Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Elevator Encounter

The elevator doors opened, and in walked a familiar face. He was handsome, fit, and bright. A rugged outdoor-adventure physique clad in suave corporate-fashion good looks. And dimples to accentuate his I’m-so-comfortable-in-my-male-skin smile. I had never fantasized about him sexually, but if I had to pick a man to play around with in my mind, he would top my list.

“Hi! You’re so-and-so… Oh yes, and you are so-and-so…” Handshake. Smiles. And…

In the past, I would have done one of two things: (1) stiffened my posture so that I did not give any hint that I was attracted to him, which usually involved demonizing his maleness in some way in my mind; or (2) inadvertently let out a sign of my not-good-enough male insecurity by cowering into the corner or avoiding looking him in the eyes.

… my eyes stayed on his.

In my heart were successive bursts of thought-palpitations:
  • “Damn. What a good looking guy!”
  • “Gorgeous blue eyes.”
  • “His shirt is open, his chest is hairy and muscular.”
  • “I really like him.”
  • “Am I melting?”
  • “No, I am not melting…”
  • “I am still standing!”
  • “Oh, he is softening.”
  • “Is he sensing my warmth towards him?”
  • “Wow, I am feeling a softness towards him and I am not afraid!”
As I continued to look and smile into his eyes, his face softened even more. It seemed as if a voice within him was whispering, “oh, I am in the presence of another confident man.”

Weather, recent projects, need for a holiday, etc. Surface chatter. But beneath all that, two men were connecting emotionally. And they knew it.

Ground floor. We smiled again and exchanged goodbyes.

More thoughts:
  • “He is a good looking guy.”
  • “I can’t get what I want from him sexually.”
  • “Erm... he is a great looking [read: sexy] guy, but what I want from him is not sex!”
  • “I just like him and want to be his friend.”
  • “And he seems to like me.”
  • “He’s okay.”
  • I am okay!” . . .
  • “What a weird feeling.”
As I walked out of the elevator, I reflected on my experience. How was it possible that I found myself completely un-intimidated by this man?

Then feelings of being loved and affirmed in my relationship with Brother A came to mind. Being naked together; being hugged by him for a long time; being fully loved for who I am in a non-sexual way. These are a few of my favorite things. And in that place of intimate love and acceptance—God’s love for me through Brother A, in the real—is a birthing of a new sense of security in my own masculinity.

And so when I peered into the eyes of my elevator encounter, my eyes were able to tell him: “I am man.” “I like you.” “I am man, just like you.”

And I imagined that his boy-soul within him responded: “You are boy.” “I am boy.” “Let’s play together.”

Yeah. Let’s play together.

5 comments:

  1. Wow. I couldn't have said this better myself :D Thanks for writing this. I've gone through this stuff oh so many times.

    Brother K.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I didn't realize what I wrote related to others. Good to hear. One more connection I have with you, brother K.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Of course it relates to others. Me specifically. I love your candor and your embracing of where you are in this moment. You acknowledge your sexual feelings but don't let that hinder you from relationship. Yeah! I realize that you wrote this a long time ago and you are living in the sequel now but hey its fresh for me now. Slowly making my way through.

    ReplyDelete
  4. ...your first blog that is.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi Adam. It's a pretty dense blog, don't hurt yourself reading. ;)

    ReplyDelete