Exodus Reflections (II)

[Exodus Reflections I: link]







Three things happened to me at the conference. One, I received new and helpful information on SSA. Two, I had some significant interactions with people and with God that helped me better understand where I am in my journey. Three, I left with a solidifying sense of purpose and calling going into the future.

1. New and Helpful Information

(a) Is Exodus Interested in Change?

In the opening talk, Alan Chambers asserted that the primary purpose of Exodus is not to change people from homosexuality to heterosexuality, but to holiness.

For a while, I had been frustrated when people fed me that same line whenever I told them about my change experience (that is, change in same-sex sexual desires). I felt that they were saying "we just want Christ, becoming heterosexual is not really possible anyway."

What's the point of Exodus if it is not focusing on change in SSA? I can find God and grow deeply in my spiritual walk through other ministries (and I have). Isn't getting rid of my unwanted same-sex sexual desires something that makes a ministry like Exodus what it is? If so, then why water it down?

When I asked Randy Thomas in a face-to-face why Alan Chambers would not consider sexual desire change to be important, he felt that I had taken Alan's words too far. He said that Exodus sees same-sex sexual desire change as a by-product of the pursuit of holiness, and what mental health professionals are doing to help sexual desire change is "complementary" to Exodus' goals.

As the conference went on, it became very obvious through the workshops, testimonies, books, etc. that Exodus is very much pro-change, pro-freedom-from-homosexuality, whatever you want to call it. But in their official stance, holiness is primary, not heterosexuality.

In the large worship hall where I saw close to a thousand people at various stages of their change experience all worshiping Jesus, it finally dawned on me that focus on sexual desire change should not be the main message. Holiness is the message. It turns our eyes to the author and healer of our souls: Jesus. I had assumed, as a follow of Christ, that my change comes from God, but not everyone in the auditorium did, and not everyone in the media watching Exodus' work does. The testimony of Exodus ought not to be about change in sexual orientation (although that is what Exodus is about: they prefer to call it "freedom from homosexuality"), it ought to be about Jesus. I learned something new and important about rhetoric in ministry and organizational leadership.

(b) Other New and Helpful Information on SSA

• Iron-clad biblical theology asserting heterosexuality as God's design and homosexuality as sin by Dr. Robert Gagnon (link)

• Randy Thomas' argument that we are now in a post-gay era, and the gay versus ex-gay dichotomy is just not a good reflection of what is really going on in people's experience and conceptualizations of themselves (link).

• Hearing a panel of speakers answer a question as to why despite years of freedom from homosexuality, some people still have "gay affectations." The answer from one very straight-acting panelist was that he had realized that he stuck with his effeminate behavior as a defense against fully embracing masculinity. When he finally confronted himself, then he was able to enter into masculinity in its fullness, affectations and all. Later, when I recounted the story to another attendee and told him that I am at the place where I actually really want to be a jock, his immediate response was: "Eew!"

• A bold document has been published by NARTH to hold the American Psychological Association accountable to research-backed statements which counter their early unsubstantiated statement that sexual orientation cannot be changed, it is harmful to try to change it, and there is no greater psychological dysfunction in the homosexual population. These are NARTH's opposing claims, with the document given to the APA: (1) There is substantial evidence that sexual orientation may be changed through reorientation therapy; (2) Efforts to change sexual orientation have not been shown to be consistently harmful or to regularly lead to greater self-hatred, depression, and other self-destructive behaviors; (3) There is significantly greater medical, psychological, and relational pathology in the homosexual population than the general population (link). Currently, the APA has set up a task-force to re-evaluate their earlier statement. NARTH researchers tried to get a representative onto the task-force, but APA did not allow it. It currently comprises only pro-gay activists. The task force will share their deliberation in the upcoming month or so.

• Hearing Nicolosi talk, I gained new insights about reparative therapy. His ideas are based on the latest empirically-supported understanding of psychotherapy interventions. I was impressed. One idea is that shame leads to homosexual enactment. So to help people overcome SSA, helping them overcome their shame response and cycle is crucial. I will be reading more about Nicolosi for sure. (Nicolosi: link)
  

(To be continued: 2. Significant Interactions with People)

Thou O Lord

Conversation from the recent past

Wife, awaken in bed: What are you doing up so late?

