There is outward masculinity and there is inward masculinity. When I put on outward masculinity without a fully developed sense of inner masculinity, I am only pretending to be a man.
One sign of masculinity I learned as a boy is to be able to withhold from crying.
Question: How do you make a sensitive, highly relational boy not cry?
Answer: Tell him that what he feels at the very core of who he is makes him a useless homo.
In other words, crush and destroy who he really is so that a more masculine and socially-acceptable boy can magically take over.
Today I feel like crying.
It goes against everything I've been conditioned to believe and value. "Boys don't cry" is a shell I have worn for ages. And I've worn it (and other such "masculine attributes") so well that people have trouble believing that I truly struggle with same-sex attraction.
Buyer beware: Empty masculine shell is hollow on the inside and prone to masturbate to sexualized images of other men.
"Boys don't cry?"
That's bullshit. Another piece of bullshit that led me to sexualize my deep need to emotionally relate and feel safe with other men.
Today I cry...
- for Brother A because I see him struggling under his stresses and past hurts.
- for me because I have to be strong for Brother A when I need him so much to be strong for me.
- with relief, realizing that there is this part of me strong enough for even a man like Brother A to feel safe to lean on.
- for all the other SSA men who have sought me out as a source of strength and support.
- remembering that many straight masculine men come to me in real life and cry before me in the safety and confidentiality of my office.
Today, I cry that my boy-soul is finally recognizing that he is one and the same with this strong man on whom so many other men lean.
This sounds like a gay-affirming point of view. You've expressed here that you are a strong man, and others can rely on you for emotional support, despite the fact that you're sexually aroused by men, or images of men.
ReplyDeleteSorry Kurt. This post is not exactly straight-forward. You need to know me to understand where I am coming from in this post.
ReplyDeleteI am not pro-gay. I am moving away from homosexuality.
This post is about how the inner boy in me (the one that needs and cries for male affirmation) is beginning to recognize that there is an adult-man in me that is strong enough for other men to lean on (not sexually, but emotionally), and thus, for my own inner boy to lean on.
In other words, the more vulnerable (and same-sex attracted) me is connecting with the more secure and masculine (other-sex attracted) me.
At the same time, I am also realizing at a deeper level that it is okay to cry -- that is, it is not "gay" or "effeminate" for a man to cry. In fact, that is my nature as a person. And if I embrace and accept my vulnerable self (the inner boy in me who had sexualized male attachments) without giving myself the message that it is "homo to cry," I can embrace who I am without feeling I am not masculine.
God made me masculine just the way I am: sensitive, relational, and easily moved (although I've struggled to accept that for years). My maleness is inherent in ME, just as I am, just the way God made me.
Recognizing all this is as aspect of deep healing within me--healing towards sexual wholeness, towards manhood (not gay-affirming).
I hope this is clear. If not, feel free to ask some more. Thanks for visiting and leaving a comment.
Love you, brother! (And I mean that in the most non-sexual, Godly way!)
Well, I'm glad you're feeling better about yourself no matter how you care to characterize it. You sound kind of self-destructive in some of your past posts.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I should put a disclaimer on my blog: "Seemingly self-destructive writing. Do not worry, God is in control!" :-)
ReplyDelete