Wednesday, March 18, 2009

What I Need Is Relational

I have this pattern: when I feel weak and unsure of myself, I go to porn. When my self-esteem is low or I feel nervous about my work, I get a fix by searching out just the right porn clip to masturbate to.

More recently, in moments of weakness and vulnerability, I have found myself missing my straight-male friend brother instead. I no longer want pornography. I want my brother. To talk to him. To enjoy his company. To feel his love for me. To hear him tell me that I am okay in his eyes.

I have become attached to my brother.

This shift tells me that my problem, overwhelmingly, is not sexual but relational. What I need is some deep, intense loving from a male-figure in the real to make up for the years of deficit in male attachments.

That's my grown-up brain talking; offering a cognitive solution to my condition.

My boy-heart?

It just cries. Cries for a father who will love me, hold me, and tell me that he is proud I am his son, over and over and over... until I feel okay.

I can't expect my brother to do this for me. He has his own family, his own busyness. I must find myself more brothers like him. There must be more like him. There must be...

Lord, please bring them to me.


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