That same grief is still here. And it hasn't lessened.
Sometimes, it looks up to God; sometimes it longs for a long hug from safe, loving brothers.
It aches the death of something within. Like facing an old, old wound. Rotting flesh, long forgotten.
But I can't turn around or walk away. The truth stares at me with open eyes, sad and compassionate. And I have to stay here, looking right back at it, even if I don't do anything.
When my father died, all that I thought was important faded away. Only the most crucial things remained: people and grace. Make amends. Make peace. Life is short.
That is how I feel now. Nothing is that important. Not even homo vs. hetero sexuality. It is not that important. Love. That's what matters. Just love.
Love and God will move hearts. His hand will reach into places so deep -- desolate, forgotten places. And if we let Him, He will begin to move His hand in that deep place. Ever so slowly and gently. Yet when He does, the churning will be great. And we will never be the same again.
God's hand has moved. The skeletons deep within have been stirred. And the smell of death has resurfaced.
Oh, how it aches.
But I know this: only in death can new life emerge.
All the way my Savior leads me
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His faithful mercies?
Who through life has been my guide
Heavenly peace, divinest comfort
Ere by faith in Him to dwell
For I know whate'er fall me
Jesus doeth all things well
All of the way my Savior leads me
And He cheers each winding path I tread
Gives me strength for every trial
And He feeds me with the living bread
And though my weary steps may falter
And my soul a-thirst may be
Gushing from a rock before me
Though a spirit joy I see
And all the way my Savior leads me
Oh, the fullness of His love
Perfect rest in me is promised
In my Father's house above
When my spirit clothed immortal
Wings it's flight through the realms of the day
This my song through endless ages
Jesus led me all the way
- Rich Mullins
[Note: I noticed a sense of grieving on Wednesday, four days ago. It started the day after I made the decision to fully embrace my change.]
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Grief Reflected
I did not expect this change to happen.
I did not expect the emergence of anger to come about.
And I never expected this grief to hit me, so hard.
Yesterday, Brother A asked me to pray. I could not utter the words. Before long, I was a blabbering, sobbing mess. Deep pain.
Today, Bill Bright, founder of Campus Crusade for Christ, prayed a prayer on the radio for his staff members during his final dying days. I started to sob again, tears streaming uncontrollably down my face, my heart wrenching.
I don't understand this grief. So the rest of this post will not make sense. I only want to put down some disconnected thoughts. Perhaps it will come together, later.
When my father died, I went into slow motion. I spoke slowly, smiled slowly, moved slowly. I was numb. Something deep within me also died. But in its place a new freedom birthed: all that we think is important is not so important after all. And for a little while, I appreciated the grass, the trees, the little everyday conversations of everyday people.
Something within me has died. All those years of pain. The travail. How my father travailed and fought to keep his empire going while he battled his illness. And suddenly, it's all over.
Let the empire crumble now. And let the grasses and flowers and trees and little wild creatures grow all around it. Let the name of the empire be forgotten.
It's over. The battle is over.
And I weep.
Years of pain come together, congregating in my chest, and gushing out in heaves through my sobs.
I have nothing left to battle.
And something new has birthed.
When I sob, the pain echoes out of a place of intense thankfulness. How I have travailed over all these years. How I have fought to stay true to my decision not to give in to a homosexual lifestyle. How hard it had been to put on a grown man's face everyday over these years. How tired I am. How good God has been to me all of that time.
Second Timothy Chapter Four Verse Seven.
And now, my crowning glory.
Yet, I am barely able to stand and wear it.
: more sobs :
Brokenness.
How are you doing, boy-soul?
How are YOU doing, champ?
I am tired. So tired.
We know.
We? Who is we?
Me, boy-soul, and all of your other little childhood selves. We, know. And we are all here.
Oh.
We are all here for YOU, champ!
Boy-soul, and all my little childhood selves. They look so tall, so grown up, so masculine, so together. And they are here for me? I don't have to keep up with external appearances to protect them anymore? My inner child(ren) have grown up?
