Overcoming The Urge To Sexualize My Anxiety

Deadlines create anxiety for me: the fear of failure, I am not good enough. I medicate those feelings through sex. For me that has meant pornography and masturbation. I wrestled strongly with this anxiety over my deadlines as well as the urge to masturbate yesterday and today. And I've experienced victory.

Factors contributing to my victory today:

• Chatting with a fellow SSsA-struggler online
• Making the resolve to stick to my 90-day fast
• Being open and vulnerable here on my blog even if I can't do so in person with trusted Brothers
• Going to a public place to work, where I can see people and don't feel so lonely
• Giving myself short doable goals (short increments of paced-out work) so that I am not overwhelmed by the enormity of the task at hand
• Reminding myself that my anxious feelings and my genital aches (from having no sexual release of any kind for over 2 weeks) don't have to be associated
• Giving myself a break after a good chunk of many "short doable goals" accomplished -- like blogging now

I noticed that my sense of accomplishment has increased, and I am looking forward to continuing to work on my tasks. The desire to sexually medicate my anxiety is over. I still have the genital ache from no sexual release, but it's more physiological than emotional. I'll likely have a wet-dream one of these days, and that will take care of it. God's made my body to cope with the physiological needs that way.

I also noticed that I have been scanning women and thinking of them sexually--their beautiful bodies like delicious desserts. I wondered what was going on with my sexual attraction to men, and so I "tested" it. I found that it took about 10 seconds of "mental work" (i.e. forcing myself to look at and think of a man sexually) before any sexual arousal would emerge. And even after that, I felt a little grossed out at myself for doing it. With the women, it was pretty much automatic, and if I weren't Christian or married, I think I might have pursued a couple and propositioned them for sex. Oh man, here comes another beautiful one...

Update: 90-day Fast

Today, Wed April 22, 2009 is Day 17 -- no porn, no masturbation. [Link]

Continuing to have little to no desire to look at or think of men sexually, and absolutely zero desire to look at gay porn.

Women continue to be increasingly more beautiful and attractive.

Need to begin more regular quiet time. Loving God more with each passing day. He is so amazing!

Summary Reflections #1 (Dec 08 - April 09) -- Part 1

Exactly four weeks ago today (Sat., March 14, 2009) things took a major turn for me in my journey towards sexual wholeness. This is a summary what has taken place so far.

1. A New Accountability Partner

I have known Brother A for more than a year, but because we live in different cities, we only interacted online, and infrequently. Last November, I started to have serious difficulty staying off pornography and masturbation. My accountability partners allowed me to slip through for many weeks. (I think they were sinning too since they avoided asking me the hard questions.) In desperation, I sought out Brother A for additional accountability, and I started this blog to process my walk. Brother A did a fantastic job of keeping me accountable, and my relationship with him started to change how I felt about myself.

The best part about my interaction with Brother A was when he talked to me in detail about the things that turned him on as a man! I was like a pubescent boy listening to a man tell him everything he'd want to know about the world of grown men! The impact was not just in what Brother A said, but the way he interacted with me about it.

Because I sent an accountability sheet to him every week, Brother A was privy to all of my secret homosexual sins. Despite knowing my failures, he accepted me and loved me--he would tell me so. He also started to talk with me about his own sexual turn-ons in open detail. I was able to get into the mind of a straight man and figure out how it worked. Because he was so open with me about sexuality, I started to feel like "one of the guys."

2. Meeting Brother A

A business trip took me through Brother A's city last month, and so he invited me to spend the weekend with him and his family. Exactly four weeks ago, I met Brother A in person for the first time.

We went to the gym together (he was not worried about being nude with me even though he knew that I struggled), he gave me massages (not in the nude!), I got to see how gentle and loving he was with his own son (hugging and kissing his 15 year old), and we enjoyed a great worship time together at church.

We also talked a lot. It wasn't just surface chatting; it was real, deep, and intimate. He related to me at the very edges of acceptability without crossing the boundaries. For example, when we were both nude in the public showers, we talked about having oral sex with our wives! I had never in my entire life felt so accepted as a man in my sexuality. And the fact that I was talking sex with a Christian man I respected was even more freeing.

It became evident by the end of the weekend that Brother A truly and genuinely liked me and loved me. Wow... an older, handsome, muscular, straight man who is deep, sensitive, and intelligent loves me! This is how I knew for sure:

Before we parted, I admitted to him that I had sexual feelings for him. I avoided looking at him when I told him, and I expected him to put an end to our relationship. Instead, he moved closer towards me--his body touching mine--and looked straight at me with the softest, most loving eyes. Then he told me that he loved me even more now, and that he wished he could give me a big, huge bear hug.

