The End of This Blog

This blog is finished. I have made a decision not to update it anymore. End of the year, end of the blog.

Here is the description that I used for this blog. If you're here for the first time, you can use it to guide you in your reading of my blog.

May God bless you in your journey.

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In March 2009, I experienced a major transformation in my same-sex sexual desires. This blog chronicles my experience. Blog entries from March-June 2009 were written in a raw, authentic style of processing (a little on the edgy side). These are snapshots of my crazy experience of healing *as I experienced it.* Entries from July 2009 onward represent the next phase of my journey--entering fully into godly manhood. I have also made posts that provide a summary to my blog: click on the Summary Reflections label below to read these posts.

Not a Real Post

I haven't blogged here in a loooong time. And this is not a real blog entry either. It's just to let you know that Lonnie wanted to post something I wrote entitled That "I'm afraid..." feeling. Feel free to visit his page.

I Miss

... the friends that I have made from this blog.

I don't know what else to say.

Trying my best to keep in touch with a few that I have already "met" in person or online. But even that has been near impossible.

I wish I could gather all of us together, and we could hug, talk, pray, and affirm one another.

It's a wish. A distant one.

In the meantime, I'm just head-over-heels busy. In a good kind of way.

Like I said. I don't know what else to say except that I love you guys, and I am sorry that I don't have much time. Pray for me that things will settle down, and I can connect with you again. In the meantime, please forgive my absence.

Time For A Group? [And Short Summary Reflection]

I have come to know a few people since I opened up this blog--especially during my "raw/authentic" writing period. They have either been introduced to me by others, or found me themselves and left a comment. As we have interacted openly and honestly, we have also become good friends. One such example is Rob, who started to do video-logs not very long after we made contact through my blog. (I mention Rob because he has chosen to be public and visible, and he does not mind me mentioning him.)

In the past 3 weeks, a handful of new guys have approached me via email. They span across the ages from teenager to fifties. One thing in common about these men: they are all moved by my experience of healing and change. Several mention that they are desirous of the relationship I have with Brother A.

I have not made another official Summary Reflection to date, so let me add a short summary of how I have been doing, and the proceed back with my topic.

My eSSA (eroticized SSA, as one new brother put it, or SSsA as I had put it, but I like eSSA better) is pretty much non-existent. I am still attracted to good-looking guys, but there is no longer a need to sexualize it. It is not even a struggle to not sexualize it -- it just will not happen. I think I can still force myself to fantasize if I wanted to (you don't forget how to ride a bike once you've learned), but I have no desire to. Rather, I am in touch with the feeling of "inadequacy" that hits me from time to time. So, in place of the feeling of a need to be sexual with another man, the feeling presents itself as "I am feeling inadequate." I sit with that feeling and just feel miserable for a while, and do other helpful things such as talk to a friend, or journal, or exercise. I have had no interest in porn. As for masturbation, that too has not happened for a while (I have not counted days), but the purity aspect of that is more specifically enabled through spiritual discipline. Believe it or not, having sex with one's wife does not necessarily curtail masturbation.

On the heterosexual side, it has been hard to avoid looking at beautiful-looking women. Wife and I watched Dreamgirls last night, and I had zero identification with any of the women like I had in the past. Rather, I identified with the "brothers" (as they called each other), especially in their desire for the women. The women--especially Beyonce--were very beautiful, and I could have sexualized the thoughts I had for them. But I avoided that. Besides, my wife is also beautiful and she is real. Fantasies cannot meet reality needs.

Brother A and I have further refined and developed our relationship. We relate to each other as mutual friends and brothers rather than our previous mentor-mentee relationship. We also irritate the heck out of each other from time to time, but there is no question that I love him deeply and dearly, and I would do anything for him. Truly, it feels like a David-and-Jonathan relationship!

