Here are two major shifts I noticed in my growth into manhood.
I usually start to gawk more at men after I've sinned through masturbation/fantasy/porn. Today, my eyes scanned a few good-looking men shortly after I masturbated.
Unless I knew that they were able to connect emotionally with me, I had no interest in them sexually no matter how good looking they were.
Then as I was driving, I saw a very manly looking guy in a car with a girl next to him. I admired his manliness and allowed myself to let the admiration stay without judging it.
When I arrived home, I got out of the car and noticed that I was walking with a very male stance (attitude). I caught myself doing that and then realized that I was feeling very manly without even trying to be.
Rather than to feel lacking as a man when compared to that guy in the car, I internalized the manliness as my own.
I am less and less able to be "best friend" with my wife. However, she tells me that she is loving me more than ever before. So, how does that make sense?
- I have been doing a lot more fathering around the house (fathering is a man thing.) I am the initiator and keeper of family devotions (another man thing), and I also do the cooking to relieve her of her stresses (another man thing -- to care by doing physical work).
- I am gentle with her when we make love. I make sure she feels warm and comfortable, I give her sensuous massages. Sometimes, I just tell her that I really want her and I devour her emotionally and sexually. When I have an orgasm, I am 100% present with her--no fantasies. It's all about me wanting her. She knows she is loved and wanted, and she tells me that she has never felt so beautiful on the inside. (I guess these are all man things too.)
What's sort of "negative" is that I've become a lot less bestfriend-like (maybe girlfriend like even) with her. I don't really want to tell her what's going on with my intimate relationships with my brothers. Yes, she knows about it in general, and she knows that it's a good thing. But I don't feel like I want to or even need to share with her the details. I feel like it's really something between men.
On the outside, I imagine I might appear like the strong, silent type. But inside, I am just content with her as who she is--my wife, my woman, the mother of my children--and at the same time, thinking a lot about how much I miss hanging out or talking to my brothers.
Is the above a manthing too? Is this similar to typical guys who don't talk much with their women, but think about spending time hanging out with the guys? Cause I do think about playing basketball with Brother B quite a bit.
- Oh, and tonight, after dinner, I held her hand, walked her towards the car, and opened the passenger seat for her before I opened my own door. It felt like the most natural thing to do: protect your woman -- she is soft and beautiful, treat her so. Then she suddenly remarked, "you've NEVER ever done that before!"
- - -
I think I am becoming less and less afraid of being a man.
Hand me a basketball.