Friday, June 26, 2009

Humility Is Manly

After many years of feeling pressured by the wife to be spiritual around her, I finally gave in.

There is only one person in this world with whom I am as vulnerable as I am when I am with God: Brother A. He gets to see boy-soul fully. He's been the only person with whom boy-soul has felt safe enough to emerge.

When I am with God, I am totally open. I hide nothing from Him. I am completely naked. He could strike me down and I have no defense. He could reach towards me and my heart is fully His. God allowed me to have this relationship with Brother A.

And now, God wants me to have this relationship with my wife. Even if she will use my vulnerability against me (e.g. call on me when I am being prideful out of her own fleshly insecurities).

And so I made a commitment last night before God and before my wife that I will be spiritual [read: completely vulnerable] with God in her presence.

The Spirit opened my eyes to a sin that I had committed that I had not told anyone. I shared that with her. Then, I allowed myself to admit the deepest fears I have in life (the fear of failure, the fear of poverty, the fear of insignificance), and gave them over to Jesus. This, in front of my wife. Something I have never done before.

Me: So now I am naked and vulnerable. You can walk all over me.

Wife: No, now you are strong and manly, and you have no fear.

Then, we made love. And I was a man, through and through.


  1. I sincerely enjoy you TCM.
    You are appreciated very much, and thank you for making time (even just a few minutes) to share in the life of a kid like me :)

    And, i hope you take this as a compliment, and not as me being perverted, because i honestly and truly don't intend to be... but i love the way you talk about sex with your wife. It's like i can feel your passion and intensity in your words, and i feel encouraged to continue this battle.
    I crave to ENJOY someday what you currently have: passionate intimacy and oneness with her and Christ.

  2. I knew sex was coming...the way women and men work is interesting isn't it. I've had similar experieces. I didn't expect it at all the first time.

    I miss you my distant ge-ge.

  3. MG: The more honest you are and the more you rely on Jesus, I am confident you can experience a God-honoring and intimate marital relationship with a woman one day. In my twenties, I would have told you that I never imagined marriage would be possible for me. In my thirties, I would have told you that I never imagined that I would experience little to no struggle in SSA. There is so much more that we know and are willing to look at now about SSA than when I was 19. Don't give up, even if it doesn't feel hopeful on some days.

    Daniel: We need to connect some time!

  4. TCM: Would it be possible for us to chat at some point? Either by instant messenger, or something like that?