And now, I come back to the topic with which I started this post: the new guys. You know who you are: JG, EH, CL, and most recently, DA. There is also JoeMn who had contacted me in a different way. I am pleasantly surprised that you have found me through my blog, and I want to get to know each one of you deeply and intimately. But I am finding myself stretched for time as one of you has already complained. So, I am starting to think that I need to do something so that we can more effectively help each other. My present strategy of getting to know you one-on-one in an intimate way will peter out real soon if more people come my way. But I want more men to come and receive help because there is HOPE for change! I just can't help everyone by myself, and it's foolishness for me to even to attempt to do so.

So, for any of you younger folks (i.e. not-married or below 30) reading this post, there is an Accountability Brothers' group on Facebook -- it is an invisible group that you can join, and does not show up on your Facebook profile. If you're interested in that group, ask me, and I will point you in the right direction. I need to warn you that not everyone in that group thinks the same way I do -- not everyone there wants to experience change to heterosexuality like I have, although most would likely agree that purity and/or holiness is a worthy pursuit.

As for the married Christian men (or singles over 30?), I am starting to wonder if it might be time to start a group of some sort? People who have felt a connection to this "hope for change" that I have written about in this blog coming together online--perhaps even with Brother A (!)--either in email or FB or some other form, for mutual encouragement, prayer, exchange? A group that is made up of people who are further along in their journey of change? A group where we can also talk about how to help others who are just beginning to work through their struggles? I don't know. I thought I'd throw this idea out into cyberspace and see what the Lord does with it.

Please Watch Your Health

Somebody emailed me today saying that they ("they" is my gender-neutral pronoun, by the way) read my entire blog in one night.

Hello!

Please don't do that. It can't possibly be good for anyone's health to read my blog, my entire blog, in one night. ;-)

The Fastest Post I've Ever Made

Glad to have made yet another new friend from my blog. (You know who you are, we just chatted over the phone this afternoon.)

What is blessing this blog is turning out to be even though I hardly blog in it anymore.

Busy... busy... busy...

Still busy.

More on APA and Reparative Therapy

Rich Wyler has posted his take on the APA Report on the People Can Change blog. I especially like the points he makes under "What the APA Report Doesn't Say." (link)

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Other matters. Have a tight deadline coming up. Will not be posting or responding to comments for at least two weeks.

Plug for Newsy.com

Boy, is this blog starting to change or what?

First, I get all serious. Now, I'm advertising for businesses. o.O

A staff member from Newsy.com contacted me and told me about their news coverage on the APA's declaration of reparative therapy (which I blogged about here). Their coverage compares five--yes, FIVE--contrasting news sources . She asked me to consider embedding the video.

Well, I considered, and here it is.



So why did I make this plug for Newsy.com?

Because at the end of the coverage, they asked open questions. OPEN QUESTIONS!!! How could I resist? :-D

And don't you just love their tagline? "Newsy.com. Where multiple perspectives are the real story." Brilliant. Simply brilliant.

"Psst! Rosa, how much do I get for this plug?"

American Psychological Association's Declaration on Reparative Therapy

I wanted to share my reply to Carleton1958's recent blog post entitled: My faith vs. the APA's declaration on reparative therapy

Here is the article from the Associated Press: Psychologists repudiate gay-to-straight therapy.

And my response to Carleton1958 (in quotes):

"Like you, I too exist, and I can say that my same-sex sexual attractions have diminished so significantly and my opposite-sex attractions increased that I would say that my orientation itself has changed. And this, due to what can be called "reparative intervention" although not formalized.

Nicolosi said that he and Jones and Yarhouse tried to get a representative into that small task-force in APA, but were not allowed (link). As a response, they created this document and insisted that the APA respond to it: www.narth.com/docs/journalsummary.html

There is so much variation in sexuality and the article (and APA itself) failed to point out that the polarization of gay vs. straight is mostly political. Many fall under variations that if help for their unwanted same-sex desires were sought, could decide on nuanced paths that were more consistent with their faith beliefs. Clearly, the APA is still politically (morally?) biased, not scientific, if they dare to be really honest about it."

