I am feeling a sense of withdrawal. In the past, it would have been clear what I wanted: to go look at porn of men. Straight men, mostly. But today, I am not sure what I am feeling a withdrawal from.
I guess I am feeling like I need to talk to someone. A straight male friend who is capable of connecting intimately.
I am feeling isolated. That's what it is.
And it has something to do with work stress. I need to get going on a project and I am feeling a little nervous about it.
My typical pattern has been: I feel insecure/inept, I want to go look at porn and/or masturbate, then I feel better and I get to work. The same pattern I've had before, but with a difference today.
Instead of wanting to go to porn and masturbating, I have an internal desire to just connect intimately with my brothers. Tell them how I am feeling. Allow myself to be vulnerable. Have them pray for me.
(There is a new brother in my life. I will call him brother B, and my "first" Brother that I've been blogging about, I will call Brother A. And tomorrow, I will meet up with one of my accountability partners and see if I can also connect with him intimately. If so, that will be three straight male friends that I can be authentic and vulnerable with.)
Anyway, Brother A and brother B are probably busy right now. So, I'm resorting to this quick post to get my feelings out. The last thing I want to do is to stuff this feeling down, and then let it rear its ugly head through porn and masturbation.
I miss Brother A. I miss his smile, his presence, his warmth, and his love. I miss his non-sexual yet intimate and Godly brotherly love. A love that makes me feel whole.