Jots

Saw a very good looking guy last night who eyed-me out from head to shoe. There was an attraction there for me (emotional, and bordering on sexual). I stayed with it. Looked back at him. Undressed him with my mind [ref]. Saw his face when he took off his hat--he looked tired. He became all of a sudden, just another guy. The aura of the mysterious masculine left him, and my attraction for him, both latent sexual and emotional, dissipated.

But it was a close one. I was tempted to "white knuckle" and avoided the temptation to look. Had I done so, I think I would have been defeated. Face the mystique of the masculine head on, and you'll soon find yourself staring into a mirror.

Sex with wife was not the most passionate last night. Combination of tiredness and also the event with that good-looking guy. But she thoroughly enjoyed it, she said. I am glad! Not every sexual union has to have royal fireworks... for me.

Spent the morning fellowshipping and praying with wife while walking and exercising. Talked about all the new friends that I've made since starting this blog and joining another SSA-support online group. (Yes, she knows all of you by name, real or made-up!)

I found myself letting her run on the inside of the curb, so as to protect her. Something that felt really natural and manly to do, that I would not have really thought about doing before. Oh, last week, I also bought some materials and started to wash and polish my vehicles by hand. Another thing that I would have never done before but now love to do. Something about washing my cars by hand... feels so right... especially around the curves.

I am starting to be less and less interested in blogging like I used to. The need for it is gone. I told wife that there are two new directions to take now: (1) learning about manhood; (2) learning about fatherhood.

I am not so naive to think that SSsA will not come back to me. I am ready if that should happen and will chronicle it. But I think future posts will be more about entering into a discovery of what is manhood and what is fatherhood, from an experiential perspective (as always).

I need to get a few hours so that I can do my Summary Reflections #2.

Overcoming The Urge To Sexualize My Anxiety

Deadlines create anxiety for me: the fear of failure, I am not good enough. I medicate those feelings through sex. For me that has meant pornography and masturbation. I wrestled strongly with this anxiety over my deadlines as well as the urge to masturbate yesterday and today. And I've experienced victory.

Factors contributing to my victory today:

• Chatting with a fellow SSsA-struggler online
• Making the resolve to stick to my 90-day fast
• Being open and vulnerable here on my blog even if I can't do so in person with trusted Brothers
• Going to a public place to work, where I can see people and don't feel so lonely
• Giving myself short doable goals (short increments of paced-out work) so that I am not overwhelmed by the enormity of the task at hand
• Reminding myself that my anxious feelings and my genital aches (from having no sexual release of any kind for over 2 weeks) don't have to be associated
• Giving myself a break after a good chunk of many "short doable goals" accomplished -- like blogging now

I noticed that my sense of accomplishment has increased, and I am looking forward to continuing to work on my tasks. The desire to sexually medicate my anxiety is over. I still have the genital ache from no sexual release, but it's more physiological than emotional. I'll likely have a wet-dream one of these days, and that will take care of it. God's made my body to cope with the physiological needs that way.

I also noticed that I have been scanning women and thinking of them sexually--their beautiful bodies like delicious desserts. I wondered what was going on with my sexual attraction to men, and so I "tested" it. I found that it took about 10 seconds of "mental work" (i.e. forcing myself to look at and think of a man sexually) before any sexual arousal would emerge. And even after that, I felt a little grossed out at myself for doing it. With the women, it was pretty much automatic, and if I weren't Christian or married, I think I might have pursued a couple and propositioned them for sex. Oh man, here comes another beautiful one...

Like a dog that returns to its vomit...

I fell on Sunday night. The computer people took off my accountability software as it was giving me problems. So on Sunday night, when I had some time alone, I decided to "check out my healing" by looking at porn.

The first time I did it, I noticed that I no longer had a sexual attraction to my usual stuff. In fact, seeing a "straight guy seduced" felt completely wrong to me at a visceral level. I turned to look at the heterosexual porn and found myself identifying with the guy, and enjoying the beauty of the woman. It aroused me greatly.

After confessing to wife what I did and praying for forgiveness together, we were able to make passionate love. I was completely present.

