Monday, February 9, 2009

Experimentation & Accountability

Over the last week, I have allowed myself to look at porn several times. I wanted to let myself "loose" so that I could find out, without any shred of doubt, if I am truly changing.

This is what I've discovered.  5 points.

1. I *am* less attracted to men sexually.

I can see men having all kinds of sexual acts either alone or together, but I see it not so much with a sense of deprivation within me. I don't feel like I want or need the same. I see it as a little comical that the men should want to do something like that with each other rather than with women.

I used to find the right look in a man, and then fantasize having sexual relations with him.  No more.  Even the most perfect looking guy is just another guy to me -- a buddy.  Not a person who can really give me something by having sex with me.

This is a huge change. And I'm not pretending it.  It really is just happening.  And I am not sure exactly what has led to this change.  I have some ideas.

2. I am still able to get aroused by seeing men engage in sexual acts.

I can get aroused. Not quite as immediately as before, but I can. It's no longer an arousal that draws me to participate. It's more an arousal of plain sexual excitement. It's more... pure.  Innocent. Like a young kid would get an erection at the sight of another boy doing something sexual, but neither understanding what is happening to them except that natural feeling of sexual excitement. There is no need to masturbate in this kind of arousal.

3. I feel a strong need to have my male sexual-ness be affirmed by another man.

I don't mean just being affirmed as a guy. I mean specifically having a man--a straight man, by the way--directly approve me of my male sexual-ness. At the most "homosexual" end, it would be having the two of us masturbate together, but not needing to touch each other.  At the most "heterosexual" end would be having a coach-like figure scrutinize me masturbating or even having sex with a woman, and then give me a good score for it, and a pat on the back.  Somewhere in the middle would be for us to have sex together with a girl.

I want affirmation that I am male, at the very physiologically sexual level, and have other guys respect and like me because of my ability to carry out the sex act as a man.  That we like each other and affirm each other's sexual-ness.  The epitome of this experience is to have another man affirm me and even join me in orgasm (but not join me by having sex with me).  In other words, I don't want the other man's manhood, I want his brotherhood to affirm me where I feel least affirmed -- in my sexuality.

I think to the straight guy, this sounds gay. But in my mind, there is a world of difference. It's more like I am a young teenage boy who is just maturing sexually, and having some friends gather around to connect, affirm, and learn from each other by experimentation and comparison.  Very different from wanting to have sex with other guys.  This kind of activity leads the boys towards feeling good about themselves and then branching off into learning about girls.

4. I don't like most of the girls in porn.

I cannot objectify women. To see a woman go "ooh" and "ahh" while pretending to enjoy giving oral sex is simply fake.  Women want to be loved, to be cherished, to be held and told that they are beautiful.  The stuff in porn is for stupid guys (sorry, but it is).  Guys whose understanding of women don't go further than the length of their boner.  A girl who is begging a guy to give it to her for the sheer physicality... does any half-witted educated man really want that in a woman to love?

I suppose this is why I find myself most attracted to pictures of a man and a woman having sex that is in a close physical embrace, rather than the mere pounding of genitals.

5. Porn is still dangerous, no matter my orientation.

If I am not careful, I can get stuck in same-sex attraction by allowing myself to keep looking at porn, even if what I am looking for is more affirmation than attraction.

What I am afraid of is that if I stop looking at porn, will my same-sex attraction (as opposed to same-sex affirmation) come back?

I think I need to remain accountable to stopping porn.


  1. Look forward to processing this post with you . . .

  2. These reflections are very important and I think you're on to something big. Not just for you, but for many of us struggling with SSA. Especially point 3. This part of the transition phase isn't really talked about, but I think I've had similar ideas/fantasies if you will. I'm trying to remember...I may come back to this post after a bit of time.

  3. Daniel, it's interestesting now that I re-read point 3, comparing where I was emotionally then to where I am now. I no longer feel a need to be affirmed in my sexual-ness as before. That need to be sexual and be affirmed by another man is no longer there. Somehow, it has been taken care of by the strong intense and pursuing love of a straight Brother in Christ. I am, as the days go by, feeling more and more assured of my maleness in all aspects. God is doing something really amazing in my life.

  4. i am realizing that sex is not what i am after. I crave the affirmation adn approval which come from embrace and there is something connecting and affirming about nudity, being seen and seeing, and for guys I know to say "you're ok" "your normal." I want to be normal, not weird, inadequate, less than the other guys. This has been my struggle since adolescence, maybe before...