*Faint*

After that, I fell head-over-hells in love with Brother A. (Can you blame me?)

3. Deep Non-Sexual Male Intimacy

The first week after I left Brother A, I obsessed about him. I thought about him constantly. Each time I did, I would get this warm, achey feeling in my chest accompanied with a mild erection. Brother A had told me that he also sometimes felt this way, with women and with men, but for him it was a "sensual response of the body" and not sexual.

Because of my personal resolve to never fantasize about people with whom I have a real-life relationship, I did not allow myself to masturbate to thoughts of Brother A. It was really hard to do. To make things even more difficult, Brother A kept heaping his puppy-eyed, muscle-clad love on me over internet communication. I was forced to keep receiving all of his intoxicating emotional manlove without once being able to sexualize it. It was a nightmare in heaven! [post]

Five days after I left Brother A, I realized that I had not once thought about men sexually or had an instance of wanting to look at pornography [post]. I had not masturbated for over a week, and it didn't bother me in the least bit. It was then that I came to realize that what I really needed from men was not sexual intimacy but relational intimacy [post]. And that was when I started to believe--truly believe--that my SSsA has its roots in a deficit of male attachments [post].

[End of Part 1.]

90-Day Fast from Porn & Masturbation

I was recently invited to join a Facebook group for men dealing with SSA. One of the topics is fasting from porn and masturbation. I decided to join. This is part of what I wrote on the topic:

Today (April 7) is Day 2.

One of the things that I have found challenging in counting abstinence days is the demotivation that comes from falling over and over again. I'd like to encourage us not to give up, and point us to John Piper's excellent article on this entitled "Gutsy Guilt: Don't Let Shame Over Sexual Sin Destroy You" [link]

I am doing this not so much to rack up "day-points," but for the discipline. I am focusing not so much on the number of times I fall, but the changes in the number of days between each fall over time. I have found that the periods of abstinence increases with time, practice, and accountability. The fruit is not so much the number of days abstinent, but the refining of my heart, the renewal of my mind, and the purifying of my relationships. And I want to allow each fall to draw me closer into holy relationship with God and with my fellow brothers.

In additional to personal experience, I like to integrate science and social science with good theology (i.e. not surfacey, literalist approaches to understanding Scripture) to inform my growth into manhood. So I really appreciated reading one of the comments on the Facebook page that talked about emerging evidence from neuroscience research that ∆FosB, a neuropetide associated with stress and reward, is believed to act as a molecular "switch" that maintains addictive behavior (including masturbation and orgasm).

The commenter wrote: "The scary thing is that once ∆FosB is released in the brain, it stays there for AT LEAST A MONTH OR TWO after withdrawal before breaking down. So there's a neurochemical basis for this 90 day thing, or at least a 30 - 60 day fast. It takes at least that long to even begin working on 'breaking the habit' with something of a clean slate."

I am looking forward blogging more about my progress here, under the label: "90-day fast."

Today, April 8, is Day 3.

Moving On: The Next Steps

For the past week, I have been caught in an emotional frenzy like I had not experienced before. An attachment of mostly make-belief. Perceptions.

The attachment is not real, like a door or a shoe. It's all in my head. Just neurons and chemicals. I do not need to let it continue to rule my emotions the way it has, even though the experience has been beneficial. I believe I have learned the lessons that God wanted me to learn.

One. I have a deficit of healthy male-attachments since childhood. It has made me shield myself off from being vulnerable and real with men. When stressed, I isolate and look to porn for comfort. I need to stop that.

Two. I have attached myself to someone who had only committed himself to keep me accountable from porn for a limited time. He never asked to be an attachment figure. I am making him out to be a whole lot more than who he agreed to be with me. I need to stop that.

Three. I look like a man. I smell like a man. I make love to a woman like a man. And I even garner deep respect from many men. I am already healed. Now, I need to walk in my full manhood: honest, vulnerable, strong, and above-all, Spirit-filled. I need to start that.

Moving on.

-----

Today, I called one accountability partner to have lunch with him. Rather than to get frustrated with him given his simple pat answers, I will allow my heart to be soft towards his caring (because he does care) and be vulnerable. If he freaks out, then I'll know it's time to find myself a different brother, one who is indeed called to walk with me.

