine. Listen to something soothing. Do some lectio divina. And go to sleep.

Sexual Intimacy Over The Phone

Brother A suggested that being sexual with one's wife over the phone is a good thing. He added that for him, it is a way to connect with his wife.

It was awkward at first. We'd never done anything like that before.

In the end, it worked out.

And it was sweet.

Very sweet.

Not the same as solo masturbation at all.

Not even close.

It's all in the connecting.

Amazing.

Brother A comes through again.

His love for me deepens my love for my wife.

Overcoming The Urge To Sexualize My Anxiety

Deadlines create anxiety for me: the fear of failure, I am not good enough. I medicate those feelings through sex. For me that has meant pornography and masturbation. I wrestled strongly with this anxiety over my deadlines as well as the urge to masturbate yesterday and today. And I've experienced victory.

Factors contributing to my victory today:

• Chatting with a fellow SSsA-struggler online
• Making the resolve to stick to my 90-day fast
• Being open and vulnerable here on my blog even if I can't do so in person with trusted Brothers
• Going to a public place to work, where I can see people and don't feel so lonely
• Giving myself short doable goals (short increments of paced-out work) so that I am not overwhelmed by the enormity of the task at hand
• Reminding myself that my anxious feelings and my genital aches (from having no sexual release of any kind for over 2 weeks) don't have to be associated
• Giving myself a break after a good chunk of many "short doable goals" accomplished -- like blogging now

I noticed that my sense of accomplishment has increased, and I am looking forward to continuing to work on my tasks. The desire to sexually medicate my anxiety is over. I still have the genital ache from no sexual release, but it's more physiological than emotional. I'll likely have a wet-dream one of these days, and that will take care of it. God's made my body to cope with the physiological needs that way.

I also noticed that I have been scanning women and thinking of them sexually--their beautiful bodies like delicious desserts. I wondered what was going on with my sexual attraction to men, and so I "tested" it. I found that it took about 10 seconds of "mental work" (i.e. forcing myself to look at and think of a man sexually) before any sexual arousal would emerge. And even after that, I felt a little grossed out at myself for doing it. With the women, it was pretty much automatic, and if I weren't Christian or married, I think I might have pursued a couple and propositioned them for sex. Oh man, here comes another beautiful one...

Feeling Weak

I am feeling tired.

I am feeling worn out emotionally from processing about my real-life elder brother (see previous post).

I am feeling stressed that I am not getting enough done on my work deadlines.

Thus...

I am thinking that I should go onto the internet to look at porn. Maybe straight porn--women--and masturbate to these images. Maybe gay porn--have a look, "test" out my healing.

I've been there before though. The dog that returns to its vomit [link]... And yeah, didn't I commit to 90-day fast from porn and masturbation? [link]

Here's what I wanted to do:

• Worship
  
• Connect with guys from the Facebook group
• Call Brother A to talk to him

Here's what I did:

• Listened to a friend's wife sing a beautiful worship song several times over [link]
  
• Hung around Facebook -- no one was around to chat
• Emailed Brother A to say I'd like to talk to him -- he did not respond

Not being able to connect with others, I did the following:

• Read the People Can Change (PCC) website [link]
• Registered to join the PCC online support group [link]
• Read and commented on the PCC blog [link]
• Write this blog post

I am desperately trying not to isolate myself when I am feeling this way. I hope the PCC support group will be helpful. I hope Brother A will have some open time to talk with me.

Right now, I'm tired enough that I can go to sleep. And thankfully, able to say: Today, Friday April 24 is Day 19, no porn, no masturbation.

Isolation Is Not Good For Healing

I am feeling a sense of withdrawal.  In the past, it would have been clear what I wanted: to go look at porn of men.  Straight men, mostly.  But today, I am not sure what I am feeling a withdrawal from.

I guess I am feeling like I need to talk to someone.  A straight male friend who is capable of connecting intimately.

I am feeling isolated.  That's what it is.

And it has something to do with work stress.  I need to get going on a project and I am feeling a little nervous about it.

My typical pattern has been: I feel insecure/inept, I want to go look at porn and/or masturbate, then I feel better and I get to work.  The same pattern I've had before, but with a difference today.

Instead of wanting to go to porn and masturbating, I have an internal desire to just connect intimately with my brothers.  Tell them how I am feeling.  Allow myself to be vulnerable.  Have them pray for me.

(There is a new brother in my life.  I will call him brother B, and my "first" Brother that I've been blogging about, I will call Brother A.  And tomorrow, I will meet up with one of my accountability partners and see if I can also connect with him intimately.  If so, that will be three straight male friends that I can be authentic and vulnerable with.)

Anyway, Brother A and brother B are probably busy right now.  So, I'm resorting to this quick post to get my feelings out.  The last thing I want to do is to stuff this feeling down, and then let it rear its ugly head through porn and masturbation.

I miss Brother A.  I miss his smile, his presence, his warmth, and his love.  I miss his non-sexual yet intimate and Godly brotherly love.  A love that makes me feel whole.

Misery Seeks Isolation & Pornography

The past three weeks had been good. Good until today.

For the first time in a week, I thought about looking at porn.

(Thought about. Isn't that incredible? I had not desired porn for a single instant in a whole week!)

But it's here. The desire is back and can be fanned into flame.

The wife. Still going through trauma counseling for her past. Can't seem to get a grip on herself, and so she clings reactively. When she is sad about herself, I can handle it. When she gets anxious and controlling of me, it's like cat claws ripping into my skin. I growl! Show my teeth. She backs off. For a bit.

