Thursday, May 28, 2009

Fast Forward: Farewell Brother A













I had never anticipated that it would come so quickly.

I had thought six months? A year?

Certainly not now. Not after having fallen head-over-heels in love with him only three months ago.

But it is here: I don't need him anymore.

The last 7 days of grieving did something tremendous within me. Like a raging fever, the grieving burned away all the relational-sick of my past. Someone reached into my stuck six-year-old inner self and pressed the "play" button...

...without a warning, everything fast-forwarded.

Three entire decades of emotional life zoomed pass me in one quick instant: zzzz..................... pp! And I suddenly arrived.

New, different, and fully my age.

I looked into the mirror. A very mature man stared back at me. I have never seen such confidence. Such knowing. So sure of himself. So forty something.

Just like that, I am a man.

And Brother A? He seems smaller now. More my size. Like all the other men that I used to adore and fantasize about, his allure has dissipated. The good-looking men are still good-looking. But now, they are more like shiny plastic food displays: nothing of value beneath the skin.

I have internalized Brother A. His smile is my smile. His chest is my chest. His penis is my penis. And most of all, his secure-male-self is my secure-male-self. And no one can take that away from me.

I bid farewell to Brother A because I don't "need" him anymore.

Things will be different for us now. Different, healthier, better.

2 comments:

  1. "I don't need 'him' anymore." I just scanned your blog but will come back later to get more of what you are saying. However, in the last few paragraphs I had to look twice because what you are saying I have experienced in the last few weeks. The "allure has dissipated' as you so poignantly stated. I am so thankful. It has been a long journey with SSA but inside I am changing and it is GOOD. Thank you and God bless.

    Stan

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  2. Stan, go to "My Blog Labels" on the right column and click on "Summary Reflections" to get an overview of what transpired. Thanks for connecting.

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