Jots

Saw a very good looking guy last night who eyed-me out from head to shoe. There was an attraction there for me (emotional, and bordering on sexual). I stayed with it. Looked back at him. Undressed him with my mind [ref]. Saw his face when he took off his hat--he looked tired. He became all of a sudden, just another guy. The aura of the mysterious masculine left him, and my attraction for him, both latent sexual and emotional, dissipated.

But it was a close one. I was tempted to "white knuckle" and avoided the temptation to look. Had I done so, I think I would have been defeated. Face the mystique of the masculine head on, and you'll soon find yourself staring into a mirror.

Sex with wife was not the most passionate last night. Combination of tiredness and also the event with that good-looking guy. But she thoroughly enjoyed it, she said. I am glad! Not every sexual union has to have royal fireworks... for me.

Spent the morning fellowshipping and praying with wife while walking and exercising. Talked about all the new friends that I've made since starting this blog and joining another SSA-support online group. (Yes, she knows all of you by name, real or made-up!)

I found myself letting her run on the inside of the curb, so as to protect her. Something that felt really natural and manly to do, that I would not have really thought about doing before. Oh, last week, I also bought some materials and started to wash and polish my vehicles by hand. Another thing that I would have never done before but now love to do. Something about washing my cars by hand... feels so right... especially around the curves.

I am starting to be less and less interested in blogging like I used to. The need for it is gone. I told wife that there are two new directions to take now: (1) learning about manhood; (2) learning about fatherhood.

I am not so naive to think that SSsA will not come back to me. I am ready if that should happen and will chronicle it. But I think future posts will be more about entering into a discovery of what is manhood and what is fatherhood, from an experiential perspective (as always).

I need to get a few hours so that I can do my Summary Reflections #2.

This Feeling-Down Feeling

In the past, this "feeling-down" feeling that I am feeling now would have led to homosexual thinking or activity of some kind. (I know I used the word "feeling" three times in a row. I'm feeling down, okay? Cut me some slack.)

In the midst of my downness, that wanting-to-sexualize-men feeling came pretty strongly.

But I didn't.

I don't want to go back to that vomit.

This pang of pain in my chest is a loneliness to be accepted by other men. To be affirmed, to be encouraged, to be okay in the eyes of other men. Not to trade bodily juices with them.

And so, I sit, writing, waving my little "This Feeling-Down Feeling" banner, and talk to boy-soul.


How are you doing, boy-soul?

I am sad.

Why are you sad?

I don't know.

Are you feeling lonely?

Yes.

I remember that feeling, when we were younger.

Yeah.

Sitting on the swing, elder brother had just rallied a whole bunch of cousins against us because we were fat and ugly.

Yeah.

Or at least, he made us all believe that.

Yeah.

But we're not fat or ugly.

No?

No, we're not. We're fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God.

We are?

Uh-huh.

...

Brother A thinks we're very good-looking. Remember how he always calls us "stud?"

smile

You know what?

What?

I think Brother A's opinion is a lot better than that of a mentally-ill 12-year old brother.

Yeah.

Yeah.


And so, with boy-soul's hand in mine, we get up and start to walk again in our journey towards manhood. And I whisper into boy-soul's ear. "Tonight, we're going to have a good time with the wife in bed. It'll be fun!"

: sunset scene :

That In-Between Feeling: Damn You!

It comes at the end of a busy period. Sometimes at the end of a busy day. And it seems to precede a time of lull.

Busy!--Busy!--Busy!--(-----)--Lull.

It has a voice and a message. It says,

I am tired.
I am worthless.
Nobody loves me.
There is no future.

The mind, the will, they know what to do: Take a shower. Read a Psalm. Pray. Go to sleep.

The body, the emotions, get more attention: The devil beating them up, taunting, bullying, jeering, pushing the mind, the will, into the background.

- - -

Saw Brother A for a few minutes. He asked me how I was doing. I knew he had to go. I knew I was not feeling the best.

When you feel bad and the person you need most to talk to shows up and then has no time for you... you feel like ramming your head against the wall.

