Watch these clips of brother Rob and his wife Angie talking about their marital relationship in light of Rob's feelings of same-sex attraction (link).
Rob and Angie's story reflects mine with my wife. I may have SSA issues, my wife has her own set of issues too. I was always open with my wife, and told her of my struggles before we got married, and I continue to be real and authentic with her (although we spare each other of unhelpful descriptive details). We learn that we can't change the other person, but we can work on ourselves, and we can also be honest about what we would appreciate in the other person. And lastly, patience and prayerfulness--with a desperate dependency on God--has been crucial in my wife and I learning and growing in intimacy.
I am so proud of you both, Rob & Angie! :-D
Showing posts with label Marital Relations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marital Relations. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Humility Is Manly
After many years of feeling pressured by the wife to be spiritual around her, I finally gave in.There is only one person in this world with whom I am as vulnerable as I am when I am with God: Brother A. He gets to see boy-soul fully. He's been the only person with whom boy-soul has felt safe enough to emerge.
When I am with God, I am totally open. I hide nothing from Him. I am completely naked. He could strike me down and I have no defense. He could reach towards me and my heart is fully His. God allowed me to have this relationship with Brother A.
And now, God wants me to have this relationship with my wife. Even if she will use my vulnerability against me (e.g. call on me when I am being prideful out of her own fleshly insecurities).
And so I made a commitment last night before God and before my wife that I will be spiritual [read: completely vulnerable] with God in her presence.
The Spirit opened my eyes to a sin that I had committed that I had not told anyone. I shared that with her. Then, I allowed myself to admit the deepest fears I have in life (the fear of failure, the fear of poverty, the fear of insignificance), and gave them over to Jesus. This, in front of my wife. Something I have never done before.
Me: So now I am naked and vulnerable. You can walk all over me.
Wife: No, now you are strong and manly, and you have no fear.
Then, we made love. And I was a man, through and through.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Jots
Saw a very good looking guy last night who eyed-me out from head to shoe. There was an attraction there for me (emotional, and bordering on sexual). I stayed with it. Looked back at him. Undressed him with my mind [ref]. Saw his face when he took off his hat--he looked tired. He became all of a sudden, just another guy. The aura of the mysterious masculine left him, and my attraction for him, both latent sexual and emotional, dissipated.
But it was a close one. I was tempted to "white knuckle" and avoided the temptation to look. Had I done so, I think I would have been defeated. Face the mystique of the masculine head on, and you'll soon find yourself staring into a mirror.
Sex with wife was not the most passionate last night. Combination of tiredness and also the event with that good-looking guy. But she thoroughly enjoyed it, she said. I am glad! Not every sexual union has to have royal fireworks... for me.
Spent the morning fellowshipping and praying with wife while walking and exercising. Talked about all the new friends that I've made since starting this blog and joining another SSA-support online group. (Yes, she knows all of you by name, real or made-up!)
I found myself letting her run on the inside of the curb, so as to protect her. Something that felt really natural and manly to do, that I would not have really thought about doing before. Oh, last week, I also bought some materials and started to wash and polish my vehicles by hand. Another thing that I would have never done before but now love to do. Something about washing my cars by hand... feels so right... especially around the curves.
I am starting to be less and less interested in blogging like I used to. The need for it is gone. I told wife that there are two new directions to take now: (1) learning about manhood; (2) learning about fatherhood.
I am not so naive to think that SSsA will not come back to me. I am ready if that should happen and will chronicle it. But I think future posts will be more about entering into a discovery of what is manhood and what is fatherhood, from an experiential perspective (as always).
I need to get a few hours so that I can do my Summary Reflections #2.
But it was a close one. I was tempted to "white knuckle" and avoided the temptation to look. Had I done so, I think I would have been defeated. Face the mystique of the masculine head on, and you'll soon find yourself staring into a mirror.
Sex with wife was not the most passionate last night. Combination of tiredness and also the event with that good-looking guy. But she thoroughly enjoyed it, she said. I am glad! Not every sexual union has to have royal fireworks... for me.
Spent the morning fellowshipping and praying with wife while walking and exercising. Talked about all the new friends that I've made since starting this blog and joining another SSA-support online group. (Yes, she knows all of you by name, real or made-up!)
I found myself letting her run on the inside of the curb, so as to protect her. Something that felt really natural and manly to do, that I would not have really thought about doing before. Oh, last week, I also bought some materials and started to wash and polish my vehicles by hand. Another thing that I would have never done before but now love to do. Something about washing my cars by hand... feels so right... especially around the curves.
I am starting to be less and less interested in blogging like I used to. The need for it is gone. I told wife that there are two new directions to take now: (1) learning about manhood; (2) learning about fatherhood.
I am not so naive to think that SSsA will not come back to me. I am ready if that should happen and will chronicle it. But I think future posts will be more about entering into a discovery of what is manhood and what is fatherhood, from an experiential perspective (as always).
I need to get a few hours so that I can do my Summary Reflections #2.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Happiness Is
... holding on to your happy big-eyed stuffed turtle while having your father hold on to you and tell you that you are the most important boy in the whole world to him.
... feeling like you are the most beautiful princess in the eyes of your father.
... being woken up by a hunk-like husband with loving caresses and being made-loved to first thing in the morning after a good night's rest.
... being completely raw, vulnerable, and child-like with an elder, winsome Brother, and still be loved by him.
... running for 30 minutes at high speed and feeling completely exhilarated and not exhausted.
... being focused and productive at work, and not having emotional ghosts clawing you for unhealthy attention.
