Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Like a dog that returns to its vomit...

I fell on Sunday night. The computer people took off my accountability software as it was giving me problems. So on Sunday night, when I had some time alone, I decided to "check out my healing" by looking at porn.

The first time I did it, I noticed that I no longer had a sexual attraction to my usual stuff. In fact, seeing a "straight guy seduced" felt completely wrong to me at a visceral level. I turned to look at the heterosexual porn and found myself identifying with the guy, and enjoying the beauty of the woman. It aroused me greatly.

After confessing to wife what I did and praying for forgiveness together, we were able to make passionate love. I was completely present.

I had trouble sleeping. So in the middle of the night, I got up, and went back to the porn.

I think deep down, I was grieving the change.  Masturbating to male porn had been my friend for so many years.  It had offered me safety, relieve, and comfort (not to mention all kinds of feel-good chemicals in my brain).  But now, the attraction was gone.  At some level, I was grieving the loss and wanted the attraction back.

Like a dog that returns to its vomit is a fool who repeats his folly. (Prov. 26:11)

The fool doesn't think he is being foolish; he repeats his folly because that's what he is used to doing.  He has not learned new, adaptive behavior.  Trouble is, there are snares and there is real Enemy.  So the fool, if he is not careful, may lose his life because of his folly.

(Okay, back to the porn.)

At first I could not find what used to be there for me.  No attraction to this.  No attraction to that.  But I would not stop.  I kept on looking.  Then all of a sudden, there it was: two men in a most intimate loving posture, and it was sexual.


I fell.

It wasn't just a behavioral fall, like a quickie to relieve tension.  I really, really wanted to be with those guys.  It was a deep emotional and sexual longing.  And the desire lingered even to the next morning.

I looked for my vomit, found it, and the Enemy made sure that it got shoved all the way back down my throat.

- - - 

Brother A came to the rescue today.  I told him everything.  

At first, I didn't want to tell him.  It was as if my sexualizing of male-intimacy was a most serious affront to the holy love that we have for each other.  

When Brother A embraced me and forgave me (in Jesus' name), and reassured his love for me, it was as if Jesus himself embraced and forgave me and reassured me of his love.  It took a while for me to be able to accept it.  I was feeling deeply ashamed.  After some time of talking, shame finally turned into humble acceptance of forgiveness.

I don't want to go back to my vomit, ever again.  I've learned my lesson.  May God, in His grace, not take away the change that He has allowed me to experience over the past three weeks.


  1. I've had the same feeling...longing for the comfort..trying to find the satisfaction...but it's just not there anymore. When I'm feeling weak and hurt, I still sometimes think of porn...but it hasn't done anything for me the last few times I stumble (which is a while ago now) so I think I just can't be bothered. But I guess like you...at those time I mourn the loss. But when I get through those times and reflect where I've come...I'm amazed.

  2. Just googled "as a dog returns to his vomit" and got this. How I feel too. Just wasted a whole day. Browsed for women using strapons on guys as a "half way" :( Keep making small steps dude..