Thursday, January 1, 2009

Potentiating Heterosexuality

Before I went to sleep last night, I prayed for the Lord to give me some sexual release in my dreams. I did not get a wet dream, but I did get sexual dreams. Several of them, but I only remember the last one.

I dreamt of being at the coffee shop I am at now (I often come here to study). I went into the washroom and there were girls standing at the urinal. Blond, thin, beautiful. I went to the one at the corner, and another blond girl with long straight hair stood next to me. She undid her zipper and proceeded to pee like a man. I was really curious how they were doing it. I peered over and looked, and she was simply peeing out of the zipper, out of her female genitals. It was a bit messy for them. As I was about to leave, she got angry at my curiosity, aimed at me and peed in my hand. Disgusting. Mostly disgusting that these women acted so much like men.

What was interesting about the dream was that earlier yesterday, when I went to the mall to return something, I was attended by two blond girls. The one on the right helped the one on the left to sort out a problem, then smiled at me. I was looking at them both and wondering who was prettier. Clearly the one on the right. When she smiled at me, I felt for just one second, the possibility that I might like to make out with her.

I'm going to let this attraction sit and not drive it away. From all of my research and consultation, this is a normal process of "potentiating heterosexuality." The risk here is that with my wife unable to be intimate with me, I might begin to fantasize and dream of having sex with other women, more beautiful than her. Dangerous isn't it? I a little danger. And I serve a God who is a lot bigger than anything I could possibly ever imagine myself doing. I want to be straight, and have all the "normal" temptations that straight men have. If this is what it takes, so be it.

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