This Feeling-Down Feeling

In the past, this "feeling-down" feeling that I am feeling now would have led to homosexual thinking or activity of some kind. (I know I used the word "feeling" three times in a row. I'm feeling down, okay? Cut me some slack.)

In the midst of my downness, that wanting-to-sexualize-men feeling came pretty strongly.

But I didn't.

I don't want to go back to that vomit.

This pang of pain in my chest is a loneliness to be accepted by other men. To be affirmed, to be encouraged, to be okay in the eyes of other men. Not to trade bodily juices with them.

And so, I sit, writing, waving my little "This Feeling-Down Feeling" banner, and talk to boy-soul.


How are you doing, boy-soul?

I am sad.

Why are you sad?

I don't know.

Are you feeling lonely?

Yes.

I remember that feeling, when we were younger.

Yeah.

Sitting on the swing, elder brother had just rallied a whole bunch of cousins against us because we were fat and ugly.

Yeah.

Or at least, he made us all believe that.

Yeah.

But we're not fat or ugly.

No?

No, we're not. We're fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God.

We are?

Uh-huh.

...

Brother A thinks we're very good-looking. Remember how he always calls us "stud?"

smile

You know what?

What?

I think Brother A's opinion is a lot better than that of a mentally-ill 12-year old brother.

Yeah.

Yeah.


And so, with boy-soul's hand in mine, we get up and start to walk again in our journey towards manhood. And I whisper into boy-soul's ear. "Tonight, we're going to have a good time with the wife in bed. It'll be fun!"

: sunset scene :

Wanted: Ex-Men

I feel alone. This change is so unique, I don't really have anyone to talk to, to fellowship with, to exchange notes with.

I want men. Ex-gay men who no longer have homosexual feelings, but now have only heterosexual feelings. Men who can mentor me through this transition as I mutate from Same-Sex sexual Attraction to Other-Sex sexual Attraction.

Mutate. That's exactly what this change feels like. Someone pumped adamantium into my sexuality and turned me into a straight man.














For the past few mornings, I'd wake up with a huge piece of morning wood. Images of women--my wife especially--flood my mind. All I want to do is to hump. Have sex. Not make love. Just have sex.

I am becoming like my other straight male friends, I want sex with women just for the yahyah of it. The need for warm, fuzzy, orgasmic love with a man has retreated into a place I can't seem to access anymore.

I never imagined that such change for good would feel so uncomfortable, so foreign, so isolating.

I need a Xavier.

Overcoming The Urge To Sexualize My Anxiety

Deadlines create anxiety for me: the fear of failure, I am not good enough. I medicate those feelings through sex. For me that has meant pornography and masturbation. I wrestled strongly with this anxiety over my deadlines as well as the urge to masturbate yesterday and today. And I've experienced victory.

Factors contributing to my victory today:

• Chatting with a fellow SSsA-struggler online
• Making the resolve to stick to my 90-day fast
• Being open and vulnerable here on my blog even if I can't do so in person with trusted Brothers
• Going to a public place to work, where I can see people and don't feel so lonely
• Giving myself short doable goals (short increments of paced-out work) so that I am not overwhelmed by the enormity of the task at hand
• Reminding myself that my anxious feelings and my genital aches (from having no sexual release of any kind for over 2 weeks) don't have to be associated
• Giving myself a break after a good chunk of many "short doable goals" accomplished -- like blogging now

I noticed that my sense of accomplishment has increased, and I am looking forward to continuing to work on my tasks. The desire to sexually medicate my anxiety is over. I still have the genital ache from no sexual release, but it's more physiological than emotional. I'll likely have a wet-dream one of these days, and that will take care of it. God's made my body to cope with the physiological needs that way.

I also noticed that I have been scanning women and thinking of them sexually--their beautiful bodies like delicious desserts. I wondered what was going on with my sexual attraction to men, and so I "tested" it. I found that it took about 10 seconds of "mental work" (i.e. forcing myself to look at and think of a man sexually) before any sexual arousal would emerge. And even after that, I felt a little grossed out at myself for doing it. With the women, it was pretty much automatic, and if I weren't Christian or married, I think I might have pursued a couple and propositioned them for sex. Oh man, here comes another beautiful one...

Feeling Weak

I am feeling tired.

I am feeling worn out emotionally from processing about my real-life elder brother (see previous post).

I am feeling stressed that I am not getting enough done on my work deadlines.

Thus...

I am thinking that I should go onto the internet to look at porn. Maybe straight porn--women--and masturbate to these images. Maybe gay porn--have a look, "test" out my healing.

I've been there before though. The dog that returns to its vomit [link]... And yeah, didn't I commit to 90-day fast from porn and masturbation? [link]

Here's what I wanted to do:

• Worship
  
• Connect with guys from the Facebook group
• Call Brother A to talk to him

Here's what I did:

• Listened to a friend's wife sing a beautiful worship song several times over [link]
  
• Hung around Facebook -- no one was around to chat
• Emailed Brother A to say I'd like to talk to him -- he did not respond

Not being able to connect with others, I did the following:

• Read the People Can Change (PCC) website [link]
• Registered to join the PCC online support group [link]
• Read and commented on the PCC blog [link]
• Write this blog post

I am desperately trying not to isolate myself when I am feeling this way. I hope the PCC support group will be helpful. I hope Brother A will have some open time to talk with me.

Right now, I'm tired enough that I can go to sleep. And thankfully, able to say: Today, Friday April 24 is Day 19, no porn, no masturbation.

