Friday, January 2, 2009

When I Don't Write

A long day of work today.  I started my day by writing in this blog.  I wrote because I was wanting to masturbate--some kind of anxiety surrounding work.  Writing helped.

At the end of my work day, I felt good about having been productive, but I also felt down.  At that point, I should have blogged again, but I thought I would not write so much and create more burdens for my readers.  And that's when I fell.

Triple X Watch has some loopholes.  For instance, it doesn't catch when I look at sexual images on Wikipedia.

Oops.  Too late, another secret out.

I fell in terms of succumbing to Wikipedia images.  But not to masturbation.  Those images are pretty benign compared to the other stuff I used to look at.  But still, I fell.  Or maybe "almost fell" because my bottom line is masturbation.

I moved on to other things, caught up on my blog subscriptions.  That helped.

But at the end of that, I felt down again.  Empty.  I still wanted to masturbate.  

The wife is not available to me, and I am still weary of going close to her.  At any time, she might react again and hurt me more.  It helped that she apologized today and tried to make up for it.  It showed that I am not insane to think that she is an emotional wreck.  But it doesn't make relating with her any easier.

It's 2 a.m.  I need to sleep so that I can wake up on time to exercise.  But I felt I needed to write, to process.  Because when I don't write, I seem to fall.

Question is: Are you reading?  And is this too much?

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