There is outward masculinity and there is inward masculinity. When I put on outward masculinity without a fully developed sense of inner masculinity, I am only pretending to be a man.
One sign of masculinity I learned as a boy is to be able to withhold from crying.
Question: How do you make a sensitive, highly relational boy not cry?
Answer: Tell him that what he feels at the very core of who he is makes him a useless homo.
In other words, crush and destroy who he really is so that a more masculine and socially-acceptable boy can magically take over.
Today I feel like crying.
It goes against everything I've been conditioned to believe and value. "Boys don't cry" is a shell I have worn for ages. And I've worn it (and other such "masculine attributes") so well that people have trouble believing that I truly struggle with same-sex attraction.
Buyer beware: Empty masculine shell is hollow on the inside and prone to masturbate to sexualized images of other men.
"Boys don't cry?"
That's bullshit. Another piece of bullshit that led me to sexualize my deep need to emotionally relate and feel safe with other men.
Today I cry...
- for Brother A because I see him struggling under his stresses and past hurts.
- for me because I have to be strong for Brother A when I need him so much to be strong for me.
- with relief, realizing that there is this part of me strong enough for even a man like Brother A to feel safe to lean on.
- for all the other SSA men who have sought me out as a source of strength and support.
- remembering that many straight masculine men come to me in real life and cry before me in the safety and confidentiality of my office.
Today, I cry that my boy-soul is finally recognizing that he is one and the same with this strong man on whom so many other men lean.