The battle is over. And I sob.
Why did I sob over Bill Bright's prayer?
Because he prayed as a father. Because he prayed over his "sons" in ministry. Because his "sons" were ready to take over the mantle of his ministry. Because he prayed that they will be men of God. MEN of God. And because God wanted you to hear that prayer, and so you did, and you received it, into your heart, oh MAN of God.
"Father, Father, Holy Father. We bow in reverence before Your majesty. We are in awe of Your greatness. When we think of who You are, we realize how little we are, how small in comparison. And yet even when we were yet in our sins, You died for us. You love us. You delight in us. And I thank You that in Your sovereignty, You chose Dennis and Bob to do what they are doing. And You've anointed them and given them favor, and great blessing. And I ask Holy Father, You'll keep them pure. Keep their motives pure, their hearts pure. Their attitudes, their desires, their actions above reproach. That they, Bob and Dennis, will be MEN OF GOD after Your heart. There will be no sin in their lives that will hinder Your working in and through them. That as they speak day after day, to millions of people--and that number, oh gracious God, I pray will increase by the millions--they will be channels of Your love, Your forgiveness, Your grace to the multitudes of earth. I pray for the day their ministry will literally encircle the globe. Where millions upon millions will be drawn closer to You, will love You, and trust You, and obey You because of their influence. Lord Jesus, bless their families... their families and the children's children's children yet unborn. That they may always love You, serve You, trust You, obey You. And that the legacy of these men will go on and on until You return. Blessed Holy Father, thank You once again for these men whom You've chosen, whom You've anointed, whom You've empowered. And may all glory, honor, worship and praise go to You. For we pray it in the name of the One whose name is above every name, the Lord Jesus Christ, Amen."
[Actual interview and prayer can be downloaded here.]
I feel the Lord saying to me: Well done, good, faithful, and broken servant. You are now ready to serve Me.
Anything You want, Lord. I am and have always been Yours. Now more than ever before. Anything You want.
I did not expect the emergence of anger to come about.
And I never expected this grief to hit me, so hard.
Yesterday, Brother A asked me to pray. I could not utter the words. Before long, I was a blabbering, sobbing mess. Deep pain.
Today, Bill Bright, founder of Campus Crusade for Christ, prayed a prayer on the radio for his staff members during his final dying days. I started to sob again, tears streaming uncontrollably down my face, my heart wrenching.
I don't understand this grief. So the rest of this post will not make sense. I only want to put down some disconnected thoughts. Perhaps it will come together, later.
When my father died, I went into slow motion. I spoke slowly, smiled slowly, moved slowly. I was numb. Something deep within me also died. But in its place a new freedom birthed: all that we think is important is not so important after all. And for a little while, I appreciated the grass, the trees, the little everyday conversations of everyday people.
Something within me has died. All those years of pain. The travail. How my father travailed and fought to keep his empire going while he battled his illness. And suddenly, it's all over.
Let the empire crumble now. And let the grasses and flowers and trees and little wild creatures grow all around it. Let the name of the empire be forgotten.
It's over. The battle is over.
And I weep.
Years of pain come together, congregating in my chest, and gushing out in heaves through my sobs.
I have nothing left to battle.
And something new has birthed.
When I sob, the pain echoes out of a place of intense thankfulness. How I have travailed over all these years. How I have fought to stay true to my decision not to give in to a homosexual lifestyle. How hard it had been to put on a grown man's face everyday over these years. How tired I am. How good God has been to me all of that time.
Second Timothy Chapter Four Verse Seven.
And now, my crowning glory.
Yet, I am barely able to stand and wear it.
: more sobs :
Brokenness.
How are you doing, boy-soul?
How are YOU doing, champ?
I am tired. So tired.
We know.
We? Who is we?
Me, boy-soul, and all of your other little childhood selves. We, know. And we are all here.
Oh.
We are all here for YOU, champ!
