It comes at the end of a busy period. Sometimes at the end of a busy day. And it seems to precede a time of lull.
It has a voice and a message. It says,
I am tired.
I am worthless.
Nobody loves me.
There is no future.
The mind, the will, they know what to do: Take a shower. Read a Psalm. Pray. Go to sleep.
The body, the emotions, get more attention: The devil beating them up, taunting, bullying, jeering, pushing the mind, the will, into the background.
- - -
Saw Brother A for a few minutes. He asked me how I was doing. I knew he had to go. I knew I was not feeling the best.
When you feel bad and the person you need most to talk to shows up and then has no time for you... you feel like ramming your head against the wall.
I let him go without going into how crappy I felt.
Last night, it was my wife. Tonight, it was Brother A.
Last night, I fell to porn. Tonight, I will beat up the devil who is trying to beat up my body and my emotions. I will say, "you've been damned to hell!"
And I will go take a shower. Have a glass of wine. Listen to something soothing. Do some lectio divina. And go to sleep.