That Being-Loved Feeling

Finally connected with Brother A. We talked for a long time, and prayed at the end with open eyes, peering deep into each others' souls as we connected with our Father God.

But...

Boy-soul was not very willing to come out at first. Angry. Hurt. Not willing to trust Brother A after the long time of felt distance. (You know, that whole defensive detachment thing.)

Brother A reached in, kept at it, pushing at times, pulling back at times. He let boy-soul talk. Air his frustrations, his insecurities, his hurt, and his deep need to be reassured.

Boy-soul softened after a while

Hooray Brother A -- you did it!

(That was my Adult-self talking.)

(Don't worry, this is not multiple personalities. Just metaphors.)

Boy-soul let Brother A in again. In to that soft, vulnerable place to which only God has access. Boy-soul needed it so much. We needed it so much.

And now, despite all the tiredness, all the helping-other-people's-problems, we are feeling good again. I am feeling good again.

Brother A loves me. I needed to know that. I needed to feel that. And now that I do, everything is okay again.

Not porn, not sex. Like a young boy desperate for the love and attention of his father, what I needed was love from a man I respect and with whom I can feel completely safe and vulnerable.

Brother A, we love you. All of us: boy-soul, adult-self, professional-self, caregiver-self, and most of all, brother-self.

Now, I am ready to go watch Star Trek.

More on Defensive Detachment

A man of my people
Elected to the council
Saying a prayer over us

Why do I reject you?

You are not a ghost from my past
I don't even know you
And yet I've demonized you

I accept you

My heart turns soft and vulnerable
Your words of blessing come alive
I am isolated no more

Summary Reflections #1 (Dec 08 - April 09) -- Part 2

[ .../ continued from Part 1 ]

4. God’s Love “In The Real”

I can’t remember exactly what we were doing at the time, but twice when I was with Brother A, I asked the Lord if there was a purpose for me in meeting him in person. I had a strong impression in my heart that God wanted to or was going to show me His love “in the real.” The words “in the real” were so clear I could almost hear them with my ears.

God’s love? In the real? What does that mean?

I love Jesus. I had seen first hand God’s power demonstrated through miracles. I had learned how to enter into God’s presence through prayer and worship and let His Fatherly love fill my soul. But it never crossed my mind, not even once, that God might want to bring that awesome love and power to me in the real through an actual human being. And I certainly never imagined just how incredibly captivating and intoxicating God’s Fatherly love would be when expressed through a real person. Loving a gentle yet strong and mature God-loving man like Brother A--who loves me back deeply--has been like falling in love with Jesus. It is turning my life around in ways I never imagined possible.

5. Defensive Detachment

The more I fell in love with Brother A, the more I became deathly afraid of losing him. To protect myself, I began to defensively detach from him: breaking off the relationship first to avoid the pain of having him break it off with me. I did it in subtle ways, convincing myself each time that the decision was rational and noble [post, post].

Thankfully, Brother A had read about defensive detachment [post] and recognized it when it was happening with me. Each time I pulled away, he moved closer towards me. I kept doubting and questioning his love for me. Why me? What did I do to deserve this amazing love? Intensely engaged yet respectfully gentle, he convinced me again and again that his love for me was real. He did not give up pursuing me. And the more he pursued, the more I began to trust.

To this day, I still struggle with the fear that Brother A might leave me at any time despite all the evidence pointing to the contrary. But I know that the fear comes from the insecure boy-soul in me, desperate to be loved by a father like Brother A, and still recovering from the decades of verbal, physical, and emotional abuse suffered under the hands of significant men in my life.

6. Fear of Men vs. Love of Men

God’s love in the real through Brother A is giving me enough self-worth to admit something I have always denied: I fear masculine men because I don’t feel masculine enough in myself. This makes a great deal of sense because I have ever only been really attracted to men whom I feel have masculine characteristics that I don’t have. I see it now more clearly than ever before: for all these years, I have been “homosexualizing” my desire for masculinity. And I am beginning to realize now that I don’t need to do that!