Tomorrow, I will call another accountability partner. I'll tell him how I felt hurt by his abandonment when I needed him most--how he said he would follow up with me, but then failed to do so. I will tell him what I need in that relationship and ask if he can do it. If he can't, then I'll thank and keep him as my internet-accountability partner, but find myself another brother with whom I can walk much more closely, one who will not abandon me.

Tonight, I found some resources online. I will begin to spend my free time reading all I can about complete healing of my SSA. It's time to put my analytical brain to the task. Scary!

-----

Resources:

- In His Fullness. Their resources section has a list of recommended readings, including movies.

- Exodus International's Library for prevention and recovery from homosexuality.

Update

It had been almost a month since I last wrote. Where am I?

I had to make some changes to my computer more than week a ago and I discovered that I could look at porn without alerting my accountability partner. And so I have been doing that frequently, at first, as an experiment to figure out my software, and then because I wanted to engage in it.

Over the past month, I have been isolating myself emotionally from other men. I have not met up with my accountability partners, have not had open, connected conversations. I suppose this means that I am struggling. Yes, I am. Busyness is a convenient excuse, but the core of the issue is the will. Let me explain.

I am discovering the importance of "choice" in my growth into manhood. My decision to "let loose" on internet pornography (to test my change, so to speak) revealed to me that although I have started to change, the change will not proceed without further effort/will on my part. I need to choose to change.

So, more recently, I have found myself looking at porn of men having sex with each other--something that I had never really enjoyed looking at. With extra time on my hands to surf, I have been able to find ones where there is a semblance of emotional intimacy between the actors, not just the raw act of sex. One could say that I have "gotten worse," but I am not sure if that is the case.

The new feeling of "being one of the guys" has come in genuinely. This has not been fabricated, I am glad to discover. I miss talking with my straight friend. It feels so good to experience his openness and acceptance of me with holy love. Talking with him about sex stuff while having him know the details of my same-sex struggles is one of the most healing aspects of my journey thus far. He loves me where it matters to me most. I miss interacting with him so much more than I want to masturbate to pornography. With him, the longings in my boy-soul is met; porn does not meet the deeper needs of my boy-soul.

I have wanted to write this post for a couple of weeks now, but busyness--and shame of needing to confess my recent porn habit--had kept me from doing so. But I am glad to have forced myself to write this. It is healing. Stops the isolation, so that I can proceed in my journey into manhood.

Once I publish this post, I will go and take care of my software vulnerability. Put a fence around the porn so that I don't tempt myself with awful, unhealthy candy that will rot my boy-soul and stop him from growing.

Experimentation & Accountability

Over the last week, I have allowed myself to look at porn several times. I wanted to let myself "loose" so that I could find out, without any shred of doubt, if I am truly changing.

This is what I've discovered.  5 points.

1. I *am* less attracted to men sexually.

I can see men having all kinds of sexual acts either alone or together, but I see it not so much with a sense of deprivation within me. I don't feel like I want or need the same. I see it as a little comical that the men should want to do something like that with each other rather than with women.

I used to find the right look in a man, and then fantasize having sexual relations with him.  No more.  Even the most perfect looking guy is just another guy to me -- a buddy.  Not a person who can really give me something by having sex with me.

This is a huge change. And I'm not pretending it.  It really is just happening.  And I am not sure exactly what has led to this change.  I have some ideas.

2. I am still able to get aroused by seeing men engage in sexual acts.

I can get aroused. Not quite as immediately as before, but I can. It's no longer an arousal that draws me to participate. It's more an arousal of plain sexual excitement. It's more... pure.  Innocent. Like a young kid would get an erection at the sight of another boy doing something sexual, but neither understanding what is happening to them except that natural feeling of sexual excitement. There is no need to masturbate in this kind of arousal.

3. I feel a strong need to have my male sexual-ness be affirmed by another man.

I don't mean just being affirmed as a guy. I mean specifically having a man--a straight man, by the way--directly approve me of my male sexual-ness. At the most "homosexual" end, it would be having the two of us masturbate together, but not needing to touch each other.  At the most "heterosexual" end would be having a coach-like figure scrutinize me masturbating or even having sex with a woman, and then give me a good score for it, and a pat on the back.  Somewhere in the middle would be for us to have sex together with a girl.

I want affirmation that I am male, at the very physiologically sexual level, and have other guys respect and like me because of my ability to carry out the sex act as a man.  That we like each other and affirm each other's sexual-ness.  The epitome of this experience is to have another man affirm me and even join me in orgasm (but not join me by having sex with me).  In other words, I don't want the other man's manhood, I want his brotherhood to affirm me where I feel least affirmed -- in my sexuality.

