As I was reading (studying), your faces came to me.
One of you had mentioned repentance.
I could imagine your face.
Searing judgment.
A sadness came upon me.
I am worthless. I am nothing.
Deep shame.
I let it sit,
let it slowly
sting
its sadness
into my soul.
From somewhere, a light.
Invisible, almost imperceptible,
melting sadness into surrender.
My impressive education is not worth anything.
This important project is not worth anything.
Nothing I do is worth anything.
Only Jesus.
Yes, I am worth something in Jesus.
A worth not pumped-up or pompous but contrite and content.
A worth requiring no-striving, only surrender and recognition:
You are my all in all.
"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." (2 Cor. 7:10)
Showing posts with label Feeling Sober. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Feeling Sober. Show all posts
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Entering Sobriety (also known as "Becoming Scandinavian")
I've been here before. Upset yet calm, angry yet sober, sad but still productive.
This is how sobriety feels. You don't let your emotions rule your behavior. You choose your behavior. You rational mind is more in control of your behavior than your emotions are. In neurology-speak, one could explain it as letting the frontal lobe higher executive functioning override the primitive-amygdala impulse.
I am becoming Scandinavian!
God forbid.
I am becoming more able to do what the author in 2 Cor 10:5 advises: "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." Every thought really means every emotional response if you understand cognitive psychology well.
I had an argument with the wife last night. She quoted some article about a man whose wife did not want to have sex at 5 months of pregnancy. Then she said that the wife had a C-section for all three of her births, so in total, there was no sex for him 21 months for each birth. She said that he never complained to his wife but supported her. Then she concluded by saying that he has not masturbated since 1998.
I responded by saying that just because his wife did not want to have sex or he did not masturbate does not mean that he had to go "sexless" for 21 months. There is a lot that they can still do as a couple, for instance, the wife could give him manual penile stimulation.
She started to react at that point, and the rest of the conversation was emotionally-guided rather than rational, and because of her anxious reactions, she never heard my point. I stormed out of the room and went to sleep somewhere else.
I am very proud of myself. I did not fantasize, I did not go onto the internet for comfort or distraction.
I know she is going through old sexual trauma issues. I'm the one who pushed for and found her a very good new therapist for her to work on that. But it can't all be about her and her discomfort. There is a great deal of discomfort on my part to have her want physical-but-not-sexual closeness. And when she spites my discomfort of going sexually sober (because she is so reactive over my wanting sex between us), I feel like there is no point to be married to her.
Don't worry, I'm not considering divorce. I am just processing -- big difference. The latter is an extremely healthy thing to do.
But I am sober. And I am not masturbating. The ache is getting less and less. I am beginning to feel what someone said to me earlier this week, "I don't know why but it felt like a joke to want to go and masturbate after that fight with my wife."
This is how sobriety feels. You don't let your emotions rule your behavior. You choose your behavior. You rational mind is more in control of your behavior than your emotions are. In neurology-speak, one could explain it as letting the frontal lobe higher executive functioning override the primitive-amygdala impulse.
I am becoming Scandinavian!
God forbid.
I am becoming more able to do what the author in 2 Cor 10:5 advises: "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." Every thought really means every emotional response if you understand cognitive psychology well.
I had an argument with the wife last night. She quoted some article about a man whose wife did not want to have sex at 5 months of pregnancy. Then she said that the wife had a C-section for all three of her births, so in total, there was no sex for him 21 months for each birth. She said that he never complained to his wife but supported her. Then she concluded by saying that he has not masturbated since 1998.
I responded by saying that just because his wife did not want to have sex or he did not masturbate does not mean that he had to go "sexless" for 21 months. There is a lot that they can still do as a couple, for instance, the wife could give him manual penile stimulation.
She started to react at that point, and the rest of the conversation was emotionally-guided rather than rational, and because of her anxious reactions, she never heard my point. I stormed out of the room and went to sleep somewhere else.
I am very proud of myself. I did not fantasize, I did not go onto the internet for comfort or distraction.
I know she is going through old sexual trauma issues. I'm the one who pushed for and found her a very good new therapist for her to work on that. But it can't all be about her and her discomfort. There is a great deal of discomfort on my part to have her want physical-but-not-sexual closeness. And when she spites my discomfort of going sexually sober (because she is so reactive over my wanting sex between us), I feel like there is no point to be married to her.
Don't worry, I'm not considering divorce. I am just processing -- big difference. The latter is an extremely healthy thing to do.
But I am sober. And I am not masturbating. The ache is getting less and less. I am beginning to feel what someone said to me earlier this week, "I don't know why but it felt like a joke to want to go and masturbate after that fight with my wife."
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