Brother A’s deep, genuine love for me seems to be repairing my fear of and lust for masculine men. I found myself going to the gym and seeing “boys” everywhere. When I saw a guy who was sexually attractive to me, I looked at his face and saw the “boy” behind the masculine intimidating-thus-sexually-attractive figure. Immediately, the attraction was gone! [post]

I still get flashes of sexual attraction to guys from time to time. But now, instead of lusting after them in some unrealistic fantasy, or white-knuckling the sexual feelings, I do the following:

1. I accept and embrace my masculine insecurities in the same way Brother A accepts and embraces me
2. I perceive the men’s masculine qualities to be a God-given gift that I also want
3. I admit that I want to draw close to them and be like them
4. I imagine them connecting with me and opening up to me (which I am finding happens a lot when I don’t push them away)
5. And I immediately recognize that they are just “one of the boys” like me

Each time I have gone through the steps above, the sexual attraction leaves, replaced by an attraction that is non-sexually relational. This non-sexually relational attraction causes me to want to hang out and talk with these men, drink beers, play sports, laugh, and just be one of the guys and enjoy being together. And I have no desire to have sex or be sexual with them in any way.

7. Potentiating Heterosexuality

Probably one of the most surprising and least understood processes that I am experiencing is my sudden attraction to women. I see beautiful and gorgeous women everywhere! I used to be somewhat attracted to beautiful Bollywood actresses (their Aryan features combined with their Asian softness was a perfect blend for me) but generally, women did not do much for me sexually.

But now, I find all kinds of women attractive—even the loud, brash ones. I am seeing them in a whole new light. I want to say nice things about them and see them smile and blush under the power of my manliness. It is not so much a desire to toy with them, but rather I sense that they need to be cared for, especially the ones that look like they could really use a little bit of loving attention.

The sexy-looking ones, however, is another story altogether. I feel a strong lust towards. I just want to rip off their clothes and devour their gorgeous bodies. I imagine them moaning with pleasure under my touch, and… okay, that’s going too far. Yes, I am objectifying them. It’s something that men struggle with, okay?

Did I just write that?

Yes, I did. Dang!

8. What’s Next?

I really don’t know what’s next. I never expected to experience all the change that I started to experience since meeting Brother A. I don’t know how deep or how long-lasting this change will be. I just want to be like soft, vulnerable clay, pliable and moldable in God’s good hands. If the homosexuality returns with full force, so be it. If it goes away completely, hallelujah!

As far as I am aware, a part of me still grieves the loss of my old pattern [post]. It’s comfortable; I know it well. Sure I love this new me [post], but it’s very new and I’m not used to “wearing” it. Feelings of insecurity still come from time to time and beckon me to masturbate to fantasies of masculine men even though I no longer find that compelling. And because it is no longer compelling, I can avoid it easily. I only need to sit with this feeling of loss, which in itself is not very comfortable.

A part of me tells me that I should start masturbating to fantasies of women, especially on my work trips away from my wife. If only I were 13 again and had 5 years to experiment with my newfound masculinity, I would let my hormones go wild. Well, I can celebrate at least that sex with the wife is simply amazing. I am so glad I am married. I don’t know what I’d do if I were to experience all of this as a single man.

Lastly, the boy-soul who longs for father-intimacy is still there, albeit growing incredibly quickly. I worry that the growth might be too quick. Thank God I still have Brother A… and brother B [post], and Brother M [post], and now a host of SSA brothers that I’ve recently connected with [post]. With intimate community support, maybe this change can take place for real and for good.

And so, I journey on. I hope the next four-five weeks won’t be quite as intense as the past four-five weeks because I am exhausted from all this change and processing. As much as this is one of the most exciting things that is happening to me in my life, I need a break.

[End of Summary Reflections #1]

The Insanity Within

WTF!

The more I try to sort through my feelings, the more I get caught up in a loop.

I only know this: The same-sex attraction I used to feel is gone, and has been gone now for two whole weeks.

And this: I am scared to hell of what is happening to me.

Other that those two things, I don't know anything else. I don't know if Brother is changing; or if I should visit him; or if I am being too much for him; or if he really loves me; or if I am too much of an imposition; or if he is scared of me; blah blah blah.

Turn Brain On.

I'm going to walk away from my attachment to Brother. Let's see where this will take me. If the same-sex attraction comes back, well, I've lived with it for decades. Nothing new.