Me, sighing: I was looking at porn...

Wife: What?

Me: Yeah. I was looking at porn, but nothing. Gay, straight, male, female... nothing. It did nothing for me. (more sighing)

Wife, reaching out to hold my hand: You know, honey, you're desperately looking for something to fill you. Only one thing can do that: God.

Me: ...

Wife: That's what you really want. You want God to fill up the void that's been left open from the healing you've received.

Me: ...

Wife: ...

Me: I always knew there was a reason why God told me to marry you. He wanted to keep me on track with a woman after His own heart.

Then, we prayed.

Tonight

Instead of going to places where fulfillment can no longer be found, I went to God. These words came to me: Thou o Lord, are a shield about me.

I Googled. And found this...

Psalm 3:1-5 (KJV)
1 Lord, how are they increased that trouble me! Many are they that rise up against me.
2 Many there be which say of my soul, there is no help for him in God. Selah.
3 But thou, O LORD, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.
4 I cried unto the LORD with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. Selah.
5 I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the LORD sustained me.

And this...



Tears streamed down my face, my arms lifted high!

How many years has it been Lord that I have believed in the enemy's lie that there is no help for me; that there is no hope for change. I have cried to You for years for healing from these desires. I had lost hope, and clung desperately to obedience alone, because I knew that You desired my obedience more than sacrifice.

I never imagined THIS day would come when I would be completely healed of my homosexual attractions. Indeed, You have been a shield about me. You have heard my cries. You are my glory and the lifter of my head!

Fill me with Your Spirit, Lord Jesus. Teach me how to saturate my being with You until I desire Your presence more than food or drink. Let my soul sing songs of gratitude and praise to You all the days of my life.

Exodus

It came.
It went.

I have changed.
And I'll never be the same again.

All the experiences I've had over the past four months have come together through this week of interacting, listening, engaging, and processing. My heart and mind are filled to the brim and overflowing, unable to contain everything that the Lord has taught me. I have been blown into little pieces and then re-consolidated into a new and improved version.

Povia "Luca era gay" (Luca was gay) with translated lyrics
by svagel

A Response: Connecting With Other Men with SSA

In response to Summary Reflections #3, a brother emailed me and asked: "But---could you clarify what you mean by "connecting" with other men with SSA? And... does that include me?"

Below is my response to him.

---

Until a couple of weeks ago, I spent a good amount of time relating to men with SSA online. These are men such as yourself: Christian and wanting to change. I received something from these interactions although I am not quite sure what. An affirmation of my own change experience perhaps? A felt need to connect with other men who have experienced change so that my own experience does not feel quite so strange?

Anyway, let me answer your question by stating what I have learned over the last two months interacting with other men with SSA.

(1) Not everyone [read: Christian] is interested in experiencing change out of homosexual desires; some disbelieve me outright that this change is possible despite my constant ranting. Many seemed to prefer to argue and debate rather than to really try to understand what I am talking about.

(2) Not everyone cares to connect intimately. Some dissuade me from doing so--not healthy, they say, even though I keep telling them that what I am talking about is not sexual intimacy, and that it is precisely this kind of intimacy (vulnerable, physical, and non-sexual) with a straight, Godly man that has led to my healing.

(3) A small handful, like yourself and Rob Turner (The Architect's Garage) for instance, have stayed connected in a serious and committed way. And I have found it really rich and rewarding to be interacting with you folks.

(4) I started to notice that the same things were being uttered in blogs and online groups over and over again that I started to tire of engaging in the conversations. At first, I was very excited to get others to come take at look at this impossible pot-at-the-end-of-the-rainbow that I've found, but after a while (and after encountering many jaded responses) my excitement waned.

(5) I was spending so much time connecting with SSA men that I was sidelining my own work and family, not to mention my personal time with God. I decided to cut back, and when I did, I discovered that I was not missing the interactions, and my SSsA did not come back. My relationship with Brother A (and the small handful of other brothers) continues to deepen in intimacy and mutuality that these alone are enough to sustain my need for genuine and intimate connection with men.

