Saturday, July 11, 2009

Summary Reflections #3 (June-July 09)

I don't know how much of it is because I am busy, but I just don't have very much to say anymore.

My "struggle" is more and more a thing of the past.

How long has it been now?

About 4 months.

But it feels longer. I hardly remember what it is like to masturbate to a fantasy of having sex with a man.

Ugh. Gross just to even mention the idea. (No offense to non-straight folks, it's just how I feel.)

Even my desire to connect with other men with SSA is diminishing.

I don't know what to make of this. Should I stop writing here completely? As for posts on manhood or fatherhood, I find myself not really interested in blogging about it. I prefer to just live it.


  1. The thing is that for people who are behind you on this journey it is very disheartening for several reasons:

    1. People keep telling them that meaningful change is not possible.

    2. All the people formerly with SSA seem to take your position. They all hide/drop out of the conversation altogether--especially th eones with the most remarkable stories.

    It's sort of like: "Seeya later guys! I've got mine and I'm outta here!"

    You don't need to "prove" anything to other gays you just have to give a testimony of your life in order to give other people on the journey hope.

    What good is your deliverance if you won't testify about it?

    I think you should at least provide a documentary or summary of what "change" was for you and how you go there and your thoughts on what others can reasonably expect in your opinion.

    But most of all encouragement for others to do the right thing.

    If you're straight now (and I believe your story) and want to take it and run with it that is your prerogative. However, it makes me wonder if "healing" is not in itself a curse if many people who are healed are so glad to get out that they don't care to look back to help others out of the mud.

  2. Ouch! lol.TCM I think A. Friend's right. Your very witty making that face TCM. I wish I had A. Friend's insight.