I had trouble sleeping. So in the middle of the night, I got up, and went back to the porn.

I think deep down, I was grieving the change.  Masturbating to male porn had been my friend for so many years.  It had offered me safety, relieve, and comfort (not to mention all kinds of feel-good chemicals in my brain).  But now, the attraction was gone.  At some level, I was grieving the loss and wanted the attraction back.

Like a dog that returns to its vomit is a fool who repeats his folly. (Prov. 26:11)

The fool doesn't think he is being foolish; he repeats his folly because that's what he is used to doing.  He has not learned new, adaptive behavior.  Trouble is, there are snares and there is real Enemy.  So the fool, if he is not careful, may lose his life because of his folly.

(Okay, back to the porn.)

At first I could not find what used to be there for me.  No attraction to this.  No attraction to that.  But I would not stop.  I kept on looking.  Then all of a sudden, there it was: two men in a most intimate loving posture, and it was sexual.

WHAM!

I fell.

It wasn't just a behavioral fall, like a quickie to relieve tension.  I really, really wanted to be with those guys.  It was a deep emotional and sexual longing.  And the desire lingered even to the next morning.

I looked for my vomit, found it, and the Enemy made sure that it got shoved all the way back down my throat.

- - - 

Brother A came to the rescue today.  I told him everything.  

At first, I didn't want to tell him.  It was as if my sexualizing of male-intimacy was a most serious affront to the holy love that we have for each other.  

When Brother A embraced me and forgave me (in Jesus' name), and reassured his love for me, it was as if Jesus himself embraced and forgave me and reassured me of his love.  It took a while for me to be able to accept it.  I was feeling deeply ashamed.  After some time of talking, shame finally turned into humble acceptance of forgiveness.

I don't want to go back to my vomit, ever again.  I've learned my lesson.  May God, in His grace, not take away the change that He has allowed me to experience over the past three weeks.

A Long Post on Brother M

Brother M is one of my accountability partners. He tends to "M"eander when he talks. Likes to meander to conversations about "stuff" (home repairs, taxes, etc.) and also theology and evangelism. If what you are talking about sparks off some distant experience of his, Brother M might meander there and talk about that for 5 minutes, leaving you all confused as to what he is going on about. But if you wait long enough, he'll come back to the topic at hand with a little new insight he's drawn by connecting the original topic to his other distant experience. Only, you'd have to wait and listen to the whole thing before the connection is made and articulated.

I love Brother M. I sought him out one day at church three years ago and "forced myself" upon him. Said that I wanted to talk to him, get to know him, and have breakfast with him. After some time over breakfast [read: after some time of meandering around topics], he said "I get this feeling that there is something else you wanted to talk to me about." That was when I spilled the beans about my same-sex attraction.

His response?

He said that he was deeply moved by my honesty, and that he had had another experience from way back (no, he was not meandering that time) with a roommate at Bible College who confided in him that he was sexually attracted to him. Apparently that friend fully turned over to the gay lifestyle. He prayed for me, and I think he even patted me on the shoulder.

Over the past 5 months, I had been disappointed with Brother M. When I started this blog, I told him about it. But he lost the URL. I sent it to him again. Today, when I confronted him about it, he apologized for not following up on my blog.

We talked this morning, Brother M and I.  I shared with him about the changes that I've been going through since meeting Brother A. I also told him that I am connecting well with Brother B. "Both of them," I said, "are men who are emotionally intense and they don't give up." I explained to him what I am learning about defensive detachment. I explained to him that I get critical and intellectual when I am in the presence of other men, but that it is a shield of self-protection. I explained that I am now learning how to be vulnerable with men: to admit that I feel inadequate, to admit that I feel less-than as a man, and to admit that I really long for deep, intimate emotional connection with men.

In our prayer together this morning, I asked God to guide me as to my relationship with him. If it grows deeper, that I would be vulnerable and continue to risk putting my heart out there, but if it doesn't, then to just accept the friendship for what it is.