At this point, I find myself with little desire to pursue other men with SSA for deepening intimate fellowship. The small handful of men that I'm already connected to (including you) is more than enough. This is not to say that I will not open myself to befriending those who want to befriend me. The point is, I will not chase after them any longer to try to offer them hope.

I think that's healthy for me.

I'm moving on with my very straight man-life. And I like it, a lot. I am looking forward to meeting some new friends, (...) but I am not interested in trying to convince anyone that change is possible. Maybe later, if God calls me to write a book or something. For now, I just want to live my very straight man-life and be fully present for all of its mundane ups and downs.

Last word: YOU are precious to God, and precious to me. I am glad you are in my life, and I look forward to connecting with you with increasing depth and godly intimacy.

Fast Forward: Farewell Brother A

I had never anticipated that it would come so quickly.

I had thought six months? A year?

Certainly not now. Not after having fallen head-over-heels in love with him only three months ago.

But it is here: I don't need him anymore.

The last 7 days of grieving did something tremendous within me. Like a raging fever, the grieving burned away all the relational-sick of my past. Someone reached into my stuck six-year-old inner self and pressed the "play" button...

...without a warning, everything fast-forwarded.

Three entire decades of emotional life zoomed pass me in one quick instant: zzzz..................... pp! And I suddenly arrived.

New, different, and fully my age.

I looked into the mirror. A very mature man stared back at me. I have never seen such confidence. Such knowing. So sure of himself. So forty something.

Just like that, I am a man.

And Brother A? He seems smaller now. More my size. Like all the other men that I used to adore and fantasize about, his allure has dissipated. The good-looking men are still good-looking. But now, they are more like shiny plastic food displays: nothing of value beneath the skin.

I have internalized Brother A. His smile is my smile. His chest is my chest. His penis is my penis. And most of all, his secure-male-self is my secure-male-self. And no one can take that away from me.

I bid farewell to Brother A because I don't "need" him anymore.

Things will be different for us now. Different, healthier, better.

That Being-Loved Feeling

Finally connected with Brother A. We talked for a long time, and prayed at the end with open eyes, peering deep into each others' souls as we connected with our Father God.

But...

Boy-soul was not very willing to come out at first. Angry. Hurt. Not willing to trust Brother A after the long time of felt distance. (You know, that whole defensive detachment thing.)

Brother A reached in, kept at it, pushing at times, pulling back at times. He let boy-soul talk. Air his frustrations, his insecurities, his hurt, and his deep need to be reassured.

Boy-soul softened after a while

Hooray Brother A -- you did it!

(That was my Adult-self talking.)

(Don't worry, this is not multiple personalities. Just metaphors.)

Boy-soul let Brother A in again. In to that soft, vulnerable place to which only God has access. Boy-soul needed it so much. We needed it so much.

And now, despite all the tiredness, all the helping-other-people's-problems, we are feeling good again. I am feeling good again.

Brother A loves me. I needed to know that. I needed to feel that. And now that I do, everything is okay again.

Not porn, not sex. Like a young boy desperate for the love and attention of his father, what I needed was love from a man I respect and with whom I can feel completely safe and vulnerable.

Brother A, we love you. All of us: boy-soul, adult-self, professional-self, caregiver-self, and most of all, brother-self.

Now, I am ready to go watch Star Trek.

Healing Potential Through Male Intimacy

Had a good chat with someone who has experienced healing in SSA and works in SSA-ministry as a professional. I probed him about the role of male intimacy, and he agreed that it was a key healing factor for him.

Jeff over at carleton1958.xanga.com wrote about male intimacy -- a worthy read, and some excellent comments as well.

Haydos over at Giraffe Pen seems to also be experiencing something similar.  

In my conversation with this SSA-ministry professional, he also talked about his heterosexuality being potentiated without him trying to force it.  The attraction to women just came to him out of the blue one day, after some time of receiving unsexualized fatherly-love from another man.  He relayed that it was a really weird experience for him when it came -- like experiencing adolescence for the first time, but way past the teens years.  His description sounded just like what I have been experiencing over the past 4 weeks (which still kind of freaks me out--I now have to work at keeping my eyes off women, and not be scared of the change and run back to my vomit).  

