Tuesday, December 30, 2008


I'm looking through movie trailers, wondering if I should go and watch one.

Just seeing the good-looking people on screen incites some sexual excitement within.  Crazy.  They are not even doing anything, just standing and talking.  Why does it illicit such a response in me?


I've been connecting and creating neural pathways in my brain that associate fantasy with sexuality.  Movies are very fantasy like.  Good-looking folk up close and personal, displaying their deepest emotions on screen for you, like they are in bed with you, sharing with you their hearts.  Worse, the lighting is perfect and so is the soundtrack.  Better than life, actually.  But not life.  Just fantasy.

I have a friend (also ssa struggler) who stays away from anything tempting.  He doesn't ever go to the beach anymore because it is a place of temptation for him.  Another can never step into a shopping mall.  Because of his advice, I stopped using the gym showers.  So, now that I am having a sexual feeling from watching movie trailers, should I also avoid ever going to the cinema, even for a PG-13 movie?

I don't think it is realistic.  The issue is a matter of the heart.  Perhaps abstinence for a temporary period would be a good thing.  But if the world--which is highly sexualized--is a problem for me, should I avoid it completely?  Or should I be healed within so that I can be in the world even though I am not of it?

I will decide to go and watch this movie if I feel that the time spent will be better for my soul, which includes some "me-time."  I enjoy watching a meaningful movie that lets me think about life more deeply.  If it sets off a "cycle" for me, then I will deal with it here, on this sanctified blog.  I will write about it, process it, and watch the cycle pass over.

In the meantime, I feel like a cow that has not been milked for weeks.  The last time I went without sex for a while, I had a wet-dream.  It was a relief, but it was also disturbing because the sex came into my mind in technicolor, 3D, and with all the physical sensations.  But at least, I did not need to blame myself for it.  That helped me to keep my spiritual integrity.

The wife continues to be in trauma mode.  And I... all I can do is walk with Jesus, one step at a time.

Turn me around, pick me up, undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help, I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo what I've become

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad to see that you've decided to engage in this battle of living in the world, but while trying to follow the example of Jesus.
    Not an easy choice, but I've found it to be much more fulfilling than living wounded and doing nothing about the wounds.