- - -

Warren Throckmorton has also issued a response (link). I have not had time to read it in detail, but from what I have read (and all of my knowledge on SSA so far), questions begin to come to mind:

• What is sexual orientation, and how does it differ from sexual identity?
• Is there a monolithic approach to reparative therapy?
• Is reparative therapy about re-orientation or identity development?
• Who defines what is straight and what is gay? By what criteria? According to behavior? To identity?
• What happened to me? Was it intervention on my reparative needs? Was it identity shifting? Was it the deep meeting of my male-attachment needs? Was it "all of the above" but reductionistic thinking wants to isolate it to one main thing?
  

The APA. Just a bunch of people trying their best to help people, but at a level that doesn't address my experience. Research is always limited, and hardly iron-clad. Social research, especially, is always morphing and emerging. So much depends on how things are defined, operationalized, measured, number-crunched, reported, and so on and so forth. What is statistically relevant in a population study means very little when it comes to a single individual's experience.

My advice to all of my friends who read my blog: submit yourselves to God and then let your experience--not institutional declarations--show you the next steps to take. Neither the APA, nor NARTH, nor Throckmorton, nor I ( O . O ), have all the answers. Instead, let's gather together and share what God is doing in our lives so that we can learn from each others' experiences.

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Edit: This just in. The Wall Street Journal also published an article on the topic (link). Haven't read it yet, but the byline reads: "Psychological Association Revises Treatment Guidelines to Allow Counselors to Help Clients Reject Their Same-Sex Attractions."

Really?

I need to find an actual statement from the APA and decide for myself what they said. Secondary sources. Meh.

- - -

Final Edit: Here we go. The actual release summary by APA (link), and the actual report, all 138 pages of it (link)!

Exodus Reflections (II)

[Exodus Reflections I: link]







Three things happened to me at the conference. One, I received new and helpful information on SSA. Two, I had some significant interactions with people and with God that helped me better understand where I am in my journey. Three, I left with a solidifying sense of purpose and calling going into the future.

1. New and Helpful Information

(a) Is Exodus Interested in Change?

In the opening talk, Alan Chambers asserted that the primary purpose of Exodus is not to change people from homosexuality to heterosexuality, but to holiness.

For a while, I had been frustrated when people fed me that same line whenever I told them about my change experience (that is, change in same-sex sexual desires). I felt that they were saying "we just want Christ, becoming heterosexual is not really possible anyway."

What's the point of Exodus if it is not focusing on change in SSA? I can find God and grow deeply in my spiritual walk through other ministries (and I have). Isn't getting rid of my unwanted same-sex sexual desires something that makes a ministry like Exodus what it is? If so, then why water it down?

When I asked Randy Thomas in a face-to-face why Alan Chambers would not consider sexual desire change to be important, he felt that I had taken Alan's words too far. He said that Exodus sees same-sex sexual desire change as a by-product of the pursuit of holiness, and what mental health professionals are doing to help sexual desire change is "complementary" to Exodus' goals.

As the conference went on, it became very obvious through the workshops, testimonies, books, etc. that Exodus is very much pro-change, pro-freedom-from-homosexuality, whatever you want to call it. But in their official stance, holiness is primary, not heterosexuality.

In the large worship hall where I saw close to a thousand people at various stages of their change experience all worshiping Jesus, it finally dawned on me that focus on sexual desire change should not be the main message. Holiness is the message. It turns our eyes to the author and healer of our souls: Jesus. I had assumed, as a follow of Christ, that my change comes from God, but not everyone in the auditorium did, and not everyone in the media watching Exodus' work does. The testimony of Exodus ought not to be about change in sexual orientation (although that is what Exodus is about: they prefer to call it "freedom from homosexuality"), it ought to be about Jesus. I learned something new and important about rhetoric in ministry and organizational leadership.

(b) Other New and Helpful Information on SSA

• Iron-clad biblical theology asserting heterosexuality as God's design and homosexuality as sin by Dr. Robert Gagnon (link)

• Randy Thomas' argument that we are now in a post-gay era, and the gay versus ex-gay dichotomy is just not a good reflection of what is really going on in people's experience and conceptualizations of themselves (link).