I let him go without going into how crappy I felt.

Last night, it was my wife. Tonight, it was Brother A.

Last night, I fell to porn. Tonight, I will beat up the devil who is trying to beat up my body and my emotions. I will say, "you've been damned to hell!"

And I will go take a shower. Have a glass of wine. Listen to something soothing. Do some lectio divina. And go to sleep.

Overcoming The Urge To Sexualize My Anxiety

Deadlines create anxiety for me: the fear of failure, I am not good enough. I medicate those feelings through sex. For me that has meant pornography and masturbation. I wrestled strongly with this anxiety over my deadlines as well as the urge to masturbate yesterday and today. And I've experienced victory.

Factors contributing to my victory today:

• Chatting with a fellow SSsA-struggler online
• Making the resolve to stick to my 90-day fast
• Being open and vulnerable here on my blog even if I can't do so in person with trusted Brothers
• Going to a public place to work, where I can see people and don't feel so lonely
• Giving myself short doable goals (short increments of paced-out work) so that I am not overwhelmed by the enormity of the task at hand
• Reminding myself that my anxious feelings and my genital aches (from having no sexual release of any kind for over 2 weeks) don't have to be associated
• Giving myself a break after a good chunk of many "short doable goals" accomplished -- like blogging now

I noticed that my sense of accomplishment has increased, and I am looking forward to continuing to work on my tasks. The desire to sexually medicate my anxiety is over. I still have the genital ache from no sexual release, but it's more physiological than emotional. I'll likely have a wet-dream one of these days, and that will take care of it. God's made my body to cope with the physiological needs that way.

I also noticed that I have been scanning women and thinking of them sexually--their beautiful bodies like delicious desserts. I wondered what was going on with my sexual attraction to men, and so I "tested" it. I found that it took about 10 seconds of "mental work" (i.e. forcing myself to look at and think of a man sexually) before any sexual arousal would emerge. And even after that, I felt a little grossed out at myself for doing it. With the women, it was pretty much automatic, and if I weren't Christian or married, I think I might have pursued a couple and propositioned them for sex. Oh man, here comes another beautiful one...

A Definite Shift

The love I have been receiving from Brother is unlike any I have ever experienced. He really is not afraid of me "falling in love" with him. He seems to be completely okay with it on a non-sexual basis, soaking in my fondness for him in a... how can I describe it... an ethereal way. He is not freaked out by me telling him I'm falling in love with him. He just welcomes it. My Brother is, truly, the most non-homophobic straight man I have ever met.

I went back to the gym today after being absent for a while. And I experience something that I can describe as a "definite shift" in my same-sex attraction.

For the first time in my life, I saw men differently. Instead of seeing them as objects of desire that I cannot have, I saw them as boys that I can love. It's a very strange shift. Something I did not expect.

After changing into gym clothes, I walked out and saw a bunch of very good looking guys. I found myself naturally smiling at them (even if they weren't smiling at me first). I liked them and wanted to connect with them. But there was nothing sexual about it. I saw them as boys. All of them, the fatter ones, the more muscular ones, the friendlier ones, the chiseled good-looking ones. They were all just boys, being boys. And they were all worthy of being loved as boys.

I don't know if I can quite make sense out of it yet, so I'm going to elaborate a bit more.

It was like I wanted to connect with them, but on a non-sexual emotional level. It was like I looked at them, and I wished them well. The ones that looked more well-adjusted emotionally (not strutting their wares) looked really fine to me. The ones that were less secure (buffed or unbuffed), I felt a sense of pity for them. I wanted to approach these less secure boys and tell them that they are okay, and that I accept them as they are.

One guy was really buffed. Normally, I would feel a little intimidated by that. Yet because of his slightly hunched gait, his downcast facial expression, and that certain something about his mannerisms, I just felt sorry for him. Sorry that he had to get so grotesquely muscular in order to prove his self-worth. It was amazing. I felt no sense of intimidation, and certainly no sense that he could offer me anything sexually. He was LACKING as a man.