There is something here really worthy of being researched: non-sexual male-intimacy as a key factor in healing SSA.

Is this where You are leading me, Lord? 

Like a dog that returns to its vomit...

I fell on Sunday night. The computer people took off my accountability software as it was giving me problems. So on Sunday night, when I had some time alone, I decided to "check out my healing" by looking at porn.

The first time I did it, I noticed that I no longer had a sexual attraction to my usual stuff. In fact, seeing a "straight guy seduced" felt completely wrong to me at a visceral level. I turned to look at the heterosexual porn and found myself identifying with the guy, and enjoying the beauty of the woman. It aroused me greatly.

After confessing to wife what I did and praying for forgiveness together, we were able to make passionate love. I was completely present.

I had trouble sleeping. So in the middle of the night, I got up, and went back to the porn.

I think deep down, I was grieving the change.  Masturbating to male porn had been my friend for so many years.  It had offered me safety, relieve, and comfort (not to mention all kinds of feel-good chemicals in my brain).  But now, the attraction was gone.  At some level, I was grieving the loss and wanted the attraction back.

Like a dog that returns to its vomit is a fool who repeats his folly. (Prov. 26:11)

The fool doesn't think he is being foolish; he repeats his folly because that's what he is used to doing.  He has not learned new, adaptive behavior.  Trouble is, there are snares and there is real Enemy.  So the fool, if he is not careful, may lose his life because of his folly.

(Okay, back to the porn.)

At first I could not find what used to be there for me.  No attraction to this.  No attraction to that.  But I would not stop.  I kept on looking.  Then all of a sudden, there it was: two men in a most intimate loving posture, and it was sexual.

WHAM!

I fell.

It wasn't just a behavioral fall, like a quickie to relieve tension.  I really, really wanted to be with those guys.  It was a deep emotional and sexual longing.  And the desire lingered even to the next morning.

I looked for my vomit, found it, and the Enemy made sure that it got shoved all the way back down my throat.

- - - 

Brother A came to the rescue today.  I told him everything.  

At first, I didn't want to tell him.  It was as if my sexualizing of male-intimacy was a most serious affront to the holy love that we have for each other.  

When Brother A embraced me and forgave me (in Jesus' name), and reassured his love for me, it was as if Jesus himself embraced and forgave me and reassured me of his love.  It took a while for me to be able to accept it.  I was feeling deeply ashamed.  After some time of talking, shame finally turned into humble acceptance of forgiveness.

I don't want to go back to my vomit, ever again.  I've learned my lesson.  May God, in His grace, not take away the change that He has allowed me to experience over the past three weeks.

Update

It had been almost a month since I last wrote. Where am I?

I had to make some changes to my computer more than week a ago and I discovered that I could look at porn without alerting my accountability partner. And so I have been doing that frequently, at first, as an experiment to figure out my software, and then because I wanted to engage in it.

Over the past month, I have been isolating myself emotionally from other men. I have not met up with my accountability partners, have not had open, connected conversations. I suppose this means that I am struggling. Yes, I am. Busyness is a convenient excuse, but the core of the issue is the will. Let me explain.

I am discovering the importance of "choice" in my growth into manhood. My decision to "let loose" on internet pornography (to test my change, so to speak) revealed to me that although I have started to change, the change will not proceed without further effort/will on my part. I need to choose to change.

So, more recently, I have found myself looking at porn of men having sex with each other--something that I had never really enjoyed looking at. With extra time on my hands to surf, I have been able to find ones where there is a semblance of emotional intimacy between the actors, not just the raw act of sex. One could say that I have "gotten worse," but I am not sure if that is the case.

The new feeling of "being one of the guys" has come in genuinely. This has not been fabricated, I am glad to discover. I miss talking with my straight friend. It feels so good to experience his openness and acceptance of me with holy love. Talking with him about sex stuff while having him know the details of my same-sex struggles is one of the most healing aspects of my journey thus far. He loves me where it matters to me most. I miss interacting with him so much more than I want to masturbate to pornography. With him, the longings in my boy-soul is met; porn does not meet the deeper needs of my boy-soul.