Boy-soul, and all my little childhood selves. They look so tall, so grown up, so masculine, so together. And they are here for me? I don't have to keep up with external appearances to protect them anymore? My inner child(ren) have grown up?
The battle is over. And I sob.
Why did I sob over Bill Bright's prayer?
Because he prayed as a father. Because he prayed over his "sons" in ministry. Because his "sons" were ready to take over the mantle of his ministry. Because he prayed that they will be men of God. MEN of God. And because God wanted you to hear that prayer, and so you did, and you received it, into your heart, oh MAN of God.
"Father, Father, Holy Father. We bow in reverence before Your majesty. We are in awe of Your greatness. When we think of who You are, we realize how little we are, how small in comparison. And yet even when we were yet in our sins, You died for us. You love us. You delight in us. And I thank You that in Your sovereignty, You chose Dennis and Bob to do what they are doing. And You've anointed them and given them favor, and great blessing. And I ask Holy Father, You'll keep them pure. Keep their motives pure, their hearts pure. Their attitudes, their desires, their actions above reproach. That they, Bob and Dennis, will be MEN OF GOD after Your heart. There will be no sin in their lives that will hinder Your working in and through them. That as they speak day after day, to millions of people--and that number, oh gracious God, I pray will increase by the millions--they will be channels of Your love, Your forgiveness, Your grace to the multitudes of earth. I pray for the day their ministry will literally encircle the globe. Where millions upon millions will be drawn closer to You, will love You, and trust You, and obey You because of their influence. Lord Jesus, bless their families... their families and the children's children's children yet unborn. That they may always love You, serve You, trust You, obey You. And that the legacy of these men will go on and on until You return. Blessed Holy Father, thank You once again for these men whom You've chosen, whom You've anointed, whom You've empowered. And may all glory, honor, worship and praise go to You. For we pray it in the name of the One whose name is above every name, the Lord Jesus Christ, Amen."
[Actual interview and prayer can be downloaded here.]
I feel the Lord saying to me: Well done, good, faithful, and broken servant. You are now ready to serve Me.
Anything You want, Lord. I am and have always been Yours. Now more than ever before. Anything You want.
Grief
A deep, deep grief has hit me.
As I nuzzle more securely into Brother A's love for me, an old, lost pain is finally emerging. I don't even have a specific memory associated with the pain. It is just an old, old pain from deep within.
And so I cry sobs of anguish. My heart wrenching with each gasp.
No words.
No memories.
Just deep pain and sadness.
I don't deserve such love.
As I nuzzle more securely into Brother A's love for me, an old, lost pain is finally emerging. I don't even have a specific memory associated with the pain. It is just an old, old pain from deep within.
And so I cry sobs of anguish. My heart wrenching with each gasp.
No words.
No memories.
Just deep pain and sadness.
I don't deserve such love.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
You, Boy-Soul, Are God's Original Masterpiece (A Testimony)
Why this video moved me so much: A short testimony.
I started having same-sex sexual thoughts since I was 7 years old. It was a constant struggle into my teen years because the feelings were so strong, and yet I loved God so much. By age 19, I couldn't take it anymore. If I couldn't stop my homosexual thoughts, then I might as well die. I got severely depressed and I wanted to crawl into a small, dark hole and die in it. For weeks, I woke up every morning crying. Finally, I decided to end it all. But God intervened and brought me a couple of men who counseled me out of ending my life.
That year, I committed my life completely to Jesus, just like the guy in the video (start: 6 mins 55 sec). I considered that I had already died, and that the life I lived from that day onward was totally dedicated to Jesus. I didn't know if God would heal me from homosexuality, but I was willing to live a celibate life in service to Him. The same-sex struggle continued, even into marriage. Still I hung on to my commitment and never gave myself fully over to homosexuality.
Today, More than 20 years later, God has finally healed me of my homosexual desires. There is still some processing that needs to take place before I am more secure with my same-sex emotional attractions, but I know that the sexual attractions are gone.
I am healed. There is no longer any doubt in my mind about it.
