Grief Reflected

I did not expect this change to happen.

I did not expect the emergence of anger to come about.

And I never expected this grief to hit me, so hard.

Yesterday, Brother A asked me to pray. I could not utter the words. Before long, I was a blabbering, sobbing mess. Deep pain.

Today, Bill Bright, founder of Campus Crusade for Christ, prayed a prayer on the radio for his staff members during his final dying days. I started to sob again, tears streaming uncontrollably down my face, my heart wrenching.

I don't understand this grief. So the rest of this post will not make sense. I only want to put down some disconnected thoughts. Perhaps it will come together, later.

When my father died, I went into slow motion. I spoke slowly, smiled slowly, moved slowly. I was numb. Something deep within me also died. But in its place a new freedom birthed: all that we think is important is not so important after all. And for a little while, I appreciated the grass, the trees, the little everyday conversations of everyday people.

Something within me has died. All those years of pain. The travail. How my father travailed and fought to keep his empire going while he battled his illness. And suddenly, it's all over.

Let the empire crumble now. And let the grasses and flowers and trees and little wild creatures grow all around it. Let the name of the empire be forgotten.

It's over. The battle is over.

And I weep.

Years of pain come together, congregating in my chest, and gushing out in heaves through my sobs.

I have nothing left to battle.

And something new has birthed.

When I sob, the pain echoes out of a place of intense thankfulness. How I have travailed over all these years. How I have fought to stay true to my decision not to give in to a homosexual lifestyle. How hard it had been to put on a grown man's face everyday over these years. How tired I am. How good God has been to me all of that time.

Second Timothy Chapter Four Verse Seven.

And now, my crowning glory.

Yet, I am barely able to stand and wear it.

: more sobs :


Brokenness.


How are you doing, boy-soul?
How are YOU doing, champ?
I am tired. So tired.
We know.
We? Who is we?
Me, boy-soul, and all of your other little childhood selves. We, know. And we are all here.
Oh.
We are all here for YOU, champ!

Boy-soul, and all my little childhood selves. They look so tall, so grown up, so masculine, so together. And they are here for me? I don't have to keep up with external appearances to protect them anymore? My inner child(ren) have grown up?


The battle is over. And I sob.

Why did I sob over Bill Bright's prayer?

Because he prayed as a father. Because he prayed over his "sons" in ministry. Because his "sons" were ready to take over the mantle of his ministry. Because he prayed that they will be men of God. MEN of God. And because God wanted you to hear that prayer, and so you did, and you received it, into your heart, oh MAN of God.

"Father, Father, Holy Father. We bow in reverence before Your majesty. We are in awe of Your greatness. When we think of who You are, we realize how little we are, how small in comparison. And yet even when we were yet in our sins, You died for us. You love us. You delight in us. And I thank You that in Your sovereignty, You chose Dennis and Bob to do what they are doing. And You've anointed them and given them favor, and great blessing. And I ask Holy Father, You'll keep them pure. Keep their motives pure, their hearts pure. Their attitudes, their desires, their actions above reproach. That they, Bob and Dennis, will be MEN OF GOD after Your heart. There will be no sin in their lives that will hinder Your working in and through them. That as they speak day after day, to millions of people--and that number, oh gracious God, I pray will increase by the millions--they will be channels of Your love, Your forgiveness, Your grace to the multitudes of earth. I pray for the day their ministry will literally encircle the globe. Where millions upon millions will be drawn closer to You, will love You, and trust You, and obey You because of their influence. Lord Jesus, bless their families... their families and the children's children's children yet unborn. That they may always love You, serve You, trust You, obey You. And that the legacy of these men will go on and on until You return. Blessed Holy Father, thank You once again for these men whom You've chosen, whom You've anointed, whom You've empowered. And may all glory, honor, worship and praise go to You. For we pray it in the name of the One whose name is above every name, the Lord Jesus Christ, Amen."

[Actual interview and prayer can be downloaded here.]

I feel the Lord saying to me: Well done, good, faithful, and broken servant. You are now ready to serve Me.

Anything You want, Lord. I am and have always been Yours. Now more than ever before. Anything You want.

That Being-Loved Feeling

Finally connected with Brother A. We talked for a long time, and prayed at the end with open eyes, peering deep into each others' souls as we connected with our Father God.

But...

Boy-soul was not very willing to come out at first. Angry. Hurt. Not willing to trust Brother A after the long time of felt distance. (You know, that whole defensive detachment thing.)

Brother A reached in, kept at it, pushing at times, pulling back at times. He let boy-soul talk. Air his frustrations, his insecurities, his hurt, and his deep need to be reassured.

Boy-soul softened after a while

Hooray Brother A -- you did it!

(That was my Adult-self talking.)

(Don't worry, this is not multiple personalities. Just metaphors.)