• Hearing a panel of speakers answer a question as to why despite years of freedom from homosexuality, some people still have "gay affectations." The answer from one very straight-acting panelist was that he had realized that he stuck with his effeminate behavior as a defense against fully embracing masculinity. When he finally confronted himself, then he was able to enter into masculinity in its fullness, affectations and all. Later, when I recounted the story to another attendee and told him that I am at the place where I actually really want to be a jock, his immediate response was: "Eew!"

• A bold document has been published by NARTH to hold the American Psychological Association accountable to research-backed statements which counter their early unsubstantiated statement that sexual orientation cannot be changed, it is harmful to try to change it, and there is no greater psychological dysfunction in the homosexual population. These are NARTH's opposing claims, with the document given to the APA: (1) There is substantial evidence that sexual orientation may be changed through reorientation therapy; (2) Efforts to change sexual orientation have not been shown to be consistently harmful or to regularly lead to greater self-hatred, depression, and other self-destructive behaviors; (3) There is significantly greater medical, psychological, and relational pathology in the homosexual population than the general population (link). Currently, the APA has set up a task-force to re-evaluate their earlier statement. NARTH researchers tried to get a representative onto the task-force, but APA did not allow it. It currently comprises only pro-gay activists. The task force will share their deliberation in the upcoming month or so.

• Hearing Nicolosi talk, I gained new insights about reparative therapy. His ideas are based on the latest empirically-supported understanding of psychotherapy interventions. I was impressed. One idea is that shame leads to homosexual enactment. So to help people overcome SSA, helping them overcome their shame response and cycle is crucial. I will be reading more about Nicolosi for sure. (Nicolosi: link)
  

(To be continued: 2. Significant Interactions with People)

Exodus Reflections (I)

On the way to the conference, I picked up Brother Luke. I had known him for only a short time through the internet. A friend had told him about this blog, and we got connected after he read several of my posts.

He seemed much softer in person. The sharp and caustic wit that came through our text chats somehow disappeared. We had developed a friendship based on our repartee, and I had grown fond of him. Fond of him enough to be afraid that if he were to "jump me," I might not be able to resist him.

Meeting him in person laid my fears to rest. Luke was a very gentle man of God who has loved and served his wife and children for years. Maybe a little too much, to the point where he was burning out, not receiving affirmation for his sacrifice. He would be the last person to jump anyone! We laughed when I told him the next day that I was afraid he would jump me when I met him.

The rest of the travels went well. Luke asked me questions, and I absentmindedly answered away, blahblahing about myself from the various different perspectives with which I confound myself in my head. Apparently, he wasn't bored. Imagine that.

We arrived.

As I walked towards the registration area, I struggled with being associated with so many feminine-acting men. I wish I could say it was a passing thought, but it wasn't. It took at least until the next day for me to ease up on that thought. I had my name altered on my badge so that my real name could not be deciphered. Luke did the same. However, by the end of the conference, all of my business cards were gone, given away to anyone who had asked for one--because I had opened my big mouth during the Q&A of a workshop, and received a lot of attention from folks interested in what I do. So much for my cloaked identity.

Brother A was there. We hugged. I remembered how much I missed him: a lot, not obsessively, but a healthily lot. I saw Elder SM too. It felt so good to see him in an unfamiliar context. I had attended elder SM's ministry for an entire year and had come to trust him. Two months ago, I shared with elder SM about Brother A and God's healing in my life through that relationship. Seeing elder SM and Brother A connect with each other was really special.

Brother Luke, Brother A, elder SM.

I was starting to feel better about being there.

---

Other people blogging about their Exodus experiences:
n'Process
twoBeckonings
rusty0505

Thou O Lord

Conversation from the recent past

Wife, awaken in bed: What are you doing up so late?

Me, sighing: I was looking at porn...

Wife: What?

Me: Yeah. I was looking at porn, but nothing. Gay, straight, male, female... nothing. It did nothing for me. (more sighing)

Wife, reaching out to hold my hand: You know, honey, you're desperately looking for something to fill you. Only one thing can do that: God.

