The following is a pretty graphic post. If you get easily offended, stop now and don't read any further.
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I did it.
I went online and looked at images of nude men.
This change I've been talking about? It's real. I've given it yet another test, and...
IT'S REAL!!!
The most incredible looking guys still look good. But they don't have anything to offer me.
Their bodies remind of me Brother A's body. I have access to Brother A's body. He'll let me touch him, look at him closely, and after all that, he'll give me the biggest, warmest, most loving hug and kiss on the cheek. For all of my insecurities, he loves me fully, no matter what, like I am his own son.
The mystique of the "perfect-male-other" is gone.
IT'S GONE!
What these images once offered me were "pathways" to deep, emotional connection with men. But now that I have Brother A fully, it seems I don't need these pathways anymore!
In fact, what's really interesting is, I looked at a couple of images of men masturbating and ejaculating. Instead of wanting to be with them, or masturbating them, or having them masturbate me, I saw in these images, straight men desperate to put their penises in a vagina and ejaculate inside a vagina. As a result, it excited me, not to be with them (because I have the same penis and sperm), but it got me excited about having sex with a woman.
Incredible.
(I must confess, however, that I also looked at images of women.
Dangerously seductive. That's all I can say.
I did not dwell on them though, lest I become unfaithful to my wife in my mind when I am next having sex with her.)
Anyway...
I am amazed. I am truly amazed. I thought that it might be too dangerous to "tempt" my change by going to look at sexual images of men. But I'm okay. In fact, when I saw some good-looking erect penises, I thought to myself: "Good for you! A healthy, erect penis. That's what a man is supposed to be like."
In summary, I am not only not tempted sexually, the images move me towards heterosexual thoughts, PLUS I am able to celebrate their maleness, as I identify with them, as part of God's wonderful creation.
What a strange and new revelation!
Here's the last thing I need to do now: fully accept this change, and don't fight it anymore.
Lord Jesus, I thank You for the change that I am experiencing. It has come from You, and it is REAL. I have no more doubts that this is real. If it doesn't stay, so be it, but as far as I know, it is real, and I rejoice and FULLY ACCEPT this change. I have prayed for this since I was 13, and I had given up hope that change would ever come. But it is here, and I embrace it, fully. Make me the new straight man that You want me to be. I want to me molded into Godliness as a man, and allow my adolescent male sexuality to be honed by Your Word and Your ways. Thank you for all of the brothers that You have placed in my life, and especially Brother A. I don't know what You would like me to do with this change, but I am willing to do whatever You desire. Guide me, lead me, show me Your desires. I am, Your servant, Your child, Your man.
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This is wonderful news, along with the previous posts indicating that you are experiencing a delayed — which ought to lead to adult masculinity.
ReplyDeleteI experienced a tiny glimpse of this myself... The healing power of a loving brother can be so transforming. I believe this to be SO true!
ReplyDeleteNG: Yes, it is wonderful news. But I feel there is more to learn, and all this experience is so new, it's a little disconcerting. But I accept it and I am willing to take this new path, despite my age! I feel like I am a teenage boy again in some ways.
ReplyDeleteGP: I'm comparing notes with some other people and the element of deep emotional connection and transparency seems to be a key aspect of healing.
Well, the origins of SSA are in relational brokeness, so its source of healing is in relational connection :D
ReplyDeleteok, i found some help wiht Leanne Payne's The Broken Image. She has a prayer to be prayed FOR others so that their life energies flow through God given channels and do no divert from them. She uses some interesting imagery for such a prayer. I found this helpful. My own reflections on my own body has been to engage in self talk that my male member was created for one place, and that would be my wife. and that God created other men in the same way. So when I think "properly" any images of men make me sad, that so many, at least those pictured are leading lives that won't bring true God given happiness and fulfillment. Am I "out of the woods" so to speak, no. According to your blog TC, the missing piece is male affirmation and emotional connection. I remain very much alone. Is that depressive talk? perhaps.
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