There is an anger brewing deep within me.
I don't really understand what it is yet.
Something to do with this change I have been experience. Something to do with anger at homosexuality and gay-advocates. And also anger at all of my years of loss.
I am starting to get sick and tired of people questioning my change experience.
If you don't believe that my experience and what I write is authentic, then get the fuck off my blog. It's that simple!
And where the hell are the people who are supposed to be experiencing change? Why am I the only one experiencing it? Why is it that so many "Ex-Gay" people say that they are still able to be tempted and then they add that "but my temptations don't define who I am?"
What the hell?
If you are a man who is still tempted sexually by another man, then you are homosexual. Don't try to complicate matters.
As for me, that sexual attraction is gone. GONE!
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT!!!
The only thing I have to replace the warm fuzzy orgasms I used to have fantasizing about being made-love to by a strong, handsome, muscular man is... A N G E R.
I don't understand it.
- - -
Wait... it just came to me.
I got it.
It's anger at men.
It's anger at not being able to connect with men.
It's anger at years of not being able to be accepted as the man that I am feeling I am now.
The anger says, "Yeah, you want to fight? Okay, I'll show you who's the man around here, you pussy!"
Oh my god.
Is it testosterone?
I NEED TO TALK TO OTHER GUYS WHO CAN EXPLAIN WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!!!!
[Note to self: Before this anger came, there was a sense of "emptiness" for several days in place of my SSsA. See this post.]