Friday, April 24, 2009

Feeling Weak

I am feeling tired.

I am feeling worn out emotionally from processing about my real-life elder brother (see previous post).

I am feeling stressed that I am not getting enough done on my work deadlines.


I am thinking that I should go onto the internet to look at porn. Maybe straight porn--women--and masturbate to these images. Maybe gay porn--have a look, "test" out my healing.

I've been there before though. The dog that returns to its vomit [link]... And yeah, didn't I commit to 90-day fast from porn and masturbation? [link]

Here's what I wanted to do:

  • Worship
  • Connect with guys from the Facebook group
  • Call Brother A to talk to him
Here's what I did:
  • Listened to a friend's wife sing a beautiful worship song several times over [link]
  • Hung around Facebook -- no one was around to chat
  • Emailed Brother A to say I'd like to talk to him -- he did not respond
Not being able to connect with others, I did the following:
  • Read the People Can Change (PCC) website [link]
  • Registered to join the PCC online support group [link]
  • Read and commented on the PCC blog [link]
  • Write this blog post

I am desperately trying not to isolate myself when I am feeling this way. I hope the PCC support group will be helpful. I hope Brother A will have some open time to talk with me.

Right now, I'm tired enough that I can go to sleep. And thankfully, able to say: Today, Friday April 24 is Day 19, no porn, no masturbation.


  1. I'm curious about where your wife is in all this. Are you able to discuss any of what's going on with her? Is she able to be supportive in some way?

  2. I'm traveling on work. Thus the isolation. Yes, I am able to discuss all this was my wife and she is supportive, incredibly so. Not all wives of men with SSA are so supportive. God put us together for a special purpose. BUT, the stuff I'm working on with SSA is not about her, it is about my attachment to men. I need to process it with men. This is what I've begun to discover, and the PCC website mentions the same thing, interestingly.

    You use the word "curious." I wonder if there is any "caring" behind the curious?

  3. Sorry I wasn't able to connect with you, but I'm proud of you for choosing to process your emotions rather than revert back to your old patterns...oh the many times I've chosen to revert. Keep it up! And sorry I'm so far behind on your blog...I'm trying to catch up now.