Sometimes, it is only when you have reached the other side that you realize how hard it was to cross the river. While you were in the river itself, all you could do was focus on surviving. I had forgotten that I had been struggling for over three decades. I had allowed the struggle to define me: "I am a man who struggle with SSA."
But now, I am starting to see the emergence of God's original masterpiece: the original straight and manly me. So much chiseling has taken place over the years, and I finally see the original shape emerging. I praise Him for it.
I am glad I stayed with the pain. Now, looking from the other side, I can truly say that it was well worth it.
This Feeling-Down Feeling
In the past, this "feeling-down" feeling that I am feeling now would have led to homosexual thinking or activity of some kind. (I know I used the word "feeling" three times in a row. I'm feeling down, okay? Cut me some slack.)
In the midst of my downness, that wanting-to-sexualize-men feeling came pretty strongly.
But I didn't.
I don't want to go back to that vomit.
This pang of pain in my chest is a loneliness to be accepted by other men. To be affirmed, to be encouraged, to be okay in the eyes of other men. Not to trade bodily juices with them.
And so, I sit, writing, waving my little "This Feeling-Down Feeling" banner, and talk to boy-soul.
How are you doing, boy-soul?
I am sad.
Why are you sad?
I don't know.
Are you feeling lonely?
Yes.
I remember that feeling, when we were younger.
Yeah.
Sitting on the swing, elder brother had just rallied a whole bunch of cousins against us because we were fat and ugly.
Yeah.
Or at least, he made us all believe that.
Yeah.
But we're not fat or ugly.
No?
No, we're not. We're fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God.
We are?
Uh-huh.
...
Brother A thinks we're very good-looking. Remember how he always calls us "stud?"
smile
You know what?
What?
I think Brother A's opinion is a lot better than that of a mentally-ill 12-year old brother.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And so, with boy-soul's hand in mine, we get up and start to walk again in our journey towards manhood. And I whisper into boy-soul's ear. "Tonight, we're going to have a good time with the wife in bed. It'll be fun!"
: sunset scene :
In the midst of my downness, that wanting-to-sexualize-men feeling came pretty strongly.
But I didn't.
I don't want to go back to that vomit.
This pang of pain in my chest is a loneliness to be accepted by other men. To be affirmed, to be encouraged, to be okay in the eyes of other men. Not to trade bodily juices with them.
And so, I sit, writing, waving my little "This Feeling-Down Feeling" banner, and talk to boy-soul.
How are you doing, boy-soul?
I am sad.
Why are you sad?
I don't know.
Are you feeling lonely?
Yes.
I remember that feeling, when we were younger.
Yeah.
Sitting on the swing, elder brother had just rallied a whole bunch of cousins against us because we were fat and ugly.
Yeah.
Or at least, he made us all believe that.
Yeah.
But we're not fat or ugly.
No?
No, we're not. We're fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God.
We are?
Uh-huh.
...
Brother A thinks we're very good-looking. Remember how he always calls us "stud?"
smile
You know what?
What?
I think Brother A's opinion is a lot better than that of a mentally-ill 12-year old brother.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And so, with boy-soul's hand in mine, we get up and start to walk again in our journey towards manhood. And I whisper into boy-soul's ear. "Tonight, we're going to have a good time with the wife in bed. It'll be fun!"
: sunset scene :
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
This Change IS Real
The following is a pretty graphic post. If you get easily offended, stop now and don't read any further.
- - -
I did it.
I went online and looked at images of nude men.
This change I've been talking about? It's real. I've given it yet another test, and...
IT'S REAL!!!
The most incredible looking guys still look good. But they don't have anything to offer me.
Their bodies remind of me Brother A's body. I have access to Brother A's body. He'll let me touch him, look at him closely, and after all that, he'll give me the biggest, warmest, most loving hug and kiss on the cheek. For all of my insecurities, he loves me fully, no matter what, like I am his own son.
The mystique of the "perfect-male-other" is gone.
IT'S GONE!