Moving On: The Next Steps

For the past week, I have been caught in an emotional frenzy like I had not experienced before. An attachment of mostly make-belief. Perceptions.

The attachment is not real, like a door or a shoe. It's all in my head. Just neurons and chemicals. I do not need to let it continue to rule my emotions the way it has, even though the experience has been beneficial. I believe I have learned the lessons that God wanted me to learn.

One. I have a deficit of healthy male-attachments since childhood. It has made me shield myself off from being vulnerable and real with men. When stressed, I isolate and look to porn for comfort. I need to stop that.

Two. I have attached myself to someone who had only committed himself to keep me accountable from porn for a limited time. He never asked to be an attachment figure. I am making him out to be a whole lot more than who he agreed to be with me. I need to stop that.

Three. I look like a man. I smell like a man. I make love to a woman like a man. And I even garner deep respect from many men. I am already healed. Now, I need to walk in my full manhood: honest, vulnerable, strong, and above-all, Spirit-filled. I need to start that.

Moving on.

-----

Today, I called one accountability partner to have lunch with him. Rather than to get frustrated with him given his simple pat answers, I will allow my heart to be soft towards his caring (because he does care) and be vulnerable. If he freaks out, then I'll know it's time to find myself a different brother, one who is indeed called to walk with me.

Tomorrow, I will call another accountability partner. I'll tell him how I felt hurt by his abandonment when I needed him most--how he said he would follow up with me, but then failed to do so. I will tell him what I need in that relationship and ask if he can do it. If he can't, then I'll thank and keep him as my internet-accountability partner, but find myself another brother with whom I can walk much more closely, one who will not abandon me.

Tonight, I found some resources online. I will begin to spend my free time reading all I can about complete healing of my SSA. It's time to put my analytical brain to the task. Scary!

-----

Resources:

- In His Fullness. Their resources section has a list of recommended readings, including movies.

- Exodus International's Library for prevention and recovery from homosexuality.

Feeling Down

I'm very low on energy.  I don't sleep much at night, and when I am up during the day, I am tired and sleepy all day.

I have work to do, and I am doing it, but slowly.  There is a sense of fear in approaching this work.  So many ghosts.  Can I do this?  Am I man enough?

Had I not installed the accountability software, I would have gone to porn to get my dopamine fix.  Feel-good chemicals for the deprived brain.  But I can't now.  My friend would find out.

I am feeling needy.  Very needy.  And I hate feeling this way.

I am writing this post, hoping that someone will read it.  But will anyone?  I fear that in my need to "let loose and test my change," in my abandon to porn, I might have driven you away.  In my raw honesty, I have disgusted your holy sensibilities.

I don't blame you.  I know that I tend to judge others when things are going well for me.  So, let me not judge you for your silence.  Let me not depend on you for my salvation.

I can depend only on Jesus, who loves me through and through, from the inside out.

When I Don't Write

A long day of work today.  I started my day by writing in this blog.  I wrote because I was wanting to masturbate--some kind of anxiety surrounding work.  Writing helped.

At the end of my work day, I felt good about having been productive, but I also felt down.  At that point, I should have blogged again, but I thought I would not write so much and create more burdens for my readers.  And that's when I fell.

Triple X Watch has some loopholes.  For instance, it doesn't catch when I look at sexual images on Wikipedia.

Oops.  Too late, another secret out.

I fell in terms of succumbing to Wikipedia images.  But not to masturbation.  Those images are pretty benign compared to the other stuff I used to look at.  But still, I fell.  Or maybe "almost fell" because my bottom line is masturbation.

I moved on to other things, caught up on my blog subscriptions.  That helped.

But at the end of that, I felt down again.  Empty.  I still wanted to masturbate.  

The wife is not available to me, and I am still weary of going close to her.  At any time, she might react again and hurt me more.  It helped that she apologized today and tried to make up for it.  It showed that I am not insane to think that she is an emotional wreck.  But it doesn't make relating with her any easier.

It's 2 a.m.  I need to sleep so that I can wake up on time to exercise.  But I felt I needed to write, to process.  Because when I don't write, I seem to fall.

Question is: Are you reading?  And is this too much?

Cracks in the Mannequin

Last Monday night, I spent about 3 hours on the internet looking at pornography.  I did not disable my accountability software.  And I knew I would be "caught" when the report came.  But I didn't care.  Then again, maybe I should say I did care because a part of me knew that the shame the report would bring on me would cause me to stop.

That shame came tonight.  My wound is now open for my accountability partner to see. The presentable mannequin that I pass off as me on the outside has cracks all over it.  And they have become gapingly visible.  Yet if one were to look closely, beneath the cracks, past the rotting blood and puss, there is a glimpse of flesh.  There is hope.

According to the recent post on Covenant Eyes' blog, Christian musicians are speaking out to those who are tempted by porn.  Rush of Fools, Casting Crowns, Kirk Franklin, and others are singing openly about their own failures.  And their songs minister to me: I am not alone.

Their message is clear.  We need to stop hiding.  We need to be open, real, vulnerable, as Rick below shares.

Can I be completely vulnerable, or will I let the cracks seal up and I retreat behind the flawless exterior of my mannequin self?

That depends on me for the most part.  But it also depends on you, my accountability brothers.

Do you have what it takes to reach in through the cracks of mannequin exterior, dirty your hands with the blood and puss in order to touch the flesh within?  

Can you handle the me that I hate so much?  Or will it ignite in you the painful hate that you have for yourself?

Will you keep the cracks in my mannequin open with your deliberate care?  Or would you prefer to relate to an intact mannequin--spotless, presentable, and not in the least bit burdensome?