An Anger Brewing, Redux

The previous post here.

My apologies for swearing. I know it hurts some of your sensitive eyes to read ef-words and aitch-words. But I wanted to get my point across. I was feeling anger, and I wanted to write authentically out of that place.

But after some reading, I am starting to think that what I am feeling is not so much anger but... another natural element of my emerging manhood, which I alluded to as "testosterone" in my previous post. I got this revelation thanks to a new online friend who pointed me to Van Den Aardweg's writing.

In the final chapter of his book, The Battle For Normality, Aardweg writes:

...let the homosexual man, when the occasion offers itself, participate in a competitive game like soccer, or baseball and really try to do his best, even if he is anything but a star on the field. And without self-pity; persevere and fight. Some have afterward felt wonderful; a sportsmanlike fight - meaning a victory over the "poor me" self - can make one feel deeply that one is "a man".

That's exactly what I want to do out of this "angry" feeling I have inside: a desire to go out and have a good fight! In ancient times, robe on an armor and go fight a dragon. In today's terms, take up a ball and jostle in the courts. Or maybe even put on some gloves and beat the shit (yeah sorry, ess-word) out of each other--all in good competitive [read: manly] fun.

It's like I don't exactly have a specific someone or something I am angry at. I am just feeling aggressive, and I want to let out my aggression.

Aardweg also wrote this, which is incredibly comforting to me:

Heterosexual feelings come only in the wake of restored feelings of manliness... There should be no 'training' in heterosexuality, however, for that would feed the inferior self-image: 'I have to prove my manliness.'

No need for training in heterosexuality, the feelings seem to just "wake up." This has been my experience exactly!! Brother A's unsexualized yet deeply intimate and fatherly love for me has smashed into bits the huge boulder that blocked my heterosexuality from emerging. Now that the blockage is gone, the natural (yes, NATURAL) tendency for heterosexuality is emerging without my trying.

PRAISE GOD! WOO HOO! PARTY ON... and all that unbridled adolescent male sexual energy.

[I have more thoughts about these and other feelings that I am having as fitting into "unbridled adolescent male sexuality." But I'll blog about it in another post tomorrow.]

That Being-Loved Feeling

Finally connected with Brother A. We talked for a long time, and prayed at the end with open eyes, peering deep into each others' souls as we connected with our Father God.

But...

Boy-soul was not very willing to come out at first. Angry. Hurt. Not willing to trust Brother A after the long time of felt distance. (You know, that whole defensive detachment thing.)

Brother A reached in, kept at it, pushing at times, pulling back at times. He let boy-soul talk. Air his frustrations, his insecurities, his hurt, and his deep need to be reassured.

Boy-soul softened after a while

Hooray Brother A -- you did it!

(That was my Adult-self talking.)

(Don't worry, this is not multiple personalities. Just metaphors.)

Boy-soul let Brother A in again. In to that soft, vulnerable place to which only God has access. Boy-soul needed it so much. We needed it so much.

And now, despite all the tiredness, all the helping-other-people's-problems, we are feeling good again. I am feeling good again.

Brother A loves me. I needed to know that. I needed to feel that. And now that I do, everything is okay again.

Not porn, not sex. Like a young boy desperate for the love and attention of his father, what I needed was love from a man I respect and with whom I can feel completely safe and vulnerable.

Brother A, we love you. All of us: boy-soul, adult-self, professional-self, caregiver-self, and most of all, brother-self.

Now, I am ready to go watch Star Trek.

New brother K

Brother K has SSA and is younger than me. [I use caps to denote if a brother is younger (b) or older (B) than me.]

I love brother K like I love my own brother, like I love my own son, like I love my own "boy-soul" within me that is fast growing up.  

When I think of brother K, I get an aching in my heart.  I long to see him come to experience God's full healing in his life, to the point where he no longer seeks out men in a sexual way to find the male-love he so needs and deserves.

Brother K feels things for me that I have felt for Brother A.  It's uncanny to me how similar they are.  Brother K wants to be hugged, loved, and cherished by me--just the way that I have wanted to be hugged, loved, and cherished by Brother A.  Brother K wants wants me to hold his hand, like a father to a son--just the way Brother A's hand turned into my father's hand when he held mine.

I was struck when brother K said that it would break his heart if the intimacy between him and I turned sexual. I said the same thing to Brother A just a few days ago! Only I was a lot more dramatic about it: "I'd kill myself if our relationship ever became sexual."  (Brother A assured me that he could be trusted.)

I understand brother K. This is not a platitude. I really, really understand brother K. And I love him. Like Brother A loves me.

I wonder. How many of us men with SSA struggles are longing for such deep non-sexual male-to-male intimacy? Half? Three-quarters? All?

Mentoring & Same-Sex Attraction

While searching for something online, I happened upon an article on mentoring men who struggle with SSA by Steven Donaldson and Del Thornton (link). The article summarized so many aspects of what I have been experiencing in my relationship with Brother. Turns out that Brother also read this article--in fact, uses it as a guide in helping people like me.

The authors wrote,

"... a mentor must pursue the relationship with the mentee. The mentee at the core does not trust that the mentor could ever be genuinely interested in him and at the same time, need nothing from him. This is a continuation of the father-child injury. For this reason the mentee will not be the initiator in the relationship. This will be re-enacted in the mentoring relationship. In addition, when there is any confusion or conflict the mentee is very likely to assume he did something wrong and withdraw or devalue the relationship. The mentor is very likely to assume he did something wrong and withdraw or devalue the relationship. The mentor must remember that the withdrawal from or devaluing of the relationship is a defense (usually unconscious) against the intense need and longing for the love and affirmation of an idealized male. The mentor must not take anything personally and continue to gently but actively pursue the mentee."

Brother knew I was beginning to distance. He called it out. Stripping down my defenses. Leaving me naked and exposed. Emotions raw.

Then he pressed in. Searing my inner most parts with the purest, holiest iron-rod of truth. At my most vulnerable state, he looked me deep in the eyes and said,

"I love you."

I responded by wrapping my arms around him and breaking out in deep sobs as he embraced me back saying "what am I supposed to do with that?"

- - -

Son is so much like me. Sensitive. And in his eyes, I must be like my father was to me: that loud, booming voice; that angry analytical frown. Mostly, Son avoids me. Runs to Wife when stressed.

(I remember that: running to mother. They used to tease me about that too. "Everything, mama, mama!")

Like Brother to me, I am also pursuing Son. Cutting through his defenses, making sure that he knows with his entire being that his father loves him through and through. That he is a boy worthy of being a boy in his father's eyes.

But I can't do it on empty.

Wife said, "I thought it would be good for you to go with Son to a retreat. But after thinking about it, I realized it might be better for you to first have a retreat with Brother."

Wife too, knows that I can't do it on empty.

God brought Brother into my life for such a time as this. I will accept him. I will allow myself to be challenged by his deeply intimate yet non-sexual love, as much as it kills me.

I love him so much I could literally explode.

- - -

More from Steven Donaldson on SSA and Mentoring in this article: link.