Me: ...

Wife: That's what you really want. You want God to fill up the void that's been left open from the healing you've received.

Me: ...

Wife: ...

Me: I always knew there was a reason why God told me to marry you. He wanted to keep me on track with a woman after His own heart.

Then, we prayed.

Tonight

Instead of going to places where fulfillment can no longer be found, I went to God. These words came to me: Thou o Lord, are a shield about me.

I Googled. And found this...

Psalm 3:1-5 (KJV)
1 Lord, how are they increased that trouble me! Many are they that rise up against me.
2 Many there be which say of my soul, there is no help for him in God. Selah.
3 But thou, O LORD, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.
4 I cried unto the LORD with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. Selah.
5 I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the LORD sustained me.

And this...



Tears streamed down my face, my arms lifted high!

How many years has it been Lord that I have believed in the enemy's lie that there is no help for me; that there is no hope for change. I have cried to You for years for healing from these desires. I had lost hope, and clung desperately to obedience alone, because I knew that You desired my obedience more than sacrifice.

I never imagined THIS day would come when I would be completely healed of my homosexual attractions. Indeed, You have been a shield about me. You have heard my cries. You are my glory and the lifter of my head!

Fill me with Your Spirit, Lord Jesus. Teach me how to saturate my being with You until I desire Your presence more than food or drink. Let my soul sing songs of gratitude and praise to You all the days of my life.

Changes

My profile description (see right bar) has been changed and updated to reflect where I am now, and how I will be blogging into the future.

The style of my blog will be less and less "raw, authentic processing" and more and more nuanced reflections.

Next posts: reflections from Exodus 2009.

Exodus

It came.
It went.

I have changed.
And I'll never be the same again.

All the experiences I've had over the past four months have come together through this week of interacting, listening, engaging, and processing. My heart and mind are filled to the brim and overflowing, unable to contain everything that the Lord has taught me. I have been blown into little pieces and then re-consolidated into a new and improved version.

Povia "Luca era gay" (Luca was gay) with translated lyrics
by svagel

A Response: Connecting With Other Men with SSA

In response to Summary Reflections #3, a brother emailed me and asked: "But---could you clarify what you mean by "connecting" with other men with SSA? And... does that include me?"

Below is my response to him.

---

Until a couple of weeks ago, I spent a good amount of time relating to men with SSA online. These are men such as yourself: Christian and wanting to change. I received something from these interactions although I am not quite sure what. An affirmation of my own change experience perhaps? A felt need to connect with other men who have experienced change so that my own experience does not feel quite so strange?

Anyway, let me answer your question by stating what I have learned over the last two months interacting with other men with SSA.

(1) Not everyone [read: Christian] is interested in experiencing change out of homosexual desires; some disbelieve me outright that this change is possible despite my constant ranting. Many seemed to prefer to argue and debate rather than to really try to understand what I am talking about.

(2) Not everyone cares to connect intimately. Some dissuade me from doing so--not healthy, they say, even though I keep telling them that what I am talking about is not sexual intimacy, and that it is precisely this kind of intimacy (vulnerable, physical, and non-sexual) with a straight, Godly man that has led to my healing.

(3) A small handful, like yourself and Rob Turner (The Architect's Garage) for instance, have stayed connected in a serious and committed way. And I have found it really rich and rewarding to be interacting with you folks.

(4) I started to notice that the same things were being uttered in blogs and online groups over and over again that I started to tire of engaging in the conversations. At first, I was very excited to get others to come take at look at this impossible pot-at-the-end-of-the-rainbow that I've found, but after a while (and after encountering many jaded responses) my excitement waned.

(5) I was spending so much time connecting with SSA men that I was sidelining my own work and family, not to mention my personal time with God. I decided to cut back, and when I did, I discovered that I was not missing the interactions, and my SSsA did not come back. My relationship with Brother A (and the small handful of other brothers) continues to deepen in intimacy and mutuality that these alone are enough to sustain my need for genuine and intimate connection with men.

