Saturday, January 31, 2009

Pausing & Falling -- And Changing?

I had put a pause in accountability reports last week so that I can attend to the project I am working on.  It has been almost two weeks since I put on that pause.

In that time, I have masturbated twice, and once I fell to pornography online -- last night.

One of the biggest hindrances to purity is not to have accountability. And so, I am taking some time to write this, and to be accountable again.

As for the porn last night, I found myself interested more in the memory of what I used to enjoy rather than what I was seeing right there and then.  The more I work to help other men overcome their own SSA, the less I find SSA appealing.  Even the most attractive male figure feels to me now as "just another man."  The strength, the security, the power that I used to attribute to them no longer seem quite so potent.  

In a sense, over the past two weeks, I was more affected internally when I fantasized those two times than when I looked at porn.  When I see the men in flesh with my eyes, they look... well, like me.  And I certainly don't quite see myself as the masculine savior that I project onto the men I fantasize about (not real people, usually images that I have seen in pictures or old memories of porn when I used to be really given into it).

I think I am changing, on the inside.  Why?  Because when I looked at the porn, I saw no so much men that have attributes I don't have, but that their attributes are not very different from my own--and thus, not so attractive to me anymore.  

I am wondering if I am indeed growing into manhood at a deeper level?

Right now, I really do feel like a man, and can hang out with other men, even the crude ones that drink, smoke, and ogle at women. I think I can even connect with them at the unspoken emotional level, and have them feel like I am one of them.  Why? Because I feel that way, especially after my experience of looking at porn last night (mostly of straight men), and feeling like I am just looking at one of my friends, and I am not really very different from them.

Am I beginning to self-identify with straight men at the core of who I am?

The only thing that I am afraid of doing now is to begin fantasizing about women.  I want to do that.  I want to look at women on the internet and masturbate to fantasies about having sex with them.  Yes, I have a wife, and I can make passionate love with her, but aside from her, I have not allowed myself to fantasize about women, even though I am starting to think that maybe I should.

Should I?


  1. I would say you shouldn't, but that you shouldn't feel shame if you start falling to heterosexual temptation. It shows a change...growth even.

  2. Today, I had a hell of a time trying to avoid the boobs of a very attractive young woman. I am starting to see some rationale to burkas. (just kidding, but sort of not...) :-P