I need to be authentic on this blog. I need to say what I really feel. Honesty and authenticity is the only way I can move forward.
Even in my deepest vulnerability and desperation, I don't want pity. Nor the embarrassed reaction of an onlooker trying to cover up my naked shame.
In reaching out with my bloodied hand, I am waiting for only the hand of the scarred healer to reach back in full authenticity.
The raw nakedness will now be shown. Parts still raw and bleeding, parts healing. I'm telling it like it is.
I've masturbated twice in the past two weeks (the second one was today, an hour after I made my last post). Both times, it was from fantasizing about being sexual with a straight man.
The first time, I was drawn into sexual arousal from reading about a gay man becoming intimate with his straight friend and eventually "seducing" him to have sex. The second time, I was desperate with a sense of anxiety over work, and I found a picture of a good-looking man (just some regular Joe, really, and fully clothed) and imagined being sexually intimate with him.
Both times, I was moved to masturbate out of a desire to be intimate with a straight man in a most vulnerable state. These men don't even have to be naked for me to be turned on. It's the fantasy of intimacy that is arousing, not the physiological sexuality. I need to get this really, really clear in my mind, and not forget.
And yet...
I still feel more male than ever. And I am not making it up.
I'll write about that in the next post.
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