Boy-soul let Brother A in again. In to that soft, vulnerable place to which only God has access. Boy-soul needed it so much. We needed it so much.

And now, despite all the tiredness, all the helping-other-people's-problems, we are feeling good again. I am feeling good again.

Brother A loves me. I needed to know that. I needed to feel that. And now that I do, everything is okay again.

Not porn, not sex. Like a young boy desperate for the love and attention of his father, what I needed was love from a man I respect and with whom I can feel completely safe and vulnerable.

Brother A, we love you. All of us: boy-soul, adult-self, professional-self, caregiver-self, and most of all, brother-self.

Now, I am ready to go watch Star Trek.

Undo

I'm looking through movie trailers, wondering if I should go and watch one.

Just seeing the good-looking people on screen incites some sexual excitement within.  Crazy.  They are not even doing anything, just standing and talking.  Why does it illicit such a response in me?

Neurons.

I've been connecting and creating neural pathways in my brain that associate fantasy with sexuality.  Movies are very fantasy like.  Good-looking folk up close and personal, displaying their deepest emotions on screen for you, like they are in bed with you, sharing with you their hearts.  Worse, the lighting is perfect and so is the soundtrack.  Better than life, actually.  But not life.  Just fantasy.

I have a friend (also ssa struggler) who stays away from anything tempting.  He doesn't ever go to the beach anymore because it is a place of temptation for him.  Another can never step into a shopping mall.  Because of his advice, I stopped using the gym showers.  So, now that I am having a sexual feeling from watching movie trailers, should I also avoid ever going to the cinema, even for a PG-13 movie?

I don't think it is realistic.  The issue is a matter of the heart.  Perhaps abstinence for a temporary period would be a good thing.  But if the world--which is highly sexualized--is a problem for me, should I avoid it completely?  Or should I be healed within so that I can be in the world even though I am not of it?

I will decide to go and watch this movie if I feel that the time spent will be better for my soul, which includes some "me-time."  I enjoy watching a meaningful movie that lets me think about life more deeply.  If it sets off a "cycle" for me, then I will deal with it here, on this sanctified blog.  I will write about it, process it, and watch the cycle pass over.

In the meantime, I feel like a cow that has not been milked for weeks.  The last time I went without sex for a while, I had a wet-dream.  It was a relief, but it was also disturbing because the sex came into my mind in technicolor, 3D, and with all the physical sensations.  But at least, I did not need to blame myself for it.  That helped me to keep my spiritual integrity.

The wife continues to be in trauma mode.  And I... all I can do is walk with Jesus, one step at a time.

Turn me around, pick me up, undo what I've become

Bring me back to the place of forgiveness and grace

I need You, need Your help, I can't do this myself

You're the only one who can undo what I've become

My Acceptable Fast

My loins are aching, my heart is aching.  It has been a week since I last had any sexual release.  The lesser temptation is to succumb to internet pornography.  Or perhaps masturbation without pornography.  The greater temptation is to ignore my feelings and go and do work.  I know if I gave in to the greater temptation, my need for a sexual release will come back to bite me, hard.  Why? Because if I just ignore it, I am going into isolation.  Not calling out for help when I need it.

And I do need it.

My wife does not want to have sex with me.  Anything remotely sexual will set off past trauma.  Even in her dreams she is being traumatized.  Today, she tells me that she is feeling sick, so sick she could not read to the kids.  I sent her off to bed with a hug, and an empty feeling.  No, not "no feelings," but a feeling of "empty."  Like a eunuch, with his manhood cut off.

The last time I was very sober (or pure, or not acting out — there never seems to be a good word for it), I remember that I had forgotten what my sexual organ looked or felt like.  I went for months without masturbating or paying any attention to it other than to wash or to urinate.  It was a wierd feeling, not to be intimate with your friend down there when you have known him so well–sometimes several times a day–for so many decades.  But what I was able to do in my purity (I’ll use the terms interchangeably) was turn to God.  I was able to pray on command with no sense of guilt or remorse.  And it was rewarding to be able to do that because I was regularly helping other guys with their own walk in sexual purity.

I don’t have regular sexual purity groups to run.  Have not in over half a year now.  The result of which is that my journey in purity feels empty, purposeless.

But I know it’s not purposeless.  It is better to be pure than to allow lust to control my life.  God WILL bring people into my life whom I am called to help.  I need to trust that this journey I make has a greater purpose than just to suffer and to know His suffering; that it has some practical value.  Hmm.  Actually, sexual purity does have practical value even if I am not running a sexual purity group.  I am a more ready and armed servant of God.  I am useful in His kingdom on command, without feeling like I need to first repent and get right with God.

I need to pray more.  Turn my physical and emotion aches into prayer to God.  Draw close to Him.  Consider this my "acceptable fast."