Before we parted, I told Brother M that I would let him pursue me now. After clarifying a bit more, he said that perhaps after he returns from his trip overseas we could meet up again (which would make it mid-May.) This was after our conversation in which I said--extremely vulnerably--that I wish I could just call him up on the phone when I was feeling weak or drop by and hang out at his house like a brother. This is a man whom I had been meeting up with regularly for over 3 years, and our families play together often. This is a man who knows everything about me. He could not even suggest that I could email, or call, or connect for a few minutes a couple of times a week.

Again, I was disappointed with him.

But here is the most amazing thing. Despite my disappointment, I did not feel hurt. Brother M is who he is. He does love me. He even said so this morning. But Brother M is typically guy. He likes "stuff" (home repairs, taxes, cars, bikes) and he's not exactly adroit in the realm of intimate relations, esp. between men. That's okay. I'll let my feelings sit for a couple of days. Then, I might decide to let it be, or to let go of my defensive detachment and pursue him. I know he would never turn me away. He really does love me. And he always thanks God for our time spent together, genuinely appreciating "learning new things" from our interactions.

I have never "pursued" a man in this way before. This would be a first. And I think it would be an act arising out of a place of healing.

Side note on male intimacy and sexual arousal [previous post here]: Brother M told me that he has had occasions too in the past when feelings of intimacy with another man would have led him to sexual (or sensual) arousal had he allowed it to continue. Brother M is straight as a log and has trouble keeping his mind off women.

Being Authentic As A Path To Healing

I need to be authentic on this blog.  I need to say what I really feel.  Honesty and authenticity is the only way I can move forward. 

Even in my deepest vulnerability and desperation, I don't want pity.  Nor the embarrassed reaction of an onlooker trying to cover up my naked shame.  

In reaching out with my bloodied hand, I am waiting for only the hand of the scarred healer to  reach back in full authenticity.

The raw nakedness will now be shown.  Parts still raw and bleeding, parts healing.  I'm telling it like it is.

I've masturbated twice in the past two weeks (the second one was today, an hour after I made my last post).  Both times, it was from fantasizing about being sexual with a straight man.  

The first time, I was drawn into sexual arousal from reading about a gay man becoming intimate with his straight friend and eventually "seducing" him to have sex.  The second time, I was desperate with a sense of anxiety over work, and I found a picture of a good-looking man (just some regular Joe, really, and fully clothed) and imagined being sexually intimate with him.

Both times, I was moved to masturbate out of a desire to be intimate with a straight man in a most vulnerable state.  These men don't even have to be naked for me to be turned on.  It's the fantasy of intimacy that is arousing, not the physiological sexuality.  I need to get this really, really clear in my mind, and not forget.

And yet...

I still feel more male than ever.  And I am not making it up.

I'll write about that in the next post.

Emotional vs Sexual Attraction

Today, I saw an ad on a website. Just a regular financial ad, but it featured a strong, good-looking man smiling and sitting on the top of a mountain.

I immediately felt a sexual attraction towards him. I went back to the ad and looked closely while I examined my own responses. My typical response (subconscious, mostly) would have been:

(1) I am different; I could never be like him

(2) Men like him don't think much of me

(3) I want to connect with him at his most vulnerable state: orgasm

(4) I see us having an orgasm together = He loves me

(5) I am accepted at the very core

Instead of the typical process, I tried something different. I allowed myself to adore the man in the picture, emotionally. I allowed these thoughts to naturally emerge from within me:

(1) "Wow, what a good looking man!" (without feeling shame about it)

(2) "I wish he would be nice to me and like me."

(3) "I wish I could just hang out with him."

(4) "It would be really nice if he would accept me fully just as I am."

(5) "I want to love him and have him love me too."

Paradoxically, when I allowed myself to feel the emotional attraction without any sense of shame or hiding over it, the feelings of sexual attraction subsided. The man in the ad was no longer intimidating and distant, nor an object of sexual fantasy. He was just a good-looking man, and I became fully aware of who I was: a boy-soul starving for male acceptance and love. Allowing myself to feel vulnerable, that is, sitting with my feelings of inferiority as a man, is helping me overcome my same-sex attraction.