Brother, on the other hand, sits on the highest pedestal of manhood in my eyes. He may not be perfect, he can get a little antsy, and he's certainly not the most confident guy with regard to his own physiology. But he has a heart that is more buffed than the hearts of any man I have ever met (and I have met a lot of people). He is truly, the epitome of a man's man at the very core of his being.

Yet, he loves me. He Loves Me! What can these other gym boys offer me compared to the love Brother gives me?

Nothing.

And so, the whole time I was there, I relished in the most non-sexual gym time I have ever had in all of my life. I looked around at every man in the gym, and I loved them with absolutely no desire to imagine having sex with any of them.

Back in the lockers, I felt completely nonchalant about stripping naked and walking into the showers. I had no worries about comparing myself physically with the other guys in the showers. Sure, I looked at them, but each of them looked like just another guy in the shower. It was incredible. I felt, for the first time in my life, completely confident of my own masculinity, and with no need to prove myself whatsoever!

But then, suddenly as I walked out of the showers towards the lockers, I saw what looked like a viking-god from the back. An incredibly attractive male physique: tanned, golden-haired (all over), buffed, six footer with the perfect body shape from his head all the way down to his feet.

I froze for a second and realized that I was feeling a sexual attraction. "Oh oh..." I kept walking.

As I passed him, I turned around and looked at his face. Immediately, the attraction subsided, just as quickly as it had come.

Why?

Because I saw another boy. The face of a sad, down-trodden boy, one who needed major love and affirmation. Sure, he had the perfect body. But I saw through his physique into his heart. It was the size of a shriveled prune.

This "viking-god" was not a man like Brother. He needed to be loved and accepted so that his manhood--like mine--could grow and become full and mature.

This "viking-god" had no true manhood to offer me. I get a thousand times more male-affirmation from Brother than I could ever get from imagining myself having sex with a boy like him.

I lost my interest in looking at male porn when I started to accept Brother's love for me. I did not expect that being loved by Brother could also drastically diminish my sexual attraction towards men -- very good-looking, buffed, attractive men (or so I felt, until now).

I don't know how long this will last. But I'm recording it for posterity.

Quick but Important Post

Monday: Finally was able to be intimate with wife.  It was great.

Tuesday: Things were well, but decided to put a deadline on my work.  Pushed myself to work extra hard, double the effort.  The stress was being felt, and I found myself fantasizing a little more than usual.

Wednesday: Couldn't sleep--woke up after 5 hours.  Felt miserable.  Had a stressful exchange with wife in the morning.  Left for the gym.  Went into shower.  Masturbated.  There was an attractive guy there that stimulated me.  I tried to fight it all the way, but once I began to touch myself, it was too late.  In the afternoon, the stressful exchange turned into a huge argument.  It was resolved but left me exhausted.  I went to nap.

Thursday: Things are stable again.

Friday: I will be going to the gym again tomorrow.  I want to write this so that I am accountable before I go.  I don't want to fall again.

Reaching Out

At around 5pm, I decided that it was already too late to study. I had an early morning meeting, then spent lunch with a needy person. After that, attended a student's concert.

It has all been about "helping others" today. After that, I thought to myself I should just take the day off and relax to be with the family and kids.

I did that.

Lo and behold, I am now struggling. My body is aching for sexual release. And I don't know why. I have been sober/pure for almost 3 weeks now. So why all of a sudden this need?

I can only think of one reason: CHANGE.

For the first time this week, I told myself not to work for a change. And perhaps, some resoluteness within me relaxed, and with it, my sobriety.

So, the best thing to do is to reach out. I'm reaching out now.

If you read this, please pray for me. It's Saturday night, January 10th, 2009.

[Note: this trigger reminds me. I was supposed to think about "purity" this week. I didn't so much think about it as "did" it. I avoided sexual thoughts or sexual pictures completely, seeking instead to embrace holiness.]

Entering Sobriety (also known as "Becoming Scandinavian")

I've been here before. Upset yet calm, angry yet sober, sad but still productive.

