Tuesday, May 5, 2009



When was my last post? I can't even remember. That's a good sign. I'm getting into my work. I am finding myself making some head-way. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.


I'm also handling a lot of relationship conflicts. These are going well, improving. I'm glad that it's my area of competence and I can do it well, but it is tiring work. Still, it is necessary. Relationship problems don't go away by themselves.


Did not connect with Brother A for a couple of weeks. Finally connected. It was good, yet different. I am very aware now of boy-soul within, who comes out whenever he is with Brother A. Pretty needy, still, that boy-soul. I am trying to parent him more myself. He wants to hide within Brother A's embrace, but he also knows that Brother A is very human.

We (me and boy-soul) are allowing ourselves (1) to continue to be very open, tender, and vulnerable with Brother A, and (2) to begin exploring by taking little steps towards the "outside." Boy-soul is scared that if he should come out, he will get bullied. Poor thing.

It's okay, Boy-soul, I'm with you. God is with us. And Brother A is good for keeps.


This 90-day fast thing is not working. Last night, I fell to porn again. Not the anxious Boy-soul driven need to sexualize male intimacy, more of a self-pity anger reflex from trying to be intimate with wife on the phone, and having the conversation go sour. Nothing worse than getting all aroused and ready to climax, and then not be able to because of an argument.

There is a part of me that is afraid to look at porn of naked women alone (i.e. without a man present). Even in all of my risk-taking, that is a floodgate I am not willing to peek into. After confessing to wife later, I also told her that I'm still not masturbating to nude women alone, and I won't do so until she gives me permission.

Wife: Err... you mean give you permission to masturbate to sexual thoughts of other women? Oh! You mean like all of my Christian women friends give their husbands permission to masturbate to porn of nude women?

She makes me smile when she's funny like that.

A man and a woman: moaning with pleasure in intimate sexual and emotional embrace.

Turns me on. Big time. Will be me. And my wife. A few more days. I can't wait.

In the meantime, it's another Day 1 today. (Groan.)

Gotta get that Covenant Eyes installed. But I am so unwilling to pay for it.


  1. This...

    "There is a part of me that is afraid to look at porn of naked women alone (i.e. without a man present)."

    surprised me. Have you been looking at women-only porn with other men present? Or is that something that you're considering?

    I guess I can understand why you might be interested in doing that. It just seems like a pretty unconventional procedure. It's not something I've heard of before in the ex-gay millieu.

  2. Covenant Eyes has a hardship program if you want to check that out. They'll give it away to you if you can't pay for it. Just call them and ask.

  3. Kurt: I meant... "(i.e. without another man in the porn scene)"

    Luke: Wow. Covenant eyes comments on my blog! :-)

  4. Oh of course. I read it the wrong way.

    Generally speaking, I get lost when men (SSA or otherwise) talk about the visual component of male sexual response. I think I don't have that part going on to any significant extent. Maybe because I'm nearsighted? I don't know.

    The tactile part, I understand. Even the olfactory part. I remember reading once "I loved everything about him, even the way he smelled," and I could really relate to that.

    But the visual part of male sexuality, like negligees and mirrors on the ceiling and taking your binoculars to the nudist beach. There's something going on there that I just don't understand.

  5. Yeah, paying for Covenant Eyes is ridiculous. I want it too but I ain't paying for it. Brother K.

  6. Kurt: I've met a few men who have told me that they are not sexually connected visually, although the majority seem to be. Olfactory sense evokes the strongest memories, that we know from science. Hard to forget those. When Brother A hugs me, gives me a kiss on the cheek, it reminds me of how my father smelled. No kidding!

    Brother K: Did you see Luke's response above?

  7. hey guys,accountability software is worth what you pay for it. Bite the bullet. Pay for it.