I have wanted to write this post for a couple of weeks now, but busyness--and shame of needing to confess my recent porn habit--had kept me from doing so. But I am glad to have forced myself to write this. It is healing. Stops the isolation, so that I can proceed in my journey into manhood.

Once I publish this post, I will go and take care of my software vulnerability. Put a fence around the porn so that I don't tempt myself with awful, unhealthy candy that will rot my boy-soul and stop him from growing.

Experimentation & Accountability

Over the last week, I have allowed myself to look at porn several times. I wanted to let myself "loose" so that I could find out, without any shred of doubt, if I am truly changing.

This is what I've discovered.  5 points.

1. I *am* less attracted to men sexually.

I can see men having all kinds of sexual acts either alone or together, but I see it not so much with a sense of deprivation within me. I don't feel like I want or need the same. I see it as a little comical that the men should want to do something like that with each other rather than with women.

I used to find the right look in a man, and then fantasize having sexual relations with him.  No more.  Even the most perfect looking guy is just another guy to me -- a buddy.  Not a person who can really give me something by having sex with me.

This is a huge change. And I'm not pretending it.  It really is just happening.  And I am not sure exactly what has led to this change.  I have some ideas.

2. I am still able to get aroused by seeing men engage in sexual acts.

I can get aroused. Not quite as immediately as before, but I can. It's no longer an arousal that draws me to participate. It's more an arousal of plain sexual excitement. It's more... pure.  Innocent. Like a young kid would get an erection at the sight of another boy doing something sexual, but neither understanding what is happening to them except that natural feeling of sexual excitement. There is no need to masturbate in this kind of arousal.

3. I feel a strong need to have my male sexual-ness be affirmed by another man.

I don't mean just being affirmed as a guy. I mean specifically having a man--a straight man, by the way--directly approve me of my male sexual-ness. At the most "homosexual" end, it would be having the two of us masturbate together, but not needing to touch each other.  At the most "heterosexual" end would be having a coach-like figure scrutinize me masturbating or even having sex with a woman, and then give me a good score for it, and a pat on the back.  Somewhere in the middle would be for us to have sex together with a girl.

I want affirmation that I am male, at the very physiologically sexual level, and have other guys respect and like me because of my ability to carry out the sex act as a man.  That we like each other and affirm each other's sexual-ness.  The epitome of this experience is to have another man affirm me and even join me in orgasm (but not join me by having sex with me).  In other words, I don't want the other man's manhood, I want his brotherhood to affirm me where I feel least affirmed -- in my sexuality.

I think to the straight guy, this sounds gay. But in my mind, there is a world of difference. It's more like I am a young teenage boy who is just maturing sexually, and having some friends gather around to connect, affirm, and learn from each other by experimentation and comparison.  Very different from wanting to have sex with other guys.  This kind of activity leads the boys towards feeling good about themselves and then branching off into learning about girls.

4. I don't like most of the girls in porn.

I cannot objectify women. To see a woman go "ooh" and "ahh" while pretending to enjoy giving oral sex is simply fake.  Women want to be loved, to be cherished, to be held and told that they are beautiful.  The stuff in porn is for stupid guys (sorry, but it is).  Guys whose understanding of women don't go further than the length of their boner.  A girl who is begging a guy to give it to her for the sheer physicality... does any half-witted educated man really want that in a woman to love?

I suppose this is why I find myself most attracted to pictures of a man and a woman having sex that is in a close physical embrace, rather than the mere pounding of genitals.

5. Porn is still dangerous, no matter my orientation.

If I am not careful, I can get stuck in same-sex attraction by allowing myself to keep looking at porn, even if what I am looking for is more affirmation than attraction.

What I am afraid of is that if I stop looking at porn, will my same-sex attraction (as opposed to same-sex affirmation) come back?

I think I need to remain accountable to stopping porn.

Healing Words

He said:

"...nothing you reveal will change my commitment to care for and love you."

I heard:

"... neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate (us) you from (the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord) My love."

I wish I knew this love as a 12-year old.  From my father.  

He's gone now.  

But it's not too late.  

These words are real.  

I will accept them.  I will cherish them.

So deep, so full, so free.

I was looking at porn, but I was looking for love.

The former can never replace the latter.