Sunday, March 22, 2009

Misery Seeks Isolation & Pornography

The past three weeks had been good. Good until today.

For the first time in a week, I thought about looking at porn.

(Thought about. Isn't that incredible? I had not desired porn for a single instant in a whole week!)

But it's here. The desire is back and can be fanned into flame.

The wife. Still going through trauma counseling for her past. Can't seem to get a grip on herself, and so she clings reactively. When she is sad about herself, I can handle it. When she gets anxious and controlling of me, it's like cat claws ripping into my skin. I growl! Show my teeth. She backs off. For a bit.

Home is supposed to be a safe place. So why does it feel like I've left weeks in paradise to come back to hell? At first, it was pure relational bliss; now, it's a field of anxious, controlling energy.

The best thing to do is to go and comfort her. Be gentle. Be loving. Be patient.

But I am so damn tired. And empty. I can't keep giving out of an empty well.

I don't even want Brother right now. In my state of misery, I feel like I just can't rely on anyone. Isolation into pornography feels like the safest option.

I'm going to sleep. In the basement. By myself. Maybe things might get better tomorrow. Maybe.

1 comment:

  1. I will pray for your wife and for you. "Through good times and bad times." Just love and nurture your wife to the best of your ability. Take time for yourself when needed.