Thursday, May 28, 2009
Fast Forward: Farewell Brother A
I had never anticipated that it would come so quickly.
I had thought six months? A year?
Certainly not now. Not after having fallen head-over-heels in love with him only three months ago.
But it is here: I don't need him anymore.
The last 7 days of grieving did something tremendous within me. Like a raging fever, the grieving burned away all the relational-sick of my past. Someone reached into my stuck six-year-old inner self and pressed the "play" button...
...without a warning, everything fast-forwarded.
Three entire decades of emotional life zoomed pass me in one quick instant: zzzz..................... pp! And I suddenly arrived.
New, different, and fully my age.
I looked into the mirror. A very mature man stared back at me. I have never seen such confidence. Such knowing. So sure of himself. So forty something.
Just like that, I am a man.
And Brother A? He seems smaller now. More my size. Like all the other men that I used to adore and fantasize about, his allure has dissipated. The good-looking men are still good-looking. But now, they are more like shiny plastic food displays: nothing of value beneath the skin.
I have internalized Brother A. His smile is my smile. His chest is my chest. His penis is my penis. And most of all, his secure-male-self is my secure-male-self. And no one can take that away from me.
I bid farewell to Brother A because I don't "need" him anymore.
Things will be different for us now. Different, healthier, better.