This is how sobriety feels. You don't let your emotions rule your behavior. You choose your behavior. You rational mind is more in control of your behavior than your emotions are. In neurology-speak, one could explain it as letting the frontal lobe higher executive functioning override the primitive-amygdala impulse.

I am becoming Scandinavian!

God forbid.

I am becoming more able to do what the author in 2 Cor 10:5 advises: "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." Every thought really means every emotional response if you understand cognitive psychology well.

I had an argument with the wife last night. She quoted some article about a man whose wife did not want to have sex at 5 months of pregnancy. Then she said that the wife had a C-section for all three of her births, so in total, there was no sex for him 21 months for each birth. She said that he never complained to his wife but supported her. Then she concluded by saying that he has not masturbated since 1998.

I responded by saying that just because his wife did not want to have sex or he did not masturbate does not mean that he had to go "sexless" for 21 months. There is a lot that they can still do as a couple, for instance, the wife could give him manual penile stimulation.

She started to react at that point, and the rest of the conversation was emotionally-guided rather than rational, and because of her anxious reactions, she never heard my point. I stormed out of the room and went to sleep somewhere else.

I am very proud of myself. I did not fantasize, I did not go onto the internet for comfort or distraction.

I know she is going through old sexual trauma issues. I'm the one who pushed for and found her a very good new therapist for her to work on that. But it can't all be about her and her discomfort. There is a great deal of discomfort on my part to have her want physical-but-not-sexual closeness. And when she spites my discomfort of going sexually sober (because she is so reactive over my wanting sex between us), I feel like there is no point to be married to her.

Don't worry, I'm not considering divorce. I am just processing -- big difference. The latter is an extremely healthy thing to do.

But I am sober. And I am not masturbating. The ache is getting less and less. I am beginning to feel what someone said to me earlier this week, "I don't know why but it felt like a joke to want to go and masturbate after that fight with my wife."

Undo

I'm looking through movie trailers, wondering if I should go and watch one.

Just seeing the good-looking people on screen incites some sexual excitement within.  Crazy.  They are not even doing anything, just standing and talking.  Why does it illicit such a response in me?

Neurons.

I've been connecting and creating neural pathways in my brain that associate fantasy with sexuality.  Movies are very fantasy like.  Good-looking folk up close and personal, displaying their deepest emotions on screen for you, like they are in bed with you, sharing with you their hearts.  Worse, the lighting is perfect and so is the soundtrack.  Better than life, actually.  But not life.  Just fantasy.

I have a friend (also ssa struggler) who stays away from anything tempting.  He doesn't ever go to the beach anymore because it is a place of temptation for him.  Another can never step into a shopping mall.  Because of his advice, I stopped using the gym showers.  So, now that I am having a sexual feeling from watching movie trailers, should I also avoid ever going to the cinema, even for a PG-13 movie?

I don't think it is realistic.  The issue is a matter of the heart.  Perhaps abstinence for a temporary period would be a good thing.  But if the world--which is highly sexualized--is a problem for me, should I avoid it completely?  Or should I be healed within so that I can be in the world even though I am not of it?

I will decide to go and watch this movie if I feel that the time spent will be better for my soul, which includes some "me-time."  I enjoy watching a meaningful movie that lets me think about life more deeply.  If it sets off a "cycle" for me, then I will deal with it here, on this sanctified blog.  I will write about it, process it, and watch the cycle pass over.

In the meantime, I feel like a cow that has not been milked for weeks.  The last time I went without sex for a while, I had a wet-dream.  It was a relief, but it was also disturbing because the sex came into my mind in technicolor, 3D, and with all the physical sensations.  But at least, I did not need to blame myself for it.  That helped me to keep my spiritual integrity.

The wife continues to be in trauma mode.  And I... all I can do is walk with Jesus, one step at a time.

Turn me around, pick me up, undo what I've become

Bring me back to the place of forgiveness and grace

I need You, need Your help, I can't do this myself

You're the only one who can undo what I've become