Saturday, March 21, 2009

A Deficit of Male Love

It seems that I am not alone.

Scouring through the blogosphere, I found some other men (1, 2) writing about their attachments to straight male friends in uncannily similar ways to what I am experiencing with my straight male friend Brother.

In the past, I would have shrugged off such writings and even avoided such people. "Too gay."

I was in denial. I thought I was different, more straight. But what I did was replace real male intimacy with sexual fantasies and male pornography. Which explains why I could never really kick the porn habit for very long. Like these SSA strugglers, I desperately need love from other men. As one of the authors wrote in the above link, I too, have a deficit of male love in my life.

Sex with my wife was absolutely amazing this week. No pretense, no fantasies. We were passionate, intimate, and experienced a deep vulnerable oneness with each other as we climaxed.

But I still miss Brother.

In some ways, the feeling I have for Brother is not very different from the feeling of deep intimacy I had for my wife that night. I told her about it, and added that there is a slight difference: this longing for a male attachment is something that she could never fulfill for me. Only men can do this.

When I looked at pornography, I would feel coldly distant from my wife. Makes sense. After all, I was "unfaithful" to her by having mental sex with a fantasized image. However, my love and longing for Brother doesn't change my deep love for my wife.

Strange, isn't it?

It is as if a guy can love his guy friend and his wife just as deeply, and there is no conflict. The two loves are mutually independent of one another. (Unless the guy has sex with his guy friend.)

Brother says he loves me a lot. I believe him (I want to). So far, he's always been there for me when he can. And he has always been genuine when he shows up. But he doesn't love me "as much" as I love him. He can't. His attachment to me, while deep, has no bridge to his sexual feelings. Mine does. But healing can only come if I accept his love, not reject it out of fear of my own sexual feelings.

So I cast aside the sexual impulse, careful not to throw the baby out with the bath water, as I allow myself to be engulfed in the warm love of his acceptance.

Come, come with me
Strip down, it's easy
See? All around you
Everyone--the same

Come, wash with me
No one looks
Let's get clean
And join the others

Come, let us soak
And man-talk
Fathers, sons, brothers, friends
Together, all men

Yes, together, all men
Them, me, and you

I miss my Brother so much. I have never felt this whole in all of my life until I allowed myself to become vulnerable to his love. He is, truly, God's love in the real for me. And I am, simply, addicted to that right now.

Allow me to relish. It's good for me.

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