It comes at the end of a busy period. Sometimes at the end of a busy day. And it seems to precede a time of lull.
Busy!--Busy!--Busy!--(-----)--Lull.
It has a voice and a message. It says,
I am tired.
I am worthless.
Nobody loves me.
There is no future.
The mind, the will, they know what to do: Take a shower. Read a Psalm. Pray. Go to sleep.
The body, the emotions, get more attention: The devil beating them up, taunting, bullying, jeering, pushing the mind, the will, into the background.
- - -
Saw Brother A for a few minutes. He asked me how I was doing. I knew he had to go. I knew I was not feeling the best.
When you feel bad and the person you need most to talk to shows up and then has no time for you... you feel like ramming your head against the wall.
I let him go without going into how crappy I felt.
Last night, it was my wife. Tonight, it was Brother A.
Last night, I fell to porn. Tonight, I will beat up the devil who is trying to beat up my body and my emotions. I will say, "you've been damned to hell!"
And I will go take a shower. Have a glass of wine. Listen to something soothing. Do some lectio divina. And go to sleep.
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ReplyDelete"I am tired.
I am worthless.
Nobody loves me.
There is no future."
sounds like Clinical Depression. Have you ever been treated for depression before?
I can definitely relate to this...
"When you feel bad and the person you need most to talk to shows up and then has no time for you... you feel like ramming your head against the wall."
That is exactly how depression has felt at different times in my own life. I feel an urgency to connect with people, but I can't seem to connect for one reason or another.
The good news about depression is it's always temporary.
Kurt,
ReplyDeleteAgain thanks for your concern. I have a feeling you might actually care about me. ;-)
No, it's not depression. I would know. ;-) I should add... depression is not always temporary. Feeling down, yes, but not clinical depression.
So you can relate to what I feel. How are *you* Kurt? Are you happy? Lonely? Good? Bad? You're a regular visitor, and aside from what little I've read about you on your blog(s), I don't really know you very much at all, nor how you're doing. So I'm asking. :-)
Yes, you're right. Depression is permanent for some people. How sad. But for most people it's temporary.
ReplyDeleteI've been treated for depression three times in my life, once at 25, once at 29 and once around age 45. Each time it lasted for about three weeks. I was told the first time I didn't qualify as "clinically depressed" because it didn't last long enough. I was fine with that.
I'm normally a very happy person, though. And I suppose that's because I have a lot to be happy about. Decent job. Good relationship. Lots of wonderful friends. Still have my hair.
I started reading ex-gay blogs because I was writing a murder mystery that involved an ex-gay character, and I wanted to try to get inside the head of this character. I'm still trying. I haven't finished the story yet. I've finished other stories, but not that one.
TCM, I'm so sorry we haven't connected this week. I still really want to do it. Are you still up for it? Love and miss you, Brother K.
ReplyDeleteKurt: I'm glad you're okay overall. Having hair is a good thing past 45! I would suggest the ex-gay murderer, in order to come across as convincing, have a TON of other social psychopathies, not just frustration from not being able to relate to the same-sex. Creepy. I would not want to read such a book. ;-/
ReplyDeleteBrother K: Yes I am up to it. Just email me.