What these images once offered me were "pathways" to deep, emotional connection with men. But now that I have Brother A fully, it seems I don't need these pathways anymore!
In fact, what's really interesting is, I looked at a couple of images of men masturbating and ejaculating. Instead of wanting to be with them, or masturbating them, or having them masturbate me, I saw in these images, straight men desperate to put their penises in a vagina and ejaculate inside a vagina. As a result, it excited me, not to be with them (because I have the same penis and sperm), but it got me excited about having sex with a woman.
Incredible.
(I must confess, however, that I also looked at images of women.
Dangerously seductive. That's all I can say.
I did not dwell on them though, lest I become unfaithful to my wife in my mind when I am next having sex with her.)
Anyway...
I am amazed. I am truly amazed. I thought that it might be too dangerous to "tempt" my change by going to look at sexual images of men. But I'm okay. In fact, when I saw some good-looking erect penises, I thought to myself: "Good for you! A healthy, erect penis. That's what a man is supposed to be like."
In summary, I am not only not tempted sexually, the images move me towards heterosexual thoughts, PLUS I am able to celebrate their maleness, as I identify with them, as part of God's wonderful creation.
What a strange and new revelation!
Here's the last thing I need to do now: fully accept this change, and don't fight it anymore.
Lord Jesus, I thank You for the change that I am experiencing. It has come from You, and it is REAL. I have no more doubts that this is real. If it doesn't stay, so be it, but as far as I know, it is real, and I rejoice and FULLY ACCEPT this change. I have prayed for this since I was 13, and I had given up hope that change would ever come. But it is here, and I embrace it, fully. Make me the new straight man that You want me to be. I want to me molded into Godliness as a man, and allow my adolescent male sexuality to be honed by Your Word and Your ways. Thank you for all of the brothers that You have placed in my life, and especially Brother A. I don't know what You would like me to do with this change, but I am willing to do whatever You desire. Guide me, lead me, show me Your desires. I am, Your servant, Your child, Your man.
- - -
I did it.
I went online and looked at images of nude men.
This change I've been talking about? It's real. I've given it yet another test, and...
IT'S REAL!!!
The most incredible looking guys still look good. But they don't have anything to offer me.
Their bodies remind of me Brother A's body. I have access to Brother A's body. He'll let me touch him, look at him closely, and after all that, he'll give me the biggest, warmest, most loving hug and kiss on the cheek. For all of my insecurities, he loves me fully, no matter what, like I am his own son.
The mystique of the "perfect-male-other" is gone.
IT'S GONE!
What these images once offered me were "pathways" to deep, emotional connection with men. But now that I have Brother A fully, it seems I don't need these pathways anymore!
In fact, what's really interesting is, I looked at a couple of images of men masturbating and ejaculating. Instead of wanting to be with them, or masturbating them, or having them masturbate me, I saw in these images, straight men desperate to put their penises in a vagina and ejaculate inside a vagina. As a result, it excited me, not to be with them (because I have the same penis and sperm), but it got me excited about having sex with a woman.
Incredible.
(I must confess, however, that I also looked at images of women.
Dangerously seductive. That's all I can say.
I did not dwell on them though, lest I become unfaithful to my wife in my mind when I am next having sex with her.)
Anyway...
I am amazed. I am truly amazed. I thought that it might be too dangerous to "tempt" my change by going to look at sexual images of men. But I'm okay. In fact, when I saw some good-looking erect penises, I thought to myself: "Good for you! A healthy, erect penis. That's what a man is supposed to be like."
In summary, I am not only not tempted sexually, the images move me towards heterosexual thoughts, PLUS I am able to celebrate their maleness, as I identify with them, as part of God's wonderful creation.
What a strange and new revelation!
Here's the last thing I need to do now: fully accept this change, and don't fight it anymore.