I think to the straight guy, this sounds gay. But in my mind, there is a world of difference. It's more like I am a young teenage boy who is just maturing sexually, and having some friends gather around to connect, affirm, and learn from each other by experimentation and comparison.  Very different from wanting to have sex with other guys.  This kind of activity leads the boys towards feeling good about themselves and then branching off into learning about girls.

4. I don't like most of the girls in porn.

I cannot objectify women. To see a woman go "ooh" and "ahh" while pretending to enjoy giving oral sex is simply fake.  Women want to be loved, to be cherished, to be held and told that they are beautiful.  The stuff in porn is for stupid guys (sorry, but it is).  Guys whose understanding of women don't go further than the length of their boner.  A girl who is begging a guy to give it to her for the sheer physicality... does any half-witted educated man really want that in a woman to love?

I suppose this is why I find myself most attracted to pictures of a man and a woman having sex that is in a close physical embrace, rather than the mere pounding of genitals.

5. Porn is still dangerous, no matter my orientation.

If I am not careful, I can get stuck in same-sex attraction by allowing myself to keep looking at porn, even if what I am looking for is more affirmation than attraction.

What I am afraid of is that if I stop looking at porn, will my same-sex attraction (as opposed to same-sex affirmation) come back?

I think I need to remain accountable to stopping porn.

Pausing & Falling -- And Changing?

I had put a pause in accountability reports last week so that I can attend to the project I am working on.  It has been almost two weeks since I put on that pause.

In that time, I have masturbated twice, and once I fell to pornography online -- last night.

One of the biggest hindrances to purity is not to have accountability. And so, I am taking some time to write this, and to be accountable again.

As for the porn last night, I found myself interested more in the memory of what I used to enjoy rather than what I was seeing right there and then.  The more I work to help other men overcome their own SSA, the less I find SSA appealing.  Even the most attractive male figure feels to me now as "just another man."  The strength, the security, the power that I used to attribute to them no longer seem quite so potent.  

In a sense, over the past two weeks, I was more affected internally when I fantasized those two times than when I looked at porn.  When I see the men in flesh with my eyes, they look... well, like me.  And I certainly don't quite see myself as the masculine savior that I project onto the men I fantasize about (not real people, usually images that I have seen in pictures or old memories of porn when I used to be really given into it).

I think I am changing, on the inside.  Why?  Because when I looked at the porn, I saw no so much men that have attributes I don't have, but that their attributes are not very different from my own--and thus, not so attractive to me anymore.  

I am wondering if I am indeed growing into manhood at a deeper level?

Right now, I really do feel like a man, and can hang out with other men, even the crude ones that drink, smoke, and ogle at women. I think I can even connect with them at the unspoken emotional level, and have them feel like I am one of them.  Why? Because I feel that way, especially after my experience of looking at porn last night (mostly of straight men), and feeling like I am just looking at one of my friends, and I am not really very different from them.

Am I beginning to self-identify with straight men at the core of who I am?

The only thing that I am afraid of doing now is to begin fantasizing about women.  I want to do that.  I want to look at women on the internet and masturbate to fantasies about having sex with them.  Yes, I have a wife, and I can make passionate love with her, but aside from her, I have not allowed myself to fantasize about women, even though I am starting to think that maybe I should.

Should I?

Fell Again

I fell last night.  Internet pornography.

I will write more later.  I have been thinking what's gone wrong this week, after 3 weeks of "success."

Accountability is good, but it's hard to feel so exposed and vulnerable.  I am ashamed of myself, but I'm trying not to dwell on it.  I'm not being proud or avoiding.  It's just too painful to expose my same-sex sins to other men, straight men.  You must think of me as less-than, reject, worthless.  I know better in my head; but in my heart, I pretty much hate myself.

The worst part: the people I am helping are doing better than I am.

Only in writing can I be so vulnerable.  I have nothing to hold on to except for the blood of Jesus shed on the cross for me.

Reaching Out

At around 5pm, I decided that it was already too late to study. I had an early morning meeting, then spent lunch with a needy person. After that, attended a student's concert.

It has all been about "helping others" today. After that, I thought to myself I should just take the day off and relax to be with the family and kids.

I did that.

Lo and behold, I am now struggling. My body is aching for sexual release. And I don't know why. I have been sober/pure for almost 3 weeks now. So why all of a sudden this need?