... following in the footsteps of Jesus.
... feeling like you are the most beautiful princess in the eyes of your father.
... being woken up by a hunk-like husband with loving caresses and being made-loved to first thing in the morning after a good night's rest.
... being completely raw, vulnerable, and child-like with an elder, winsome Brother, and still be loved by him.
... running for 30 minutes at high speed and feeling completely exhilarated and not exhausted.
... being focused and productive at work, and not having emotional ghosts clawing you for unhealthy attention.
... following in the footsteps of Jesus.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Updates
1. WORK
When was my last post? I can't even remember. That's a good sign. I'm getting into my work. I am finding myself making some head-way. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
2. RELATIONSHIPS
I'm also handling a lot of relationship conflicts. These are going well, improving. I'm glad that it's my area of competence and I can do it well, but it is tiring work. Still, it is necessary. Relationship problems don't go away by themselves.
3. BOY-SOUL
Did not connect with Brother A for a couple of weeks. Finally connected. It was good, yet different. I am very aware now of boy-soul within, who comes out whenever he is with Brother A. Pretty needy, still, that boy-soul. I am trying to parent him more myself. He wants to hide within Brother A's embrace, but he also knows that Brother A is very human.
We (me and boy-soul) are allowing ourselves (1) to continue to be very open, tender, and vulnerable with Brother A, and (2) to begin exploring by taking little steps towards the "outside." Boy-soul is scared that if he should come out, he will get bullied. Poor thing.
It's okay, Boy-soul, I'm with you. God is with us. And Brother A is good for keeps.
4. PURITY & PORN
This 90-day fast thing is not working. Last night, I fell to porn again. Not the anxious Boy-soul driven need to sexualize male intimacy, more of a self-pity anger reflex from trying to be intimate with wife on the phone, and having the conversation go sour. Nothing worse than getting all aroused and ready to climax, and then not be able to because of an argument.
There is a part of me that is afraid to look at porn of naked women alone (i.e. without a man present). Even in all of my risk-taking, that is a floodgate I am not willing to peek into. After confessing to wife later, I also told her that I'm still not masturbating to nude women alone, and I won't do so until she gives me permission.
Wife: Err... you mean give you permission to masturbate to sexual thoughts of other women? Oh! You mean like all of my Christian women friends give their husbands permission to masturbate to porn of nude women?
She makes me smile when she's funny like that.
A man and a woman: moaning with pleasure in intimate sexual and emotional embrace.
Turns me on. Big time. Will be me. And my wife. A few more days. I can't wait.
In the meantime, it's another Day 1 today. (Groan.)
Gotta get that Covenant Eyes installed. But I am so unwilling to pay for it.
When was my last post? I can't even remember. That's a good sign. I'm getting into my work. I am finding myself making some head-way. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
2. RELATIONSHIPS
I'm also handling a lot of relationship conflicts. These are going well, improving. I'm glad that it's my area of competence and I can do it well, but it is tiring work. Still, it is necessary. Relationship problems don't go away by themselves.
3. BOY-SOUL
Did not connect with Brother A for a couple of weeks. Finally connected. It was good, yet different. I am very aware now of boy-soul within, who comes out whenever he is with Brother A. Pretty needy, still, that boy-soul. I am trying to parent him more myself. He wants to hide within Brother A's embrace, but he also knows that Brother A is very human.
We (me and boy-soul) are allowing ourselves (1) to continue to be very open, tender, and vulnerable with Brother A, and (2) to begin exploring by taking little steps towards the "outside." Boy-soul is scared that if he should come out, he will get bullied. Poor thing.
It's okay, Boy-soul, I'm with you. God is with us. And Brother A is good for keeps.
4. PURITY & PORN
This 90-day fast thing is not working. Last night, I fell to porn again. Not the anxious Boy-soul driven need to sexualize male intimacy, more of a self-pity anger reflex from trying to be intimate with wife on the phone, and having the conversation go sour. Nothing worse than getting all aroused and ready to climax, and then not be able to because of an argument.
There is a part of me that is afraid to look at porn of naked women alone (i.e. without a man present). Even in all of my risk-taking, that is a floodgate I am not willing to peek into. After confessing to wife later, I also told her that I'm still not masturbating to nude women alone, and I won't do so until she gives me permission.
Wife: Err... you mean give you permission to masturbate to sexual thoughts of other women? Oh! You mean like all of my Christian women friends give their husbands permission to masturbate to porn of nude women?
She makes me smile when she's funny like that.
A man and a woman: moaning with pleasure in intimate sexual and emotional embrace.
Turns me on. Big time. Will be me. And my wife. A few more days. I can't wait.
In the meantime, it's another Day 1 today. (Groan.)
Gotta get that Covenant Eyes installed. But I am so unwilling to pay for it.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Sexual Intimacy Over The Phone
Brother A suggested that being sexual with one's wife over the phone is a good thing. He added that for him, it is a way to connect with his wife.
It was awkward at first. We'd never done anything like that before.
In the end, it worked out.
And it was sweet.
Very sweet.
Not the same as solo masturbation at all.
Not even close.
It's all in the connecting.
Amazing.
Brother A comes through again.
His love for me deepens my love for my wife.
It was awkward at first. We'd never done anything like that before.
In the end, it worked out.
And it was sweet.
Very sweet.
Not the same as solo masturbation at all.
Not even close.
It's all in the connecting.
Amazing.
Brother A comes through again.
His love for me deepens my love for my wife.
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