In that time, I have masturbated twice, and once I fell to pornography online -- last night.
One of the biggest hindrances to purity is not to have accountability. And so, I am taking some time to write this, and to be accountable again.
As for the porn last night, I found myself interested more in the memory of what I used to enjoy rather than what I was seeing right there and then. The more I work to help other men overcome their own SSA, the less I find SSA appealing. Even the most attractive male figure feels to me now as "just another man." The strength, the security, the power that I used to attribute to them no longer seem quite so potent.
In a sense, over the past two weeks, I was more affected internally when I fantasized those two times than when I looked at porn. When I see the men in flesh with my eyes, they look... well, like me. And I certainly don't quite see myself as the masculine savior that I project onto the men I fantasize about (not real people, usually images that I have seen in pictures or old memories of porn when I used to be really given into it).
I think I am changing, on the inside. Why? Because when I looked at the porn, I saw no so much men that have attributes I don't have, but that their attributes are not very different from my own--and thus, not so attractive to me anymore.
I am wondering if I am indeed growing into manhood at a deeper level?
Right now, I really do feel like a man, and can hang out with other men, even the crude ones that drink, smoke, and ogle at women. I think I can even connect with them at the unspoken emotional level, and have them feel like I am one of them. Why? Because I feel that way, especially after my experience of looking at porn last night (mostly of straight men), and feeling like I am just looking at one of my friends, and I am not really very different from them.
Am I beginning to self-identify with straight men at the core of who I am?
The only thing that I am afraid of doing now is to begin fantasizing about women. I want to do that. I want to look at women on the internet and masturbate to fantasies about having sex with them. Yes, I have a wife, and I can make passionate love with her, but aside from her, I have not allowed myself to fantasize about women, even though I am starting to think that maybe I should.