I can only think of one reason: CHANGE.

For the first time this week, I told myself not to work for a change. And perhaps, some resoluteness within me relaxed, and with it, my sobriety.

So, the best thing to do is to reach out. I'm reaching out now.

If you read this, please pray for me. It's Saturday night, January 10th, 2009.

[Note: this trigger reminds me. I was supposed to think about "purity" this week. I didn't so much think about it as "did" it. I avoided sexual thoughts or sexual pictures completely, seeking instead to embrace holiness.]

Abstinence vs. Purity

The last time I masturbated was December 22, 2008.

Wow.  I have not masturbated since last year.

Sounds impressive.  But not really.

This week, I went and looked at "soft porn" on the internet.  I'm not even sure if you can call it porn compared to the kinds of online videos I would look at if unfettered by accountability.  Nude pictures on Google images, mostly men, sometimes women.  I've also started to desperately look for anything somewhat erotic on YouTube.  Not very much there.

Triple X Watch is still on.  I'm not sure if it will pick up on what I've browsed... about 3x this week?

It frustrates me not to be able to have an orgasm.  Looking at these erotic internet content frustrates me even further because there is no follow-up sexual release.  My bottom line is: no masturbation.

Technical abstinence.  "I might have looked, and I might have allowed some fantasy to happen for more than a few seconds here and there, but hey, I haven't masturbated.  I'm pure!"

No, I am not.

Abstinence is a matter of stopping.  Purity is a lot more than that.  I'll put some thought to that next.  I will blog about it.  Perhaps, pursuing purity can be my next goal.  First, to understand and articulate it.

When I Don't Write

A long day of work today.  I started my day by writing in this blog.  I wrote because I was wanting to masturbate--some kind of anxiety surrounding work.  Writing helped.

At the end of my work day, I felt good about having been productive, but I also felt down.  At that point, I should have blogged again, but I thought I would not write so much and create more burdens for my readers.  And that's when I fell.

Triple X Watch has some loopholes.  For instance, it doesn't catch when I look at sexual images on Wikipedia.

Oops.  Too late, another secret out.

I fell in terms of succumbing to Wikipedia images.  But not to masturbation.  Those images are pretty benign compared to the other stuff I used to look at.  But still, I fell.  Or maybe "almost fell" because my bottom line is masturbation.

I moved on to other things, caught up on my blog subscriptions.  That helped.

But at the end of that, I felt down again.  Empty.  I still wanted to masturbate.  

The wife is not available to me, and I am still weary of going close to her.  At any time, she might react again and hurt me more.  It helped that she apologized today and tried to make up for it.  It showed that I am not insane to think that she is an emotional wreck.  But it doesn't make relating with her any easier.

It's 2 a.m.  I need to sleep so that I can wake up on time to exercise.  But I felt I needed to write, to process.  Because when I don't write, I seem to fall.

Question is: Are you reading?  And is this too much?

Cracks in the Mannequin

Last Monday night, I spent about 3 hours on the internet looking at pornography.  I did not disable my accountability software.  And I knew I would be "caught" when the report came.  But I didn't care.  Then again, maybe I should say I did care because a part of me knew that the shame the report would bring on me would cause me to stop.

That shame came tonight.  My wound is now open for my accountability partner to see. The presentable mannequin that I pass off as me on the outside has cracks all over it.  And they have become gapingly visible.  Yet if one were to look closely, beneath the cracks, past the rotting blood and puss, there is a glimpse of flesh.  There is hope.

According to the recent post on Covenant Eyes' blog, Christian musicians are speaking out to those who are tempted by porn.  Rush of Fools, Casting Crowns, Kirk Franklin, and others are singing openly about their own failures.  And their songs minister to me: I am not alone.

Their message is clear.  We need to stop hiding.  We need to be open, real, vulnerable, as Rick below shares.

Can I be completely vulnerable, or will I let the cracks seal up and I retreat behind the flawless exterior of my mannequin self?

That depends on me for the most part.  But it also depends on you, my accountability brothers.

Do you have what it takes to reach in through the cracks of mannequin exterior, dirty your hands with the blood and puss in order to touch the flesh within?  

Can you handle the me that I hate so much?  Or will it ignite in you the painful hate that you have for yourself?

Will you keep the cracks in my mannequin open with your deliberate care?  Or would you prefer to relate to an intact mannequin--spotless, presentable, and not in the least bit burdensome?