Saturday, January 17, 2009

Fell Again

I fell last night.  Internet pornography.

I will write more later.  I have been thinking what's gone wrong this week, after 3 weeks of "success."

Accountability is good, but it's hard to feel so exposed and vulnerable.  I am ashamed of myself, but I'm trying not to dwell on it.  I'm not being proud or avoiding.  It's just too painful to expose my same-sex sins to other men, straight men.  You must think of me as less-than, reject, worthless.  I know better in my head; but in my heart, I pretty much hate myself.

The worst part: the people I am helping are doing better than I am.

Only in writing can I be so vulnerable.  I have nothing to hold on to except for the blood of Jesus shed on the cross for me.


  1. I often don't blog about my worst falls or try and make them sound better than they really are. My pastor struggles with SSA and reads my blog...this makes me more scared to be honest...I need to fight this. I know it's my pride, but it's hard humbling myself is such a humbling way.

  2. I understand. It's very, very hard. I also have accountability brothers reading this blog. I had to take the attitude of "I don't care, I throw myself under the mercy of the cross. Come what may, I will be authentic and trust that God will deliver me -- because I for sure can't deliver myself, no matter how hard I try. One of my accountability brothers was pretty much disgusted with me when I went on my "experimental phase." It's painful to be authentic.

  3. I can wife thought you were really foolish too.
    I understood the psychology of it, but knew it can only lead to getting dirty.
    But you get huge props for writing this down and having real people read it and then confront you about it. That takes guts. And because you were serious about change...change happened.

  4. I'm risky like that. God made me that way. I can't live inauthentically. I rather die trying than not try and never know. Hopefully, my folly can benefit others. God's grace. Only by God's grace.