Lord Jesus, I thank You for the change that I am experiencing. It has come from You, and it is REAL. I have no more doubts that this is real. If it doesn't stay, so be it, but as far as I know, it is real, and I rejoice and FULLY ACCEPT this change. I have prayed for this since I was 13, and I had given up hope that change would ever come. But it is here, and I embrace it, fully. Make me the new straight man that You want me to be. I want to me molded into Godliness as a man, and allow my adolescent male sexuality to be honed by Your Word and Your ways. Thank you for all of the brothers that You have placed in my life, and especially Brother A. I don't know what You would like me to do with this change, but I am willing to do whatever You desire. Guide me, lead me, show me Your desires. I am, Your servant, Your child, Your man.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Unbridled Adolescent Male Sexual Energy
Christian authors writing on sexuality talk about sex as more than genital sex (i.e. erotic sexual behaviors) but also gender. There is something "sexual" about just being male.
It is in this context that I used the term "sexual" in "unbridled adolescent male sexual energy."
Anyhoot...
Over the last week, I have woken up with an erection four times. Along with that is the desire to masturbate and have an orgasm. And along with that are images of naked women swimming in my head.
O.o
I don't even know who I am anymore.
Thank God I have a wife who can satisfy my new heterosexual libido. Otherwise, I think I WOULD go out and find a girl and do it. Over and over again.
I never understood how men could do it before. This "wham, bam, thank you ma'am." How can anyone have sex with another person, and then it's all over and they want to go away?
I once asked Brother M what his constant desires for women was like, and he said, "it's just a pure thrill." Kind of like riding a roller coaster. "How shallow," I replied, as the haughty more-sensitive-than-thou SSA man.
But I understand it now. I see women, I see their sex, and I want them. Just for plain sex. Not intimacy, not love, just plain sex. Yah, yah, it's intimate and all, but NOTHING like the warm, fuzzy, oh-love-me-all-over feelings that I used to get when fantasizing about men. Now, it's just a raw, sexual, I-just-want-to-hump-you feeling.
How shallow, this new me.
Anyway, because my wife and mother-in-law are the coolest women on the face of this planet, I told them how I was feeling.
And mom said, "you know, what do adolescent boys think about? They just want to score! It's kind of like that, isn't it?"
Bingo!
Remember over the last two posts, I talked about anger, and this wanting to compete and to fight? Well, I think it's all part of the same package. I think what I am experiencing is unbridled adolescent male sexual energy.
: Wolf-like howl! :
(Thanks, mom-in-law, yous da bess.)
It is in this context that I used the term "sexual" in "unbridled adolescent male sexual energy."
Anyhoot...
Over the last week, I have woken up with an erection four times. Along with that is the desire to masturbate and have an orgasm. And along with that are images of naked women swimming in my head.
O.o
I don't even know who I am anymore.
Thank God I have a wife who can satisfy my new heterosexual libido. Otherwise, I think I WOULD go out and find a girl and do it. Over and over again.
I never understood how men could do it before. This "wham, bam, thank you ma'am." How can anyone have sex with another person, and then it's all over and they want to go away?
I once asked Brother M what his constant desires for women was like, and he said, "it's just a pure thrill." Kind of like riding a roller coaster. "How shallow," I replied, as the haughty more-sensitive-than-thou SSA man.
But I understand it now. I see women, I see their sex, and I want them. Just for plain sex. Not intimacy, not love, just plain sex. Yah, yah, it's intimate and all, but NOTHING like the warm, fuzzy, oh-love-me-all-over feelings that I used to get when fantasizing about men. Now, it's just a raw, sexual, I-just-want-to-hump-you feeling.
How shallow, this new me.
Anyway, because my wife and mother-in-law are the coolest women on the face of this planet, I told them how I was feeling.
And mom said, "you know, what do adolescent boys think about? They just want to score! It's kind of like that, isn't it?"
Bingo!
Remember over the last two posts, I talked about anger, and this wanting to compete and to fight? Well, I think it's all part of the same package. I think what I am experiencing is unbridled adolescent male sexual energy.
: Wolf-like howl! :
(Thanks, mom-in-law, yous da bess.)
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