Who would have thought this could be a pathway to healing???

Aside: It has some similarities to addictions recovery work. Perhaps I can reflect on that in my future posts. (Here is a blog on celebrating recovery.)

I do have a good-looking, strong man who loves me. My Brother (my straight male friend/mentor/brother). Whenever I have feelings of vulnerability, I don't need to go through the old typical response of dissociating from my vulnerable emotions and sexualizing through fantasy to connect. I simply have to be open and honest that I feel crappy and less than a man. And then remember just how much my good-looking, strong Brother loves me through and through (and would even give me a hug, and may even get sensually aroused by it). My need to fantasize sexually will go away, as it did today and likely in the same way for the past 3 weeks.

And when the old habit loses its grip, I can easily move on towards sexual wholeness.... that is, get myself ready for some really hot sex with my wife! Ok, that might have been a little raw, but hey... I haven't exactly been mincing my words on this blog.

Intimacy and "Sexual/Sensual Arousal"

Brother and I were talking about feelings of intimacy that is accompanied with feelings of arousal in the genitals.

Brother gets what I would call "sexual arousal" when he is intimate with another person (regardless of gender). But he calls it "sensuality," this tingling in the loins. It may even be accompanied with a mild erection and the release of seminal fluid. But to Brother, it is not sexual. There is absolutely zero percent interest in following through his sensual feelings into sexual acts when it comes to men. He is straight. Yet, he gets aroused genitally (whether one calls it sexual or sensual) when he is close and intimate with another man.

I get those feelings with Brother. When I am about to meet him, when he tells me he loves me with those soft yet emotionally strong eyes, and when I think about how much I love him. The heart gets achy and warm, and the tingling in the loins follow, and when I checked the last time, I noticed that I had a spot in my underwear.

Yet what Brother is giving me is permission to feel my bodily responses and not regard them as sexual. In a way, I am being re-trained to focus on the emotional connection without having it be sexual. And I think that may be a big factor in the healing I am experiencing.

Male Intimacy and Sexual Arousal

In my previous post, I wrote about the category g0y. I criticized it from a Christian perspective. But thinking about the spectrum of sexuality (hetero to homo) helps me to understand better my own sexual arousal.

I had talked in an earlier post about the "tingling sensation in the loins" when I feel emotionally close to a male person (which I will now refer to as "male intimacy" and "sexual arousal"). Brother said he gets that sensation too, even with men. I didn't know how to think through this matter, but then reading about g0y helped.

In one of the explanations to what is g0y, the author used the Kinsey Scale to substantiate that many men can be sexually attracted to other men. And the author talked about befriending very straight men who like women, and how he slowly got these friends to become intimate, and ultimately to have sex (non-anal) with him.

Note: Very straight men, being sexually aroused through feelings of intimacy with another man.

According to the Kinsey Institute, "Kinsey estimated that nearly 46% of the male population had engaged in both heterosexual and homosexual activities, or 'reacted to' persons of both sexes, in the course of their adult lives (p. 656, Male). 11.6% of white males (ages 20-35) were given a rating of 3 (about equal heterosexual and homosexual experience/response) on the 7-point Kinsey Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale for this period of their lives (Table 147, p. 651, Male)." [source]

Some men can become sexually aroused when confronted with male intimacy or sexuality, even if they consider themselves straight (perhaps anywhere between 1-3 on the Kinsey Scale above). Those who can't are at 0. Perhaps Brother is at 1, and I was at 5, but through his non-sexual love for me, I am becoming more heterosexual. Having the full male intimacy with Brother in which I cannot act on my sexual arousal (I let it pass over) is creating in me a new experience of being able to be intimate with other men and not be overwhelmed by my sexual feelings for them.

Another straight brother (B) whom I am opening up to in a very vulnerable way said that when he feels emotionally intimate with another person, he gets a burning in his chest, but no tingling in his loins. Even with women, the closer he gets to them, the less it is about sex. How different! Maybe one day, I can become like brother B. When that happens, I will be healed, completely.