Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Homoemotional Heterosexual

More and more, I am hearing from other guys coming out of SSsA that they want to relate with men intimately but not sexually.

I feel the same way.

When I meet men who evoke a sense of secure masculinity, sensitivity, and a caring nature, I feel drawn towards them. I want to let boy-soul out to meet them. Be completely vulnerable. And have them embrace me. Not just emotionally, but physically. I would love to be hugged and touched. Not sexual, but sensual. Physical touch that is not sexual, but deeply emotional, deeply healing.

When I get a good dose of such loving, especially from Brother A, I find myself "recharged" as it were, a deposit of "I am lovable" put into my heart. A deposit that would fuel me to love my wife and kids more, walk with a happier gait, and in essence, become more manly, like the man who loved me.

But I need it, constantly. Like these other men coming out of their SSA, I am desperate for that male affirmation.

If I had Same-Sex Sexual Attracted (SSsA), that sexual attraction has been replaced by Same-Sex Emotional Attracted (SSeA). I wonder how long it will take until this SSeA diminished to the point where I am no longer needing male affirmation so frequently?

It has only been a little over 8 weeks since I first met Brother A in person. 8 weeks of radical man-to-man love from Brother A is certainly not enough to make up for decades of deprivation.

I didn't blog this earlier, but I should note it down. Last week, I masturbated. When I did, fantasies of having sex with women came to mind. A mixture of my wife and other nameless, faceless but gorgeous women. It felt really good. And it felt natural.

Wierd, right? To need male affirmation emotionally, but then want women sexually?

Wierd, but that's what's going on in me. I write it as I experience it.

7 comments:

  1. "When I did, fantasies of having sex with women came to mind."

    Is that all that came to mind? Anything else?

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  2. Kurt,

    If something else came to mind (i.e. homosexual thoughts), I would have written about it. What is your interest in my change experience? You seem to be doubting my experience. If so, then why keep following my blog? What's in this for you?

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  3. Oh, I'm not doubting. I was just wondering.

    Your experience is so unusual and your approach to orientation change so unconventional, that I think I just get a little lost sometimes. I don't know if you know consider yourself to be primarily heterosexual, for instance. Or if you feel that you have any homosexual feelings at all anymore. Or if you feel that now you need to worry about heterosexual immorality.

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  4. Kurt, the answers to your questions are in my posts. If you are that interested, go ahead and read them carefully. I am seeing a repeating pattern in the way you ask questions, and they don't reflect a genuine curiosity.

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  5. Kurt, I had the same problems with you when you commented on my blog. Be careful that you read things carefully!

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  6. OK, fair enough. I guess I was just confused.

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