Come what may, I am Yours, Lord. I have always been.

- - -

One more thing: I have a hunger right now to go play basketball. I have never felt this before. Ever.

Moving On: The Next Steps

For the past week, I have been caught in an emotional frenzy like I had not experienced before. An attachment of mostly make-belief. Perceptions.

The attachment is not real, like a door or a shoe. It's all in my head. Just neurons and chemicals. I do not need to let it continue to rule my emotions the way it has, even though the experience has been beneficial. I believe I have learned the lessons that God wanted me to learn.

One. I have a deficit of healthy male-attachments since childhood. It has made me shield myself off from being vulnerable and real with men. When stressed, I isolate and look to porn for comfort. I need to stop that.

Two. I have attached myself to someone who had only committed himself to keep me accountable from porn for a limited time. He never asked to be an attachment figure. I am making him out to be a whole lot more than who he agreed to be with me. I need to stop that.

Three. I look like a man. I smell like a man. I make love to a woman like a man. And I even garner deep respect from many men. I am already healed. Now, I need to walk in my full manhood: honest, vulnerable, strong, and above-all, Spirit-filled. I need to start that.

Moving on.

-----

Today, I called one accountability partner to have lunch with him. Rather than to get frustrated with him given his simple pat answers, I will allow my heart to be soft towards his caring (because he does care) and be vulnerable. If he freaks out, then I'll know it's time to find myself a different brother, one who is indeed called to walk with me.

Tomorrow, I will call another accountability partner. I'll tell him how I felt hurt by his abandonment when I needed him most--how he said he would follow up with me, but then failed to do so. I will tell him what I need in that relationship and ask if he can do it. If he can't, then I'll thank and keep him as my internet-accountability partner, but find myself another brother with whom I can walk much more closely, one who will not abandon me.

Tonight, I found some resources online. I will begin to spend my free time reading all I can about complete healing of my SSA. It's time to put my analytical brain to the task. Scary!

-----

Resources:

- In His Fullness. Their resources section has a list of recommended readings, including movies.

- Exodus International's Library for prevention and recovery from homosexuality.

Being Vulnerable with Men

It is interesting how I have had no desire for pornography over the last 5 days. The desire has instead been replaced by a desire for male companionship; for my brother, certainly, but seeing how he has his own life to live, I'm allowing other men to come in as well.

Today, I let two men in. The first was older. I noticed his softness, kindness, and a desire to connect. He reached out to compliment me on something. Instead of putting up my usual tough analytical veneer, I remained vulnerable. Something must have worked because the more we talked, the more physical he got. I did not touch him once, but I counted him touching me with increasing frequency, probably close to 15 times in the 10 minutes of conversation.

I imagined him propositioning me. I imagined what it might be like if he were gay and made a move. Flashing thoughts. I let them pass through. Then, I focused on feeling the acceptance he was trying to give me in a non-sexual man-to-man way. It was nice. Like soft, warm sunshine on baby skin. In the past, I would have scared off someone so touchy-feely with my angry analytical look, and I would have missed receiving the affirmation.

The second man was my age. He was philosophical and abstract. Yet, clearly open to connecting. I made the move this time, asking questions, offering encouragements. I gave him love and acceptance in my usual helper style. He was touched (because he was open to be touched). And I felt good to have been the giver, though no where as nice as being the receiver. There were flashes of sexual thoughts, but again I let them pass through. Focused on the conversation, on just connecting on an intimate emotional level, man-to-man, and non-sexually.

As I lie to sleep, I feel a little less anxious and lonely than I did last night. My brother is not around, and I have no heard from him. Haven't heard from him in almost 24 hours! Can you believe that??!! What is he thinking, treating me as if I am a normal well-adjusted man???Doesn't he know that I'm a needy freakazoid right now and desperately need his affirmation 24/7??!! But I feel okay.

This is a new realization to me: I have been shutting myself off from receiving affirmation from men. I will try to be more open and vulnerable emotionally with other men and see what happens. I know that it means that I will become more vulnerable sexually, but I will trust that the Lord will not allow me to be tempted beyond what I can bear. I trust this is the Lord's leading.