Thursday, April 2, 2009

Isolation Is Not Good For Healing

I am feeling a sense of withdrawal.  In the past, it would have been clear what I wanted: to go look at porn of men.  Straight men, mostly.  But today, I am not sure what I am feeling a withdrawal from.

I guess I am feeling like I need to talk to someone.  A straight male friend who is capable of connecting intimately.

I am feeling isolated.  That's what it is.

And it has something to do with work stress.  I need to get going on a project and I am feeling a little nervous about it.

My typical pattern has been: I feel insecure/inept, I want to go look at porn and/or masturbate, then I feel better and I get to work.  The same pattern I've had before, but with a difference today.

Instead of wanting to go to porn and masturbating, I have an internal desire to just connect intimately with my brothers.  Tell them how I am feeling.  Allow myself to be vulnerable.  Have them pray for me.

(There is a new brother in my life.  I will call him brother B, and my "first" Brother that I've been blogging about, I will call Brother A.  And tomorrow, I will meet up with one of my accountability partners and see if I can also connect with him intimately.  If so, that will be three straight male friends that I can be authentic and vulnerable with.)

Anyway, Brother A and brother B are probably busy right now.  So, I'm resorting to this quick post to get my feelings out.  The last thing I want to do is to stuff this feeling down, and then let it rear its ugly head through porn and masturbation.

I miss Brother A.  I miss his smile, his presence, his warmth, and his love.  I miss his non-sexual yet intimate and Godly brotherly love.  A love that makes me feel whole.

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