Home is supposed to be a safe place. So why does it feel like I've left weeks in paradise to come back to hell? At first, it was pure relational bliss; now, it's a field of anxious, controlling energy.

The best thing to do is to go and comfort her. Be gentle. Be loving. Be patient.

But I am so damn tired. And empty. I can't keep giving out of an empty well.

I don't even want Brother right now. In my state of misery, I feel like I just can't rely on anyone. Isolation into pornography feels like the safest option.

I'm going to sleep. In the basement. By myself. Maybe things might get better tomorrow. Maybe.

Feeling Down

I'm very low on energy.  I don't sleep much at night, and when I am up during the day, I am tired and sleepy all day.

I have work to do, and I am doing it, but slowly.  There is a sense of fear in approaching this work.  So many ghosts.  Can I do this?  Am I man enough?

Had I not installed the accountability software, I would have gone to porn to get my dopamine fix.  Feel-good chemicals for the deprived brain.  But I can't now.  My friend would find out.

I am feeling needy.  Very needy.  And I hate feeling this way.

I am writing this post, hoping that someone will read it.  But will anyone?  I fear that in my need to "let loose and test my change," in my abandon to porn, I might have driven you away.  In my raw honesty, I have disgusted your holy sensibilities.

I don't blame you.  I know that I tend to judge others when things are going well for me.  So, let me not judge you for your silence.  Let me not depend on you for my salvation.

I can depend only on Jesus, who loves me through and through, from the inside out.

Undo

I'm looking through movie trailers, wondering if I should go and watch one.

Just seeing the good-looking people on screen incites some sexual excitement within.  Crazy.  They are not even doing anything, just standing and talking.  Why does it illicit such a response in me?

Neurons.

I've been connecting and creating neural pathways in my brain that associate fantasy with sexuality.  Movies are very fantasy like.  Good-looking folk up close and personal, displaying their deepest emotions on screen for you, like they are in bed with you, sharing with you their hearts.  Worse, the lighting is perfect and so is the soundtrack.  Better than life, actually.  But not life.  Just fantasy.

I have a friend (also ssa struggler) who stays away from anything tempting.  He doesn't ever go to the beach anymore because it is a place of temptation for him.  Another can never step into a shopping mall.  Because of his advice, I stopped using the gym showers.  So, now that I am having a sexual feeling from watching movie trailers, should I also avoid ever going to the cinema, even for a PG-13 movie?

I don't think it is realistic.  The issue is a matter of the heart.  Perhaps abstinence for a temporary period would be a good thing.  But if the world--which is highly sexualized--is a problem for me, should I avoid it completely?  Or should I be healed within so that I can be in the world even though I am not of it?

I will decide to go and watch this movie if I feel that the time spent will be better for my soul, which includes some "me-time."  I enjoy watching a meaningful movie that lets me think about life more deeply.  If it sets off a "cycle" for me, then I will deal with it here, on this sanctified blog.  I will write about it, process it, and watch the cycle pass over.

In the meantime, I feel like a cow that has not been milked for weeks.  The last time I went without sex for a while, I had a wet-dream.  It was a relief, but it was also disturbing because the sex came into my mind in technicolor, 3D, and with all the physical sensations.  But at least, I did not need to blame myself for it.  That helped me to keep my spiritual integrity.

The wife continues to be in trauma mode.  And I... all I can do is walk with Jesus, one step at a time.

Turn me around, pick me up, undo what I've become

Bring me back to the place of forgiveness and grace

I need You, need Your help, I can't do this myself

You're the only one who can undo what I've become

My Acceptable Fast

My loins are aching, my heart is aching.  It has been a week since I last had any sexual release.  The lesser temptation is to succumb to internet pornography.  Or perhaps masturbation without pornography.  The greater temptation is to ignore my feelings and go and do work.  I know if I gave in to the greater temptation, my need for a sexual release will come back to bite me, hard.  Why? Because if I just ignore it, I am going into isolation.  Not calling out for help when I need it.

And I do need it.

My wife does not want to have sex with me.  Anything remotely sexual will set off past trauma.  Even in her dreams she is being traumatized.  Today, she tells me that she is feeling sick, so sick she could not read to the kids.  I sent her off to bed with a hug, and an empty feeling.  No, not "no feelings," but a feeling of "empty."  Like a eunuch, with his manhood cut off.

The last time I was very sober (or pure, or not acting out — there never seems to be a good word for it), I remember that I had forgotten what my sexual organ looked or felt like.  I went for months without masturbating or paying any attention to it other than to wash or to urinate.  It was a wierd feeling, not to be intimate with your friend down there when you have known him so well–sometimes several times a day–for so many decades.  But what I was able to do in my purity (I’ll use the terms interchangeably) was turn to God.  I was able to pray on command with no sense of guilt or remorse.  And it was rewarding to be able to do that because I was regularly helping other guys with their own walk in sexual purity.

I don’t have regular sexual purity groups to run.  Have not in over half a year now.  The result of which is that my journey in purity feels empty, purposeless.

But I know it’s not purposeless.  It is better to be pure than to allow lust to control my life.  God WILL bring people into my life whom I am called to help.  I need to trust that this journey I make has a greater purpose than just to suffer and to know His suffering; that it has some practical value.  Hmm.  Actually, sexual purity does have practical value even if I am not running a sexual purity group.  I am a more ready and armed servant of God.  I am useful in His kingdom on command, without feeling like I need to first repent and get right with God.

I need to pray more.  Turn my physical and emotion aches into prayer to God.  Draw close to Him.  Consider this my "acceptable fast."