At this point, I find myself with little desire to pursue other men with SSA for deepening intimate fellowship. The small handful of men that I'm already connected to (including you) is more than enough. This is not to say that I will not open myself to befriending those who want to befriend me. The point is, I will not chase after them any longer to try to offer them hope.

I think that's healthy for me.

I'm moving on with my very straight man-life. And I like it, a lot. I am looking forward to meeting some new friends, (...) but I am not interested in trying to convince anyone that change is possible. Maybe later, if God calls me to write a book or something. For now, I just want to live my very straight man-life and be fully present for all of its mundane ups and downs.

Last word: YOU are precious to God, and precious to me. I am glad you are in my life, and I look forward to connecting with you with increasing depth and godly intimacy.

Summary Reflections #3 (June-July 09)

I don't know how much of it is because I am busy, but I just don't have very much to say anymore.

My "struggle" is more and more a thing of the past.

How long has it been now?

About 4 months.

But it feels longer. I hardly remember what it is like to masturbate to a fantasy of having sex with a man.

Ugh. Gross just to even mention the idea. (No offense to non-straight folks, it's just how I feel.)

Even my desire to connect with other men with SSA is diminishing.

I don't know what to make of this. Should I stop writing here completely? As for posts on manhood or fatherhood, I find myself not really interested in blogging about it. I prefer to just live it.

More Shout Out: Rob & Angie

Watch these clips of brother Rob and his wife Angie talking about their marital relationship in light of Rob's feelings of same-sex attraction (link).

Rob and Angie's story reflects mine with my wife. I may have SSA issues, my wife has her own set of issues too. I was always open with my wife, and told her of my struggles before we got married, and I continue to be real and authentic with her (although we spare each other of unhelpful descriptive details). We learn that we can't change the other person, but we can work on ourselves, and we can also be honest about what we would appreciate in the other person. And lastly, patience and prayerfulness--with a desperate dependency on God--has been crucial in my wife and I learning and growing in intimacy.

I am so proud of you both, Rob & Angie! :-D

Shout Out: The Architect's Garage (and a note to the Canucks)

Here's one of my online brothers: Brother Rob (he's open with his name).

He found me online through my blog a while ago, and we've been in communication since.

This man has got guts. Glory to Jesus!

Go take a look at Rob's welcome video at The Architect's Garage.

---

And to all you Canadians, HAPPY CANADA DAY!

Humility Is Manly

After many years of feeling pressured by the wife to be spiritual around her, I finally gave in.

There is only one person in this world with whom I am as vulnerable as I am when I am with God: Brother A. He gets to see boy-soul fully. He's been the only person with whom boy-soul has felt safe enough to emerge.

When I am with God, I am totally open. I hide nothing from Him. I am completely naked. He could strike me down and I have no defense. He could reach towards me and my heart is fully His. God allowed me to have this relationship with Brother A.

And now, God wants me to have this relationship with my wife. Even if she will use my vulnerability against me (e.g. call on me when I am being prideful out of her own fleshly insecurities).

And so I made a commitment last night before God and before my wife that I will be spiritual [read: completely vulnerable] with God in her presence.

The Spirit opened my eyes to a sin that I had committed that I had not told anyone. I shared that with her. Then, I allowed myself to admit the deepest fears I have in life (the fear of failure, the fear of poverty, the fear of insignificance), and gave them over to Jesus. This, in front of my wife. Something I have never done before.

Me: So now I am naked and vulnerable. You can walk all over me.

Wife: No, now you are strong and manly, and you have no fear.

Then, we made love. And I was a man, through and through.

I'd Rather Have You

It was your hands that reached across
Enveloping my face
Catching my tears

It was your arms that came around
Embracing me whole
Absorbing my fears

It was your lips that did not hesitate
To kiss me
As a father kisses his son

It was your love that came through a man
That I may know your love
In the real

You're all that my hungering spirit needs
I’d rather have you
And let you lead

©Thirdcultureman